How Does One Relax

Still waiting to hear what is going on with my work future. There are discussions being had, but no one is talking to me. Meanwhile you'd think I would've started packing, but I'm still being a slacker. I should at least clean the apartment. I figure I'll do some of that tomorrow. My only day off.

I discovered I've been blocked by someone on fb that I really kind of thought was cool. Apparently I offended her some how. I feel bad about it, but since I don't know what I did, I can't fix it. I've pulled fb off my phone and only look at it at the end of the night. I just don't have any interest in sharing anything with people I know. Which, of course, is different from sharing with a bunch of people I don't know and who won't follow this blog on a regular basis. There is something to be said for large group anonymity.

14 days until Christmas. My family has asked what I want and I told them to donate to Intrepid Heroes Fund and Best Friends charities. I really can't come up with something for someone else to buy me. I'm not sure if that is sad or not. I just don't need anymore stuff. There is no reason for me to haul it anywhere.  Especially since I know I'll be moving soon. Probably out west. I don't know if I should pack sunscreen, snowshoes or a raincoat. Hopefully I'll find out soon.

Treading Sand

Life is an oddity.
Work has been all consuming. I'm working 6 days a week and I am so mind fried when I get off, I just crawl onto the couch. I went and bought a membership to Anytime Fitness, but I've only been once. Of course, it's only been a week, but I still feel guilty.

I haven't heard from Shawshank. He hasn't been on the social media, he hasn't messaged me, nothing. I assume he is buried in work. I hope he is doing ok. The friend he tried to hook me up with has hooked up with someone else. I'm not surprised. Even virtually I cannot get guys to connect with me. It really isn't too much of an issue. With my life up in the air, it is hard to try and connect with anyone right now. I have no idea where I will be in a couple of months and no idea if I will get promoted.
Everyone and their brother will drop by the store on Thanksgiving and Black Friday so it will be an interesting test. The best part though, is that if I'm busy I will look like I know what I'm doing. I just have to be busy. I bought a shit ton of food for my peeps. We will be having BBQ for Black Friday, so it will be fun to have sandwiches and cookies during the holiday. And pie. I hope someone brings pie.

Either way, I find it so odd that I ran into someone I know at the grocery store today. I've been down here a year and a half, and I turn the corner and almost straight run into the guy I worked with in KC. He married the woman he was living with and they've been down here 4 or 5 years. We hugged and talked for at least 20 minutes in the middle of an aisle while families dodged our carts hunting their last minute Thanksgiving spices. He is going to tell his wife that he saw me, and I think I'm going to give him a job. I'll let my assistant decide where he wants to put him.

I've been so lonely down here, and a couple of months before I may leave, up pop old friends.

Holding My Breath

Things are picking up at work, which is good cause I'm already bored and bad because I only get one day off a week for the next 8. I did a fat lot of nothing today, played on the computer, listened to music, including Miley Cyrus covering Lana Del Rey. I've never heard Summertime Sadness before, but it was good when Cyrus did it.

I've got my tix to go to StL for xmas. I'll be staying with my sister, who, I'm sure, is losing her mind trying to figure out what she is going to do for all of it. My other sister is contemplating taking a job in StL, which would put her right back in the arms of the family, and the babies. Hell would have to freeze twice before I could find myself back there permanently. I feel like the bad sister/cousin/daughter/random family member because I can't go back. Meanwhile, I have about 49 days left until the holiday, I think, and so I have to keep my feet moving so the guilt doesn't take over.

I've turned off all chat again. I told Shawshank there might be a possibility I would move to the east coast for my job come January. He seemed excited and then dropped off the face of the earth, at least for me. He asked if there was a chance we would meet up and I said I was hesitant because I know his wife is not a fan of me. He insisted it would be fine, but still. I need to find new friends. I need to not be tired of people so that I could find new friends. I have no doubt there is a WikiHow on how an introvert can find new friends. I hope there is a WikiHow.

Glitterific

It's that time of year again at work. More glitter than one woman should have to deal with. After downstocking an aisle, I just bent over at the waist and shook glitter out of my hair. It was like a shower of shiny specks hitting the floor.

I feel guilty for leaving my cats for so long. They have put on a lot of weight. I'm limiting their food intake now, but it will take months for them to lose what they put on in such a short time. I feel terrible. I'm not sure I could've done anything different, but they shouldn't have to pay the price for my career objectives. Hopefully they will settle back in to the old routines. Hopefully I will be able to fall back into old routines.

I'd forgotten how much people can grate on my nerves, as well as be enjoyable. It's an even split. Work was busy and irritating and moved quickly all at the same time. I was more than ready to leave. I hit an established BBQ joint in McKinney after work. It wasn't awful. The brisket was awesome, but the turkey had too much pepper. We're thinking about having them do our potluck for Black Friday. So far I'm ok with it. I'd rather keep something like that local anyway.

My boss comes in Tuesday to see what I've gotten done. I'm hoping he's pleased with the progress. I'm hoping the next couple of months move quickly. One should never look for time to pass by, but I'm just not sure what is going to happen.

One foot in front of another.

Looking For The Patience Skill

I'm back in Texas. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Well, I actually know how I feel about it. I'm not happy, but I have to make do with the choices that have been made. I've been given several versions of how I did in Indiana, but there is no spot for me to just jump into. So I wait. My boss has told me that I have to do well in the position I'm in before I will be promoted. My big boss has told me that I have to take a class on having difficult conversations, and tour with another DM before I can be promoted. Who the hell knows. All I can do is continue to do the best I know how.
I am excited to be back in my messy apartment however. I need to make a batch of macaroni and cheese. With hot sauce.

I haven't heard from Shawshank in a bit. He is trying to set me up with his friend, long distance, and neither his friend is getting in touch with me, nor is he. Dumbass.

Wait. I have to amend that. I added him to a group app for friends and he has just decided to respond to a random text. Again. Dumbass.

I haven't gone to look for the gym yet. I should. I need to work out all these negative feelings. But chocolate is always a great substitute.

Missing That Kiss

Woke up after a vivid dream this morning of being kissed. That soft, then hard, then soft again. The angling of lips and your head and the uncertain feeling of what to do with your hands. I could almost still feel the pressure on my lips.  Holy cow I miss that feeling. It has been longer than I can even want to remember since I've had that feeling.

Shawshank has been trying to set me up with a friend of his. As his friend is over 1000 miles away from me I'm not sure how this is going to work, but his words are "I see you two and I think, huh, chocolate and peanut butter."

Last Minute Hair Adjustments

Someone has moved children, read teenagers, into next to me. Which sucks. Cause they are noisy and  annoying. But enough about the kids.

Drove down to Louisville and got my hair done from my favorite stylist. Also got to spend some time with Nic. He's dating, which is great, but now makes me the only one of the group who is left single. Whine whine. But at least he has found someone that he likes. I was getting worried about him a bit. He still hasn't found a job, but at least he has found someone to somewhat care for. He hasn't lost his mind on this one.

3 days until I'm back in Dallas. I have to have a meeting with the DM I have been covering for on Monday and Tuesday. The first day will be difficult, the second will be even harder. I have some good things to tell him and several bad things to tell him. It won't be fun.

In other news, I'm really tired of being alone. That isn't a shock I know. I will have to figure out what I'm going to do about the next two months. It will be me doing a lot of work. Hopefully one day I will be able to find someone, but I'm not going to hold my breath. I really really need to join a gym when I get back. That will have to be the first thing I do.

Had two guys tell me they loved me in the last week or so. They told me they wished they had married me when they had the chance. What does that have to do with my life now? Are they going to suddenly throw away the lives they have and live with me? (The answer is no). Is anything in either of our lives going to change with this statement? (Again no).  Is there a reason to share it with me? (I have no idea which is why I'm writing about it). Should I be still thinking about it? Should I have just been happy with the thought and left alone? Yes. Did I?

You aren't waiting for an answer, are you?

Killing Time

I am so slacking. I have a conference call later today, but I don't know how much I'm wanting to give it my all. I'm hoping as I wake up I'll get more involved. Well, probably not. I'm going to another store today and the manager there is just a back stabbing bitch. It's amazing how much I've heard about these people now that I'm leaving.
I'm really ready to go.

Dirty Bad - Take 2

What an odd night. Asked Shawshank about the Girl On A String theory and he didn't even remember the conversation. I'm not sure what he remembers from that evening.

Who's the dumbass?

This girl! <-------------

I still haven't decided who I'm disappointing, if anyone. Besides myself. Maybe it's the weather driving me to these gloomy introspections.

Girl On a String

It's been an interesting week. Lots of stuff going on. Not sure what to make of it.
First, I get a weird text from an old friend, essentially a bootie text, from 2 states away.  Then, I talk to Shawshank about the oddness of the text and he tells me, well, it is a way for a guy to keep a girl on a string, even though he may not be doing anything about it.
And then, because I'm a dumb shit and it took me 3 days to pick up on it, I realize that Shawshank himself is keeping me on a fucking string. I don't have just one guy that does it to me, I have two. Of course, Shawshank tells me a couple days later that he wants to set me up with someone he knows. Who lives well over 500 miles away, but hey, you need the attention. People make me tired. These people are supposed to be my friends.
Is this proof that the guys aren't really my friend? Am I stupid cause I didn't see it happening? Should I make it stop? Does that mean that I take everything they say with a grain of salt?

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I'll be back in Texas in 6 days. The countdown has begun. I'll hit Louisville this weekend, but then, it is back to Texas, back to my old job. Le sigh.

Patience is not my strong suit.

Careful What You Wish For

What an odd day. I had received information this morning about my doctor's appointments (which all turned out well), then found out I am leaving Indy next week for good. It is good and it is bad. I'm tired of all the traveling, but there is so much more I could do here.
I feel odd about it. I have no idea if I've done enough good to be promoted, I have no idea if the powers that be will forget my name, I just have no idea. I haven't eaten anything all day, then gorged on soup and salad and chips. And Raisinets. I've been very very bad. I'm not sure what is going to happen. This week will be so weird. I will be transitioning the boss with the rest of the crew. And then it will get more odd because I only have so long to check with other stores before I turn the who thing over to him.

Well, at least I'm not drinking through it tonight.

Dirty Bad

What is it about doing something you know you aren't supposed to do? What is it that makes it thrilling?  And yet, at some point, you have to be able to say, this is the way this is going, how do I feel about that. If it doesn't bother you, does it make it a bad thing or do you become a sociopath?

Well, I'm not a sociopath, but I thoroughly enjoyed my delicious bad things I did last night. Nothing I did is illegal in any state, but I try to be the good one.
Sometimes, it is more fun to just run with being the bad one.  Sometimes it is the wicked things we want to do with other people that makes life worth living. And sharing what we want to do makes life more freeing. And feeling scandalous.

You also reap what you sow, right? Bad things are going to come my way. I'll just have to ride it out.

Couch Living

My Dr insisted I get a mammogram today. Apparently anytime you visit the dr in October you must wear the pink and get your boobs checked out. More guaranteed action than a date, but I haven't gotten the bill yet to see if it was worth it.
Also, received the requiste flu shot, bloodwork, urinated into a cup (which is not easy for a girl to do), and then had my girls squeezed.
Got a bootie text last night. Which was ironic, being that he is in another state, engaged and was apparently enjoying some male friend on male friend action. When did I turn in to the den mother? Why send me the pics of our friend going down on you? Why tell me I've always been the one you've loved?  That I'll be the one you regret losing? You don't keep me in the loop of your life, you don't tell me even when the fucking wedding is, but you feel the need to tell me you'll always love me?  WTF?

I'm only back home for a couple more days. Then back to Indy where I have to get back on the treadmill and bike. I have to get into a habit of losing weight. I have to try and start enjoying it. No, I don't know how I'm going to do that either, but I need to try. Still don't know what's going to happen in a couple of weeks. I may stay, I may go back to my old job. Just have to play it by ear and call on all the patience I don't own to be nice. If I come home, at least I'll be around familiar like surroundings. But I'll still be in Texas. Which sucks.

Boarding The Bus to Monotony

I'm back in Indy. Spent the weekend in St Lou with the family. Spent lots of time with my niece. Finally, I got to be the fun Aunt. I spun her around and hung her upside down, and generally made her extremely dizzy. She loved every minute of it. My back hurts.

Left late to come back tho. Was supposed to be back early enough to work and totally did not do that at all. I'm a bad bad boss.  I'll start up again tomorrow. After I get my phone. I cannot wait until I get my phone.  I completely detest the Windows Phone I was given. Granted it was a loaner so it was already a piece of crap, but ugh. That experience has taught me to never venture a toe off the Apple tree. Until Apple ticks me off again. Which it might do with this refurb phone. Who knows.

Waiting for a Nap

It's been a long day of touring stores and riding in a car with my boss. It hasn't been horrible, but it has been a long day.

No exercise today. I'm a bum, but I really should be taking a nap. Or just sleeping period.

Going to see my cousin on Thursday night. Drop off a bottle of wine and get some dinner I'm sure.

Withdrawals.

The iPhone has gone down. They've given me some sort of windows loaner thing. That's the last time I buy an extended warranty with Best Buy. The windows phone won't power back up. I find I'm annoyed. No email, no texting, no solitare. I'm going into convulsions.

Talking Back to the Shin Splints

Went and exercised again. I'm not super excited about doing it. I'm not seeing the results as quickly as I would like. I'm sure it is good for me, but I can't see it. I look in the mirror in the gym and see my body and I'm disgusted by what I see. I'm fairly certain that isn't how it should be, but ... And at the same time I'd love to have a plate of nachos.

My boss comes in tomorrow. This should be interesting. 3 more days with a boss or counterpart next to me. More judging. More scrutinizing. Gosh, I can't wait. I'm not even sure what this guy looks like, so it will be interesting to see if I can pick him out of a crowd.

Then I will be left to my own devices for another week. I had to drag my butt out of bed this morning to get to work. I'm sure the rest of the week will be just as exciting. I drop him off at the airport on Thursday around 10:30ish. From there I will hightail it to Springfield so I can give my cousin her bottle of wine and then go walk stores in Peoria and Springfield. I don't really need to go to Springfield, but since I will be in the neighborhood....  That way I can just drive straight to St. Lou from Springfield and I won't get in too late.

My stomach is growling. I'm going to get drive thru cause I'm all sweaty, but I'm telling you, nachos sound wicked awesome.

Road Tripping Down the Yellow Brick Road

Went down to Louisville yesterday. Saw Nic, went to Huber Winery and picked up 8 bottles of the apple wine I miss so much. Of course I had to test a bottle last night when I got back to the hotel. It was good.

For My Friends is an excellent song, and that version is live, but it is what I've been listening to the last couple of days. That and Fall Out Boy. Two different ends of the spectrum, but it is what is motivating me right now.

Sorry for the interruption, but I suddenly had to go work out. At least I did work out. I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping and when the alarm goes off at 5, I'm not even hitting snooze, I'm just turning off the alarm. Luckily, or because I know myself, I've already got another alarm scheduled for 6 and 7. That doesn't make it better, I didn't get out of bed until 8:30 this morning, but at least I got out of bed. I'm having some trouble self motivating at this point. I should've gone to see some stores, but it is 1:15 and all I've done is eat a bagel and work out. Well, I showered. That's a plus.

I'm lonely. So is half the population, I know, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I couldn't sleep last night because I felt so isolated. After spending a good portion of my day with Nic and his family. Maybe it is because it is raining, but I don't think so. Maybe it is because I'm still in Indy, but I'd be just as alone in Texas. Something has to change, but I'll be damned if I know how to change it. I need to move forward, but I keep running to my past as a touchstone. I wasn't any happier. I wasn't any better then, but I keep going back.

I keep thinking about the schnook I bought dinner for. Did he actually pay it forward? Did he think about it again or did he just relay to his friends how silly he felt, and perhaps relief that I didn't expect him to put out for dinner?

This week is going to be an odd one. My boss is coming in town to train me how to use the systems, which means I'm going to have to get all the passwords right and be able to get into the systems. We are also going to have to walk some stores. I held the hands of the couple of the store managers, but I have no idea what to expect when we hit the stores.

I'm so tired of where I'm at right now. I wonder if I'll miss it when I go.

I've broken off communication with Shawshank for now. He doesn't need me. He has found a peace, the therapy is working and he feels happy in his relationship.  I can't relate because I'm not in a relationship, but I also don't feel like he actually gives a shit about what is going on with me. I don't know what to tell him. Do I tell him the loneliness feels crippling? Do I tell him that I'm constantly unsure about what I'm doing in my life? That I'm beginning to believe I will never find a soulmate oreven someone  to share my life with on a regular basis? What is he going to be able to do to fix it? Nothing. He has a life. He has friends, and responsibilities. I just don't happen to be one of them.  

Climbing Back Up The Charley Horse

Worked out tonight. It felt good. My legs burned, I sweat a lot and felt like I got something done. And then I came upstairs and grabbed a salad. And a brownie. The brownie was delicious.

My boss will be coming in next week. There are lots of things we need to do. I have to learn a lot and try not to make an ass out of myself. These are bold things.

Blues are playing tonight. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to see the game, but I can seem to catch it on FSN. Yay me!!

Boredom abounds

I've been in this town for a couple of months. I'm now bored. Not that I've been doing anything that is interesting besides work, but still. Just tired of coming back to the hotel. I'm not sure that I would be doing anything more interesting at home in Dallas though.

I haven't exercised for over a week. It feels like longer, but I know it isn't. I need to make sure I get my ass up tomorrow morning and walk a lot. And a whole lot. I like these jeans fitting so loose on me. I like the fact that I can pull on the belt when I'm sitting in the airplane. I really need to continue to work out, to continue to feel good about myself.

So I went out to dinner tonight. The guy sitting next to me at the bar left his debit card at work and had no way to pay. So I offered to pay for his meal. At first he was offended, then he balked and then he caved. I didn't do it to take his masculinity, I did it cause I could help. He asked for my card, which I don't have, shook my hand and left.  We made small talk, but we didn't talk about anything interesting. I'm sure I wasn't the one he was looking for because he told me he was terrible with names, but he could remember the cute bartenders name.

Oh well. At least I did my good thing.

I finally got my work laptop up and running. Woo! At least now I can do some of the other things that I'm supposed to be doing instead of pretending to do it at a store. We'll see how well it works. My boss comes in next week and hopefully will be able to get me set up on some of the things I'm supposed to do.

Maybe I'm lonely. Maybe the problem is that I'm constantly by myself. I'm going to see Nic this weekend. I'll see my sisters next weekend. Maybe that will make me feel better.

Delaying the Inevitable

I should be sleeping. I've been feeling sick for days. It is a sinus infection in the making. I'm not blowing blood yet, but it is coming. The headaches are coming more and more frequently.
I haven't exercised recently. I really need to get my butt back downstairs and on a treadmill, but I'm not feeling it. Lazy I suppose.

I haven't really spoken to Shawshank recently. We've texted a bit, but we've cut back on our communications a huge amount. Communications. Yeah. Well, either way, we haven't talked in a while. He's been busy with work and I have as well. I finished the huge tour last week. I have another visit coming this week, and another big one next week. Everybody wants to see me. I'm crazy popular.

I've got myself scheduled to be out here for 5 more weeks. I'm not saying I prefer to be out here, but I'm not sleeping well when I go home. It has a lot to do with my cats. They keep waking me up and wanting me to pet them. I feel awful that I keep leaving them, but I'm in a place betwixt and between. I just have to figure out what the heck I'm doing.

I wish I knew.

Cussing My Sinuses

I've been travelling with HR for the last two days. It is the annual fall tour and we have been on the road for what seems like forever. We were all over the place yesterday. Travelled and walked stores for 12 hours. I thought my feet were going to fall off.
Today was easier, but more windshield time. Tomorrow is going to be the longest day because after the tours, i have to drive back to Indy from Springfield. 3.5 hour drive. Then fly out at 8.
Blergh.

This Has Only Been A Test

So, because I'm curious, I'm not going to share this with Google+. Then I can see if people are viewing it, or if it is just cause Google wants me to feel important.

I'm not having a stellar day. I've creased the bumper of the rental. I start the big visit tomorrow. 3 days in the car with the head of HR. I'm just not that good a girl not to run my mouth. My sinuses are draining into my ear and my throat. I walked into 3 stores this morning, but didn't want to. I need to find another way to want to spend time in the stores I don't want to go into. It's really difficult to want to spend time in the stores where you want to knock people's heads together. Which, you can't do because that is illegal.

Of course, now I have to call LP tomorrow about the damn rental. It was my own fault. I misjudged the pole, and backed into it. Now there is this little crease. Fudge!!

I'm still exercising, but I'm just not getting into it as much as I'd like. I'd like to think that I would just be so excited to be doing it, but I'm really not. The only positive thing is that my pants are looser, but when I get on the flippin scale, it still says that same weight.

I did pick up a new to me artist. The Derek Trucks Band. I'm enjoying the music. I hope the head of HR likes Blues. Cause if he doesn't it will be a long 3 days.

White Trash-A-Palooza

I've had about a bottle of wine, and am flipping through the channels. At this point I'm watching both Why Am I Married and Drive Angry. It is just screwing with my mind. And Drive Angry is just the Hoosier filled drama. And it is a Nic Cage filled drama. And it is awesome. And completely terrible and awful.

I am loving the weather out here. I have missed fall so much in Texas. There is no discernible fall down there. It is just hot all the time, until January. The leaves are changing, the air is cooler, the smell has this incredible taste to it that you can't put your finger on.

I've been so melancholy today. I got up and worked out, came back and took a nap. Cause it was apparently difficult today to get my shit together.  The nap was wonderful. I could've used a little bit longer, but I hadn't double locked the door and thought maybe the maids would come in.

Of course, now that I've had a bottle of wine, and I'm totally craving chocolate and salt, I'm all weepy during Why Did I Get Married or whatever the hell I'm watching.  Cause it is sad and everybody is transitioning. And it is sad.

My sisters are hanging together, but I opted not to drive in to St Lou this weekend. Amy's having a great weekend spoiling my niece and Sarah get's a minute not having to worry about both kids. Not that she can't handle the kids, I'm sure she is just enjoying a second minute of breath.  Fact is I'm a little bit jealous. But, I also needed a weekend to myself.

Feeling Petty

I want to sit and whine this morning. I want to be a pansy, but I'm sitting here watching a tribute to a fallen officer who was killed yesterday here in Indy. A 5 year officer who went in to help a woman who was being abused and ended up killed. I was wondering why the police cars had black flags on them when I saw them yesterday.
I want to be naval gazing. It makes me look bad, even to me.

I am so hungry. And I've already eaten.

Whimpering in the Fetal Position

So I put in a full hour of exercise this morning. My toes went numb, my muscles feel shaky and I was actually moaning while working out trying to get through it. I feel like a pansy, but I'm glad I was able to get it done. 

Now I should shower and go get my clothes clean at a laundromat. I have not been at a laundromat in years. I'm not even sure the last time. Maybe KC? I have to because the hotel I'm at doesn't have one. I've emailed my boss to see if I can go to a higher priced hotel. We'll see what comes of that. I should just done it and asked forgiveness later, but hindsight is 20/20.

Gathering My Courage

Sitting here in the hotel watching Moneyball and it seems to be resonating with me. I can completely understand trying to change a whole group's thought on how they are doing their business. I have been working on doing the same thing out here with these people. Sometimes it works. There are some people in the area who are taking what I've given them and run with it. There are others where I just want to smack them. 

I have to go back to a store tomorrow, after I stopped by today and just got so ticked off I couldn't walk with the dept. mgr. So I went to the next store, wasted my time by even stopping. 

Didn't exercise today. I feel kind of bad. I know I should give myself some time to not exercise, but I had a huge dinner and I have been so hungry. I've been trying to watch what I eat, but I had a big dinner. I was just happy I didn't have the appetizer before dinner. 

I think I should start yoga, but I also don't feel coordinated enough either. 

Spoke with Shawshank today. Spoke being a loose term. More messenger'd him. He started, but I feel a little out of sorts. It's that either I don't understand him, or he doesn't understand me. Some days I just don't think I'm getting the real guy. And, quite honestly, if he doesn't have the time or inclination to be real with me, why am I wasting my time with him. Maybe it is just that my oldest friend isn't matching up with the guy I have built up in my head. That isn't his fault. That's mine. So, I'll let him be for a while. 

Shaking Muscles

I've been working out downstairs. Sweating and when my muscles started warming up I felt pretty good. The chair for the recumbant bike is killing my ass though. I should have stayed longer, but I really didn't. The other guy in the weight room was grossing me out.
I weighed myself though and I'm extremely depressed. I haven't lost any weight according to the scale. How extremely sad. All of this work and I've just got tone calves.
So I've skipped dinner and now I'm starving. Had a little bit of oatmeal for breakfast cause the options in this hotel kind of sucks. My lunch should have satisfied but it didn't. I ended up getting chips that I shouldn't have and they were awesome. They are the Ruffles Honey Mustard and wow. And now I know why the updated Kia Soul Hamsters look better than I do. 

Circling Back to Someone Else's Beginning

I'm back in Indy. At a not as cool hotel as I was before. With another Chevy Cruze!! Holy crap.  Of course, now that I know that you can change the car to run from automatic to manual I watched that thing like a damn hawk.
Got in late last night. Slept poorly, tossed and turned. Didn't exercise this morning. Still haven't showered yet. I am having lunch with an HR today so she can give me tips on my travels next week.

But I'm ready to be over all this travel. I can see the end of this and I guess I'm ready to be past it. I hope this will change over the course of the day. But I'll be honest. I could go back in bed today and stay there.

And the GM of the old hotel has already texted me this morning to say hello and that he hoped I would have a great day. That was nice. We'll see what happens there.

Sucking Wind on the Elliptical

I am home for 24 hours. I've noticed a few things.
1st: having a multiple cat home means your house smells like cats. I have to fix that. How to fix it I have no idea, but I will have to do something. I have sprayed down the house with Febreze and still it hasn't completely fixed it.
2nd: I don't exercise well at home. I really need to join a gym. Since I still have no idea when I'll be home permanently, but I should really get my shit together.
3rd: when I don't take my Strattera I get twitchy hungry. Luckily there is nothing in my house to eat. Almost literally, there is nothing but some chocolate and a bottle of wine. I need to take a shower and get cleaned up so I can run to Fuzzy's. I have a thing for their Big Salad. With shrimp and avocado ranch. I really want some soft tacos as well.

Anticipating Happiness

I haven't had a bad day at all, and I kind of expected I would. Last night went out to Decatur and saw my cousin, while I was out working in Springfield. We had awesome pizza (a thin crust with mashed black and refried beans as the sauce, fresh garlic on that, lettuce, chicken, etc.), and I let her know I was interested in women too. I'm only 40. At some point I have to actually date a woman to be called bisexual, but I'm thinking the intent helps. Now if I could just find the balls (I know, I know) to ask one out.
But, first, I have to keep working on losing weight. I have to keep working on being happy with me. It's hard. Sometimes I want to kick my own ass. Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough to be better at my job and goodness knows I could exercise more. But I will eventually be the person I'm supposed to be. It's only taken me 40 years to figure out how that I should do that. It won't happen by magic. No matter how much I keep wishing for a magic pill.
Had a great compliment from one of my employees today. She asked where I was going and I told her I had no idea. She said she thought I was really good at the job I was doing and she enjoyed having me work out there. She asked her department manager what she thought, and the manager asked if they could keep me.

But I still have no idea where I'm going to be working in 2 weeks.

Berating Myself in Front of the Treadmill

Which isn't actually true. I am pretty disappointed in myself for how I did on the bike this morning. Only 18 minutes, which is better than I have on the last two outings, but still. I want to be thinner, I want to be healthier, but I can't resist the carrot cake muffins or spend more time on the bike. I didn't get on the treadmill this morning. Perhaps I should have started there this morning and walked until my shin splint kicked in, but I want to rest the pain. I had a good workout. I felt like I was actually working. I'm still sweating, but I wanted to be able to spend more time on there.

I'm just in a cranky mood. Maybe it's PMS. Wait, no, it can't be that. Hmm. Hopefully a cold shower will help. So I can drive down to one of my not favorite stores and then drive prob 4 hours. I need a distraction. My brain and my libido are taking me to the dark side and really, one shouldn't fantasize for hours. About people she has no business fantasizing about.

Stretching Out Those Sore Muscles

These shin splints are killing me. I've been trying to figure out how to stretch the muscle. I found a very nice Marine in the weight room this evening (cause I worked out a second time today), and he gave me a stretch to try. I am so out of shape that I'm having trouble doing it. But, I'm doing what I can. The front of my shins are rock hard though so I feel slightly better. But not better enough.

I will switch my workouts though. Less treadmill, which apparently is easy for me now, and on to the bike which made me sore, and the elliptical. Which I find difficult to work. I guess I need to start researching gyms now. I really could use some direction on this and a trainer would be the best way to go. I just have to find the courage to go into a huge gym where I am going to be crazy self conscious about the way I look.

This is a terrible version, but All I Need has been on constant rotation on my music lately. It makes me yearn for something, but I'm not sure what that is right now. Well, I have an idea. I want to be pinned to the wall and be kissed until I lose my breath.

I'm not sure what to do about Shawshank. I find that I'm constantly editing what I tell him. I don't think he wants to hear all of the dirty in my head, which isn't exactly directed at him. He gets prissy when I text him stuff like that. I think I'm going to have to pull back from him a bit. I'm not sure if he is trying to abide by what I originally want which is to not tease each other to a frenzy and he's gone over to the lollipop side, or if he just is that uncomfortable with those discussions. If he's that uncomfortable maybe the experiment is a bust. Or, maybe I just let it go and I fake my friendship with him and let him tell me to keep my chin up and all the other cliche shit he's been giving me lately.

My  favorite Bonamassa song is this one. It isn't the best version, I love the version from his live album, A New Day Yesterday Live.

I have to shop for some new music now. I'm out of work your ass off and be grateful for it music.

Mid Afternoon Pleasure

Is it wrong for anyone really to just, every once in a while, need to pull off to the side of your day and make your body sing?

In other news. I'm a little cranky today. Not sure if it is cause I found out my out that my assignment has been given an estimated end date, or the fact that I can see me going back to my old job in a few weeks and I'm already annoyed by the crap we have to deal with.

Conversations Under the Covers

You know you aren't feeling the workout when you are talking to yourself in bed trying to convince your body to get up so you can walk in place for half an hour.

And all the traditional arguments aren't getting you up.

All in all, I didn't even make 20 minutes although I did walk a mile this morning. Today was rougher than normal. I'm guessing I have a shin splint and it is just making my leg drag, not to mention it hurts. I'm whining though. I want to enjoy this exercise thing. I really do. I read blogs and google things and talk to people, but I'd rather be naturally thin. It isn't going to happen and I realize that. I just have to get over walking and start running. The only thing is I need a sports bra for my ass. I've tied down the front, but when I run my rear is bouncing all over and it is actually sore from all the bouncing,

As for yesterday. That day just bit ass. Talked with one manager, who started doing big tears like I'm going to care. Get over yourself. If you did your damn job I wouldn't be here kicking your ass. I went to my next store and I enjoy that store, but had to chide them a bit too for stupid shit. I'm trying to decide which store I'm going to next, or if I'm going to go to one today at all. I absolutely should, but I really need to take some time doing paperwork too.

We'll see. After I take my shower I might just crawl back in bed,

Reorganizing my Life Goals and Fashion Sense

I've had a long talk with Shawshank tonight, via messenger of course. He told me to put my goals in life in order. Quite honestly, I don't know that I really had life goals. I did once. A very, very long time ago. But life changes, and things become different. The goals I had once no longer fit my life and I've been sort of drifting for years. I've had several short term goals but nothing long term. So, he made me list out what I want.

• Get to the next step in my job.
• Mentor those who are coming up so they can move higher than me.
• I want to trust and be trusted in a relationship
• I want to fall in love and share my life with someone

Some that I didn't share:

• I want to be happier with myself; the decisions I make and the way I look.
• I want to feel more confident in who I am and more comfortable with the way my life is going.
• I want to be a better friend.

But, like I shared with him, I miss having friends close. I miss having people who give a damn about me close to me or able to share more of their lives with me. I need to have people who know who I am, all of it, the good and the flawed and still like me. I want friends who will accept me for myself even when I am having trouble doing so. 

Shawshank wants to be a support system, and to an extent he is, but I told him I need to find others, ones I won't feel bad about sucking their time. What I didn't say, is I want someone I can rely on. He has his own agenda for being my friend right now, and I am not sure I know what it is.

He wants me to go out and scratch my itch, but I make terrible choices. Toddlers looking for something tasty to eat in the medicine cabinet make better choices than I do dating.  He says to rely on friends to be help me be a better person.

For the music portion, Golden makes me think more than I should and Seven seas is just good old school music. 

The big question at the end of all of this is, how do I do all of these things? 

Hiding with the Toy Soldiers

It is wicked early. I've been up for a couple hours already and am sitting in the family room at my sister's, alternating between work and playing on Tumblr and Google.  More playing than working to be honest. If I was a good kid, I would be clearing out my email, but I'm just not that dedicated. I'm also listening to my sister's Rottweiler snore on the couch next to me. Poor baby just dropped on the totem pole again as my sister finally had her second kid. This one is a boy. I've never ever babysat or messed with in any way baby boy's so when I was asked to change his diaper I was a little stunned. All the parts are there the way they are supposed to be, it was just weird I guess, since it isn't anything I do on a regular basis.
I'm thinking that I haven't seen that many guys naked that close up either though. Or it has been so damn long that I have forgotten it all. Probably so damn long.
Anyway, I'm in my hometown paying homage to the kid. First thing I do, after being up for 15 hours or so is open a wine bottle instead of oohing and aahhing over him. Which has upset my parents and confused my brother in law's father. Being that I have made it to the ripe old age of 40 without kids of any kind, or regular interaction with kids of any kind, they aren't high on my list of things I need to geek out over. That may make me a bad person, but I'm becoming more and more comfortable with understanding my own needs and quirks and interests and not conforming to any one else's standards.  If I can't learn to accept me, no one else will. That doesn't make me bad, it makes me as unique as everyone else. And the worst part is that most people accept me for who I am, I'm the one who has a problem with it.
Anyway, I pour myself a glass of apple wine (my absolute favorite), and have the little one thrust into my arms. He's got the same old man look all babies do, and is sleeping. Once I figure out how to hold the kid and drink at the same time I am good to go.
After a couple more hours of playing with the 18 month old who is loving all the attention, I finally get to go to sleep, before everyone else and I feel a bit bad about that. I mean, my sister is the one who had the kid, but I asked several times what I could do to help and apparently there is nothing I could do. Except donate my reserve bottle of wine to her cause. She deserves it. She worked hard. She was unable to drinkj any apple wine so she can have mine. I'll just have to have Nic pick me up some more.
Speaking of Nic, I had a good time with him yesterday. I went and got my hair done and then popped over to his house for bs and a movie. The movie was Percy Jackson and it was ok, but the good time was hanging out with Nic, getting to see his family who really does like me and worry about me. I miss those people. I don't think I'm going to get the Indiana job on a permanent basis, although it would work out really well if I did. It is close enough that I could go to Louisville and St Lou on a regular basis and not feel overly guilty.
My niece is up. I can hear her cooing to my sister.

Looking Under the Bed for Motivation

I'm sitting in the hotel bed, trying to find some motivation to get my ass up and get on a treadmill.  I'm failing. I'm just sitting here, watching a Haven marathon on SyFy.  Cause I"m sad and sorry. And I am loving this. Love this show. Love the fact that there is one person for another, and you can tell because you can only feel that other person's touch. Of course, the show has progressed since then. And it doesn't mean that those two are fated. In fact, they go to lengths to show that other people can be affected by lack of touch or troubles.
Of course, everyone on the show is gorgeous, but the thought kind of gives me hope. It is completely romanticized, but ... it makes me feel happy. I should be walking the treadmill. Or doing situps.

Shaking my head

Yesterday was one of those days where you just wanted to smack someone. This day isn't starting much better. No access to work email, which shouldn't be a problem normally, but I'm sure someone is trying to get a hold of me. Somewhere.
I did have a shot, bad food and too many beers last night. I haven't slept well. Which means I'll be sleeping early tonight. I have to be on the road at 5:30 a.m. to get to Louisville to see my favoritist hair styler, have her fix the mop on my head and then catch a movie with Nic. From there it is off to St. Lou to see my sister and the new kid. Sunday, sometime, I'll limp back here. For another fun filled week of who is dumbest today!
Even bigger deal tho, I did socialize last night at the hotel bar. Talk to strangers while I texted Shawshank whining about not losing any weight. He says to see a trainer. And I know he is right. But, for right now, I only went a half hour on the treadmill (which a month and a half ago I couldn't do) and then an extra 10 on the bike. I think I'll try the bike first on Monday and then move to the treadmill. Once I figure out how to move the damn seat back.
Of course, I was giving Shawshank all kinds of trouble but he didn't want to play. He was a choirboy. And now I have no one to play with. It's hard to be a sinner when you are surrounded by saints.

Well, crap. I finally figured out why I'm not losing any weight. Apparently if I want to lose weight, I have to exercise for over an hour a day! I'm having trouble walking on the treadmill for half an hour to 40 minutes before I'm bored and my calf is hurting. A full flipping hour? Where the hell am I going to find the motivation for that?
I also left the fitness community on Google+.  I couldn't stay on a community where they kept showing pictures of scantily clad women who are also rocking those 6 pack abs, etc. It was not doing anything for me but making me feel inadequate. I can do fine on my own for that, I really and truly don't need any help.

So, for those of you reading, and I think there is at least one. How do I motivate myself to workout more when I'm not enjoying the work out I'm doing now?

Body Rebellion

The interesting part of this journey is how I'm changing. I was in Springfield to tour a store yesterday and just decided to see my cousin last night. I've been keeping myself busy, I've been going out and sitting by myself at bars and restaurants while I eat. I travel to see family and friends. I honestly think this is the busiest I've been in a while. In a very long while.
I've also been teaching myself how to put on makeup correctly, spending money on things so I can look more professional when I go to stores. And the exercise. I even went and worked out tonight, which is almost unheard of. I didn't push myself too hard. My leg has been bothering me. Not the back part of my calf, but the front. In fact, it was so tight I had to stop for a minute and try and stretch it. I want to feel good about the fact that I am exercising, but I also feel like I should be doing more.
On the social front, however, I've seen ice cubes that have more warmth than my social life right now. I see people in the hallway at the hotel and I smile and you would've thought I had given them an indecent proposal then and there. I cannot figure it out. In fact, tonight, I was in the fitness room and this guy walks in. I smile, he rolls his eyes and gets on the treadmill next to me. So I went back to my thing. He runs on the treadmill like he's trying to push the machine into another room while I am still (apparently shamefully) am walking on my treadmill. I'm careful to keep my eyes to myself, but my leg bothers me so I finish early. Sure enough, I'm bringing my laundry down and there he is, waiting to get on the elevator. I smile and say Hi and he looks at me under his eyelashes like I've felt him up. Granted, I've lived in Texas for a while, but I would've swore that basic politeness was something people looked for.
It was the same thing this morning at the hotel in Springfield. I'm trying to be nice and these people are staring at me like I've got horns growing out of my face.  If this keeps up I will never be able to date again. And, while I'm not body confident enough to jump in the sack with someone, I would like to go out and have a conversation with someone. Actually, what I'd really like is someone to pin me against the wall and kiss me like something would break inside of them if they didn't do it right that moment.
Maybe I should join a boxing class to work out this extra aggression. And work my upper body.

All the Love that Tums Built

I broke the rental car this morning. Not on purpose, mind you. It was just that the Cruze couldn't accelerate at the rate I needed it to. And, when I finally allowed it to rev back down the check engine light came on. I'm all for great gas mileage, but it has to be able to toss itself out the window and speed up when needed. Big props to Enterprise. They took the car back without complaint or question and gave me the pick of what I wanted. I looked at the Cadillac, but went with a Charger. I know the Charger since I drive one on a regular basis. Actually I picked the keys for the Avenger, but the guy behind the counter laughed at me. He asked me what car I wanted and gave it to me. Enterprise really does have the best customer service I've come across.
I'm still stuck in the handicapped room at the hotel, but it's only for two weeks. In fact, I can't come back to this hotel because the room rate is higher than approved. That is a new stipulation so I will obey and I choose another hotel up the road. I hope they have a weight room. I really do want to keep up with my exercising.  Or the pretense of it. I walked 40 minutes this morning. And then! Woo! I used the weights. I know I keep saying this, but I need to get set up at a real gym when I get back to Dallas. Something with a trainer who can keep me in line so I get my ass up at 5 am to drive down there and work out. I sent a text to a friend this morning asking where the cute lesbians were to help me get my shit together. She said they were all waiting for me to get my shit together. Tsk. No man or woman to be had. What's the fun of self improvement if there is no one to comment on it?
And, of course, I went out and dropped a ton of money on make up and hair conditioner. The problem is the conditioner is the bomb. It makes my hair feel so silky. The other is a primer for my makeup so my eye makeup will stay. Otherwise it's just this dark smudge. Of course, now I feel like I'm just shellacking the makeup on, but darn it, I want to look professionalish.
Long drive tomorrow. Back to Illinois to see some stores, stay a night out there, and then come back on Wednesday. I don't even think I'm going to have time to have an office day this week. Thursday and Friday I'm spending some serious time out up north. One has inventory and the other is just a hot mess. And then off to Louisville to get my hair done. It's been over a year since I've seen my regular stylist. The one who created the look. She will wax my neck, and finally fix the mess that is the back of my head. I'll catch a movie with Nic and then off to St. Lou cause my sister is getting induced this week. I may get to meet my new nephew. I shall call him Fred. No one else will, but until my sis beats me for using the wrong name, I'll get to call him whatever I want.

Flying by the seat of my pants

I have flown down to Frisco, TX and back to Indy in less than 18 hours. My cats are unhappy with me. I feel incredibly guilty about dropping in on them and leaving. I don't have a real choice in the matter, if I want to get promoted, I need to do this traveling. It doesn't make sense to the girls, they are just ticked at me. And, I think they peed on my bed. I had to sleep in the guest bed because the smell was waking me up, and the girls were walking me up. They kept meowing in my ear and running their claws down my back. There was more room for all of us on the king, but still. They kept track of me the entire time I was in the apartment. Didn't matter what room I was in, they were there too. Poor babies. I'll be back in 2 weeks, but it will be another quick turnaround. I feel like an awful mom.

Meanwhile I have the head of HR coming to my area in 3 weeks. I will have to completely on my game for this visit. I have to know what I'm doing, but there is so much I don't really know. So I'm also going to have to be on top of faking it.

Had a great chat with Shawshank this weekend. We talked about a little bit of everything. It seems he is trying to learn how to be friends with me again. Dumbass. But I absolutely can not turn down the chance to reconnect with him. I seem to be doing most of the talking, but that's ok. We've set up boundaries and I think I can work with what we've set up. Goodness knows I need to concentrate on work.

I've been listening to Joe on heavy rotation, including dislocated boy and too much ain't enough, which are both awesome songs.

I also must celebrate the exercise. I didn't think I was seeing results, but the belt was looser on the plane. It isn't a big deal, but not having to ask for an extension was huge. So, it'll be back on the treadmill tomorrow. I won't transform overnight, but I have many changes I want to make. I'm disappointed in the person I've allowed myself to become. I can do better than this.

I was going to post a photo, but it's damn difficult to figure that one out.

Watching Life Through My Fingers

I'm supposed to be packing. I have to be out of the hotel in a couple of hours and my flight doesn't leave for 8.  I'm flying home for less than 18 hours. Enough time to shell out $120 in taxi fare, do laundry, pick up cat food and sleep. It isn't a bad thing, but oh, the crap I have to pack to take back. I'm going to have to do some serious evaluating of what I'm bringing back up here. The jean skirt I probably don't need, I'll cut back on the shoes by at least one pair, and if I sew up my work pants I can bring them back, otherwise those stay in Texas too.

Drove down to Louisville yesterday and caught a movie with Nic. Last night was actually a pretty nice night. We went to the movie (World's End, it was ok), and then we went to the bar for a beer after. We joked like we always have and in general had a pretty good night. We have a good friendship, if a bit odd. We don't always talk, but when we can hang out, we're good to just chill. I'm going back to get my hair cut and he and I will catch a movie next weekend as well.

Of course, I'm driving back and realize it's a friday night and I haven't talked to Shawshank. I felt a bit bad about that. Not bad, just sad. I know, wait. No, I don't know. I believe he touched base because he could, but it wasn't easy so he flaked again. But I could be wrong. Plus, I have to remember he doesn't really belong to me. How does that work? How can you be friends with someone who is married? Especially if they are the opposite sex? We can't go all in. I can't rely on him to take care of all my emotional needs cause he isn't mine. I guess I never figured that out. I don't want to be the crazy person, but I miss having someone I can just pick up the phone and talk to without worrying that I'm intruding on something or overstepping my bounds.
 I'm sure there is a manual, but I'm 40 and I should have this shit down by now.

More Than I Can Chew

So, I realize that my full name is out now with this blog. And Google+ is not making it easy for me to pull that off. Not sure how I feel about that.

I've had this in my head all day. I love Beth Hart's voice.

No exercise for me tomorrow. I have to be in a store at 3. I should be asleep already.

In other news, I think I figured out how to edit my name. Which makes me feel better. I wouldn't want Shawshank to stumble across this. Well, it wouldn't kill him, but the point isn't to make him feel guilty. Or to make anyone feel guilty. This is one of the few places I know how to be completely honest, with myself at the very least.

I haven't heard from Shawshank since I turned off Messenger. I'm hanging with Nic tomorrow so I don't know if I'll hear from him or not. Either way, I'm good. If I can just pick up a bottle of the Apple Wine from Huber's on my way down or my way up I'll be good to go.

Sweaty Socks

Working out has never been anything I really enjoy. There is all that sweat and heart pounding and slight discomfort from those muscles I don't use. Even during sex, I hate that sweaty feeling, it makes me feel like I'm crazy out of shape, which I am. But I have to admit that sitting on a chair after my workout and feeling the sweat drip off my chin into my bra, makes me feel like I accomplished something. I'm not really sure that I have. But, damnit, I'm trying. Which should mean something. And should make this ugly pouch of a stomach go away.

I'm trying to get used to a length of time before I push myself to the next one. Right now it's 37 minutes. And I get 2 miles in that time. I also played with the weights for a bit this morning after I worked out. But I don't have a routine there and I'm hesitant to do something stupid. I don't think I'm going to be able to work out tomorrow morning, but I should be able to get something in on Saturday before I have to checkout and then come back to the hotel. It's oddly funny that I need to check in to my flight for Sunday back here to Indy before I've even gotten on the plane to leave.

Oh well, into the shower I go.

Limping To The Oldies

Today was another long day on the road, although I'd like to think I'm starting to get the hang of this job. I could be completely wrong. I'm going to talk with my mentor tomorrow night. That should be interesting, especially since my mentor is at the same level as my boss. I'm not sure my boss actually cares what is going on with me though so I don't think I'll be violating any rules. I sent her an email earlier this morning just updating her on how I'm doing. She helped me think through the process and listened to my ramblings.
I didn't fare as well exercising this morning. I only walked for a mile. I feel a little pansy like for not going longer, but my calf was bothering me again. I'm crazy full of energy this evening though. I'm all bouncy and wiggly. There is no real reason for me to feel this way. I haven't eaten all that much this evening. Maybe that's why. I'm not as loaded down.
I'm running out of music to listen to. I know, I know. It isn't actually possible to run out of music, but my favorite bands haven't put out anything that I'm dying to hear and apparently the Genius button doesn't appear on the iPad (ironic) for itunes. So I'm listening to the same things over and over. They aren't bad songs, but I guess I don't listen to my own music for such long periods of time usually.
Long day tomorrow, and I have to go to bed early so I can watch another store do their truck. The little joys in life.

I'm in a Scissor Sisters type of mood tonight. I've been streaming their albums on IheartRadio's website. I've also decided I need to start boxing. I don't believe the hotel will allow me to randomly do that in their workout room, but I'll have to figure out what I'm going to do to get more of an upper body workout. I can tighten my belt more than I have been able to before. Which is awesome, but I still don't look different. It's the little things I suppose.
I found out I will be in Indy for another month. Which is good because I'll still be going down to the little gym downstairs. I'll be missing my kittens tho. I feel like an ass for staying longer, but there is no other way we can do this. I'll have to contact the guy watching them and let him know I'll be up here longer. Another $600 to write out. It isn't the money, just living in a hotel. At least I know what is going on with my life. For another month at least.

Fishing for Reasoning

So the bartender texted me a couple of times last night. Checking in on me I suppose. It was odd. How was your day? How was your evening? Etc. After I answered the questions I went to bed. He called me later that evening, around 11, and woke me right the hell up. I had that heart pounding thing going for me trying to figure out who the heck was calling me. I asked what he was doing but he said he had the wrong number.
So, like a dumbass, i texted him this morning to ask what it was all about. He never responded, but said he learned his lesson cause I sounded mad. I'm like, you called me at 11. I was asleep. What part of me being up since 1 a.m. did you forget? I haven't heard from him since. And I'm not upset that I haven't heard from him. Now I remember why I don't date. It's so much flipping effort to just try and keep up with all the crap that other person brings. I wanted easy. I wanted a one night stand. I'm not crazy upset I didn't get it, just frustrated I had to deal with all the other crap.

I still haven't turned on messenger. I'm going to keep it off for a while. I'm also trying to keep posting on fb to a minimum, but that one may be more difficult than I realize.

I'm supposed to go down to Louisville on Friday and catch a movie with Nic. Not sure how I'm going to do that yet, but I'm sure I'll come up with something. I hope I come up with something.

Bloody keyboards

No call. No text.
I'm kinda relieved. Don't get me wrong. I want to lose myself in passion, but (my dirty little secret) I want to feel something for the person I'm losing my shirt over. I'm sure my old friend (who if I'm going to keep referencing I really need to create a name for) will be disappointed in me. He's really hip for me to get laid. I kinda wonder if he isn't planning on living vicariously through me. Hell, if I could live vicariously I probably would too.

I should hit the hay. Getting up at 1 am to be at a store at 3 kinda hurt today. Granted, I didn't get a ton done, and did get a small nap in, but nevertheless, I could use the sleep. Especially if I'm going to start exercising again tomorrow morning. I really want to see some weight loss, but I guess I just have to keep waiting.

My old friend will now be called Shawshank, because when I think about him now, all I can hear in my head is Morgan Freeman saying, "I just miss my friend." Which is ironic cause I talk to him all the time. I have to stop that. He had whatever odd reason to get back in touch with me, but it wasn't to connect all the time. He has a life without me. I need to let him go, or at least fade back into the woodwork where he was before. Maybe if I turned off Messenger...  Now how the hell do I do that again? Pull the app off my phone first would probably help.... Woot! Done. The temptation should lessen. One hopes.

I need to find more friends.

The Sepia Tones of Dreams

I am a sap. A pushover. Gullible even. Met a guy who served me drinks. Talked with him a bit, and he was nice enough. He asks for my number and my ego went through the roof. He wanted to have sex last week, but the timing on all fronts was wrong, but I text him on my way back into town yesterday and he sounds like he is game for it. But, apparently, wanting to get laid, and having a normal conversation are two totally different spectrums. Every other thing he texts is about how often I take care of business myself or how often he does it. What was I feeling yesterday (it was horny, I'll admit I was a little hot under the collar yesterday), what was I thinking about when I took care of it. Did I think of him....  blah blah blah. Yes, for several minutes I've been game to throw down with you, but holy crap. No, I'm not scared of your dick. I'm scared you can't use it correctly. No, I don't think you saying MMMMMM is going to turn me on, it tells me you can't form sentences.
So, now, I'm waiting for him to text me. Cause I'm tired tired tired of trying to have a conversation with him and him constantly swinging it back to sex. Yep, had trouble finding my shoes this morning. Doesn't me I was playing with myself in the meantime.
If he doesn't text me, I'm not texting him. I want to get laid, but at this point, I'm kinda turned off. Shhh. But, even if he does text me, I may not answer. There was a moment, but now it's gone. I think that may be the hazard of getting older.
Meanwhile, 4 days straight of not exercising. This cannot last. I definitely need to get my ass down to the work out room tomorrow morning before I start my tours.
My life is in the air right now with being in Indy. No clear exit strategy. No clear countdown on when  I might leave. I'm back next week, in fact I will get into Dallas at 6:30 p.m. and fly back out the next day at 1 p.m. Not even 24 hours.  Which sucks by the way.

My sister is getting ready to pop. My nephew, Fred, will join us soon, and my niece Turkey will be mightily displeased when she discovers someone else has moved into the sweet gig she has going.

Limping like Ceasar

I am totally celebrating my exercising today! I finally cleared 2 miles! And I was only on the machine as long as I normally am! I would've done a victory dance this morning, but there were witnesses in the weight room. I really think I'm going to have to join a gym when I get home.  I wanted to do weight type stuff when I was done, but I don't know enough about the machines to have done anything good.

Haven't heard back from the bartender. Which is kind of a shame and kind of not. I'm not going to screw with my career potential just to get laid. Although, to tell the truth and shame the devil, I completely miss getting laid. I lost a little interest, tho, when he sent me screenshot videos of the porn movie he was watching. I'm not kidding. I could be walking in a room of sheep and it would be the wolf wearing a disguise that would hit me up. That's not awful tho, I like a little kink.

Speaking of kink (it must've been you, I don't have conversations like that) I'm trying to maintain my distance with my old friend. I've missed him like crazy and want to share everything with him, but he's not mine. And I can't do that. It makes me sad to realize that. A little piece of me almost wishes he hadn't popped back up in my life. Something happens and I immediately want to share, and then realize I can't. It just means I need someone I can share that with so I don't feel the need to share with him, but ... until then I guess I share it here.

Work is wow. There is so much to this job. I can only hope I'm making a difference.  There are more than a few that I enjoy working with. There are a couple I could do without though. I'm still not sure how long I'll be here. I'll work on making the most of it though, while I'm here. I am getting a lot of experience and I'm grateful for it.

Holy crap I need to get ... I need to find my center. I need to find my core and my happiness. I need to find how to make me happy without anyone else.

And then scratch this itch cause it's making me feverish.

Give that girl a prize!

I'm all sorta proud of myself. Went out to dinner by myself, but talked to people! Flirted with the bartender!! He asked for my number! I'm not looking for the romance of the century here, but he asked for my number and I gave it to him.
Stayed up way too late last night tho texting with him after I had left the bar. Feeling sluggish this morning. Got on the treadmill, but not for as long and not with the same energy. Which also has to do with my time constraints this morning. I need to be at one store early and then another one later. Conference call to wrap the day and paperwork at night. It may be a good thing I don't have a social life. I have no idea when I would fit it in.

St. Lou this weekend tho. Family fish fry. Just family. Should be interesting.

Running to Catch My Rear

After a slow start to my day, I found I was supposed to work and had to throw my crap together. Never usually a huge deal, but I was annoyed.

I've been trying to figure out what I'm going to do about my longtime friend. I'm afraid the relationship has been damaged. I'm not sure if it's my fault, or his. He's admitted fault, so I feel a bit better, but I also wish I had never heard him say the phrase. Our friendship can never be what it was, and we were both naive to believe it could be, but hopefully it can be more than it was.  I'll be honest though, I'm not sure if it can. And that makes me sad.

Excuse the whine

So while I'm on here whining and divaing, I'm still not sure what I should be doing. And not just in general. What do I want to do with my life? I'm in Indy now, but this is just a temp promotion. It isn't supposed to last. It is one more checkmark in my favor that says, 'Why, yes, we think this chick can do this job.'
The question is will this job make me happy?
I'm also working out, almost daily. Trying to eat smaller portions. I haven't seen any weight loss yet, except for a little more room in my bra. I'm going to keep up with it. I have to. I hate the way I look. I hate my size. I want to be healthier. I want to lose some freaking weight. But, how do I keep up with it when I get home? The eliptical is doing alright, but when I move too fast it freaks out. And, I shouldn't do it at 5 am because that isn't cool for the downstairs neighbor. I ran, though, today on the treadmill. Not for long and not balanced, but I did run. And not give up the machine when there was a line. I'm literally bigger than they are darnit. I think I need it more.
My friend Matt is coming in today. Actually I think it is more blowing through town. Either way I'll take him to dinner and then wave as he leaves me. Cause I'm cool like that. And I'll be alone in Indy again.
There is no clear path. There is no sign saying to walk this way. And forget about the yellow brick road. I don't know what to do to make me happy and I don't know if I'll ever know. Is it a partner? Is it a closer friend?
I'm depressing myself. Matt is almost here. We'll grab a bite and then he can get to St Lou.

I want to be an Air Force Ranger

Have I mentioned life is weird? Another week, another attempt at being a grown up and doing the right thing and failing miserably.
First: work hasn't been awful, right up until yesterday. There is a lot of paperwork and pulse checking with employees and making sure they are doing their damn job. Big dog meeting in St. Lou on Tuesday. Walking with managers in between and then the guy who is my boss before this temporary promotion calls me Friday to hand me my ass on something I didn't do a couple of months ago. I wish I could say I thought fast on my feet and was witty and a bit derisive to him, but I swear I was just driving with my mouth hanging open. Then he has the balls to send snarky texts later.  I was so frustrated. I actually gave thought to leaving the company. Friends jumped in later and pulled my head out of my own ass.  All in all a 12 hour day feeling ticked off.
And then what should have been the best part of the night. I'm all snuggled in bed in the hotel and my old friend texts me. I saw it coming. I wanted it to happen, I've missed him and like talking to him. We had great conversations about nothing and the past and the present. And then it got blue and then he called. We were on the phone again for 3 hours. Talking about nothing and everything and fantasies. And after we had gotten each other off, we start talking about his life and what's become of it. Whether or not he's happy. How much he loves his wife... well. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure he used those words. But he did mention that he is lucky to have her and that they are together and that they will be together forever. And he said if he thought I was going to go all Glenn Close and cook the rabbit he'd behave more.
Let me be clear, while I love him and always have, I'm not in love with him and can never picture us together. Having said that, we are the flip side of each other. We have this equal parts juvenile relationship, where all we do is insult each other, as well as comfort and prop each other up, stroke each other's egos and give advice. We were talking about my woeful lack of a love life, when he starts in about how good looking he is. Cause there is no ego on my boy. He said that guys are interested in me, I'm just not looking. And that my weight doesn't matter because I'm beautiful. And then says he knows this because he is good looking, even more good looking because he's been working out and has lost weight.
I sat straight up in bed. I was stunned. Couldn't believe it. It's 2 in the morning and I'm losing my damn mind calling him a hypocrite and a liar. He really didn't want me all those years ago, couldn't have if he was always preoccupied with weight. How safe is it to play with the fat girl who lives hours away? He denied that was how he felt, but I feel as stupid now as I did however many years ago. The one person who was supposed to be safe. The one person who was supposed to have my back and not stab me in it. Do I deserve it? I want to be sad. I want to be disappointed. Instead I'm just resigned.
But, perhaps it is for the best. There has to be a reason the past keeps biting me in the ass. I'm just not sure what that is.

Stitches for said Ass

Just to clarify, we did have a great conversation. It's a rare thing to be able to talk with someone that you haven't talked to in years and it feel like no time has passed.

Past bites man in ass

The oddest thing happened last night, and I'm not entirely sure what I should do with it, if anything.
First, background.
I have a friend I've known for 23 years. He and I have gone back and forth between friendship and some weird mutal sexual gratification, although always on the phone, never together.  We've shared lots of things, and talked all the time. This was, however, about 15 years ago. The way I remember the conversation, I wanted to take it further and he spazzed, for lack of a better term. I was under the impression he was grossed out or upset because I wasn't (and still am not) the body type he really wants.  He left and we didn't speak for about 8 years. We reconnected on facebook (as all people do eventually) and would message each other back and forth, but it was all fairly superficial. And, I should mention, he's married to someone who looks to be awesome.
Last night he was messaging me on fb, and suddenly gave me his phone number. We ended up talking for 5 hours. It was late, we ended talking about 3 am. We talked about everything. We talked about our friendship from earlier, we talked about why he walked away, we talked about his life now and we had an explicit conversation.
He said he hadn't talked to me because his wife was threatened by my relationship with him. Which didn't and actually still doesn't make sense to me. His wife is awesome. She's gorgeous, fit, successful and the best thing that has ever happened to him. And then he dropped the second bomb of the evening. He said that he didn't go through with any actions with me because he believed he would be punished by God. Oh, and he still thinks of me all the time.
Now, I've heard several reasons for people not wanting to sleep with me, but that is a new one. Surely there is no deity would prevent me from getting a piece?
The concept, however, that he believed and still believes that I'm beautiful flattened me. When he walked away from me I took it hard. I believed I wouldn't be loved because I'm way curvier than I'm supposed to be. I'm not housebound by any means, but I'm not fit either. It's become a self fulfilling prophecy. I've not found love, I've not trusted anyone with my feelings because I didn't want to be hurt again. I've not taken a chance on anything that would be realistic. I'm as alone as I feared I would be. And now, he comes back and says, Oops? Should've told you I was tripping and it had nothing to do with you?
I thought after last night he would sober up (he wasn't totaled, but obviously drinking) and send me a message apologizing and then drop out of sight. But, instead I get a message saying he had a great conversation and that it was worth it. And insisting he wants to find me a good woman since I went ahead and told him I'm bi. (Which wasn't a surprise to him, or anyone I've told).
But is the damage done? Where do I file this tidbit of info?

Triple D has scarred me

Another productive type day for me.  Well, productivish. I went to visit a store and decided not to beat the people that annoyed me. I feel that was a step in the right direction.
I was back on the treadmill this morning. I am all shades of proud of myself for that. I'd give myself a cookie, but that would be crazy ironic.
There is something to be said, however, for playing solitare on a conference call. You can write down the important things and then continue to fight the good fight against that damn spider.

Jumping the shark

Wow, I guess 5 years is a long time to lay off a blog, but I need to clear my head from all the extra in there.
A few updates... I'm currently in Indianapolis with a temporary promotion. I flew up here last week from Dallas, where I had moved last year. No friends in Dallas, absolutely no relationships in forever.  I've gained and lost and regained the weight of a small 4th grader more times than I can count. My skin seems to think I'm going through puberty, no matter how many times I let it know that I'm not.
So a quick brag about today. I've was on the treadmill and walked 1.83 miles today. I usually don't walk that far. I'm so impressed with myself. My legs are killing me, but darnit, I'm proud of myself.
so, anyway, I'm in Indy, for a temporary promotion. It's a great opportunity for me to really prove myself. Now, all I have to do, is do well.

Ok, more updateage... I work for a different company now. I work for an arts and crafts company. It's been a good transition. I've had several good bosses, and have learned a lot. I have to admit that I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants. I'm trying to make sure that I'm doing well, but I'm doing it differently from the person I was 5 years ago.
I feel old. I'm not sure why. I stopped in Louisville yesterday to see old friends, but after a few hours I was ready to go. I'm not sure why I feel like a different person, but I feel older. I feel that what was acceptable for me a year ago, isn't the same thing today. I know I disappointed my friends, but I was more than ready to go back to the hotel. It was a 2 hour drive, but I wanted to get going. I feel like an ass for leaving, but ... I'm not sure how to explain it. I think I'm going through a transition. I'm changing, becoming more mature I think. What a scary thing to do.