Standing Firm

Playing cool was never something I was very good at. But I am trying. I will not chase. I will not call repeatedly. I will not stare at my phone waiting for it to ring.
Of course, in doing all these things, I will have to find a life so that I'm not so bored I'm staring at my phone. You'd think you would get a book when you turn 30. Something that says, "Congrats on living through your 20s. All those experiences leave you a little jaded and bitter? Still confused about what you are doing on the planet? Worried about that little rash? Here is your guide to your 30s. Sorry we didn't get one out for the last decade but you were just a little unpredictable then. This is a guide, but not a hard and fast rule for what we expect to see for you in this decade. Good luck and see that doctor."
Where's my book?

Minutia in Ramblings

I keep dreaming of conversations between Cupid and Death. Actually, they are conversations between assistants to assistants to assistants of Cupid and Death. Old friends from school they meet monthly at out of the way restaurants around the world, though lately their travels have kept them in the Midwest. They sit around in suits that are too warm for the local weather, drinking coffee and watching the people walk around them.
Frank, who has been working for Cupid for a number of years, joining up right out of school, has exponentially increased his waistline since starting the job. He chain smokes a Turkish brand of tobacco, because he believes it makes him appear more dashing than he really feels. His hair, once a flowing mane of dirty blond, has been cropped short to his head (a directive from corporate to help streamline the "look" Cupid is striving for; professional and successful). He often starts in his chair, paranoid his superiors are watching his every move, critical of the matches he has brought together. He's also begun an unhealthy habit of humming teenage pop songs.
Keith sits across from him, languid in his behavior, dashing in his looks. His form has also filled out since school, but more toned, the only bulk that is unchecked in his biceps, where he lifts weights for hours at a time, with only unbearable pain in his shoulders forcing him to stop. Keith took some time off after school to find himself, crossing the country on a motorcycle he'd found and bought for relative change. Having discovered he was never really lost, just without a purpose of his own, he joined Death's organization and has been slowly working his way up the ranks.
They both sit in uncomfortable iron chairs, hungrily searching the faces of the passerby's, the sun never touching their skin, the clouds never casting shadows across their eyes.

Where are the damn roses to stop for?

Alrighty.
Not that I have confirmation of this, but I'm just going to take him at face value. He says he's just looking for a friend, and the gods know I could use another friend. He isn't interested in anything else. He is just being a friend. We are just friends. I will stop looking for things that aren't really there.
If I keep repeating that, do you think I will believe it?

"Look around/
Leaves are brown/
There's a patch of snow on the ground."

Have a penis? You must be confusing....

I cannot believe the current popular belief that when a man answers that nothing is on his mind, he is usually telling the truth. Not that I've been questioning random men on the street what they are thinking, but I have dealt with enough of them as friends to know that when they sit down and stare off in space (you do have to make sure the t.v. is off) they are actually using the gray matter between their ears. Even if I can't see them, to have them sit quietly on the phone, on the other side of the computer screen or in the next room over, I know they are using their brains.
And then there is Bruno. He and I hadn't talked much over the week, just quick IMs here and there, but yesterday, up he pops with a full day of messages. Back and forth we write, figuring out what is going on in the other's life, how they are dealing with the day to day, the mundane as well as the stressful, what they are happy about, what is really ticking them off. Where I get confused, however, is his behavior. Out of the blue he asks if I had seen the latest Star Wars yet, (I haven't), but then never follows through. I try and prod with basic questions, "Have you?" He hasn't. "Why not?" Not been in the mood to see it yet. "When did you want to see it?" Not sure. Then why did you ask me about the movie? This is a whole line of questioning that apparently wasn't supposed to go anywhere, because he just drops it. Ummm, hello? What the hell?
I should have left it. If I were a smart girl I would have left it, but noooo. Not me. I cannot sit back and just let the boy chase me. If I see him floundering I will not only through him the damn rope, I will help him guide the whole damn ship back to shore. I'm living in the South now dammit! The boys are supposed to chase! I am pretty enough for the guys to chase! I'm finding my inner fabulousness, (although, honestly, I think most of it had abdicated its rightful place in my soul for a whirlwind tour of anyone but me), and I'm working on helping others to see it.
Anyway. I invited him over to watch a movie. (No there wasn't any hanky-panky and shame on you for thinking there was!) Of course that was a whole other trial. I hadn't gone out and bought a DVD player yet, and apparently the video store near me only carries DVDs now. That's what I get for shopping at Blockbuster. So I ran to my friendly Target, bought a player, as well as the movie we had wanted to watch, "Shaun of the Dead". Excellent movie, by the way. I laughed out loud while holding a pillow next to my face for the occasional zombie.
Maybe he didn't want to chill with me last night, but he's already called today just to chat as well. Am I not supposed to guess that he is attracted to me?
I really never will understand men. On a whole other side note, Kenny Wayne Shepherd is coming to town! I'm thinking I'm going to his concert on Thursday. Probably by myself. Wish me luck on the courage to do that.