Watching Life Through My Fingers

I'm supposed to be packing. I have to be out of the hotel in a couple of hours and my flight doesn't leave for 8.  I'm flying home for less than 18 hours. Enough time to shell out $120 in taxi fare, do laundry, pick up cat food and sleep. It isn't a bad thing, but oh, the crap I have to pack to take back. I'm going to have to do some serious evaluating of what I'm bringing back up here. The jean skirt I probably don't need, I'll cut back on the shoes by at least one pair, and if I sew up my work pants I can bring them back, otherwise those stay in Texas too.

Drove down to Louisville yesterday and caught a movie with Nic. Last night was actually a pretty nice night. We went to the movie (World's End, it was ok), and then we went to the bar for a beer after. We joked like we always have and in general had a pretty good night. We have a good friendship, if a bit odd. We don't always talk, but when we can hang out, we're good to just chill. I'm going back to get my hair cut and he and I will catch a movie next weekend as well.

Of course, I'm driving back and realize it's a friday night and I haven't talked to Shawshank. I felt a bit bad about that. Not bad, just sad. I know, wait. No, I don't know. I believe he touched base because he could, but it wasn't easy so he flaked again. But I could be wrong. Plus, I have to remember he doesn't really belong to me. How does that work? How can you be friends with someone who is married? Especially if they are the opposite sex? We can't go all in. I can't rely on him to take care of all my emotional needs cause he isn't mine. I guess I never figured that out. I don't want to be the crazy person, but I miss having someone I can just pick up the phone and talk to without worrying that I'm intruding on something or overstepping my bounds.
 I'm sure there is a manual, but I'm 40 and I should have this shit down by now.

More Than I Can Chew

So, I realize that my full name is out now with this blog. And Google+ is not making it easy for me to pull that off. Not sure how I feel about that.

I've had this in my head all day. I love Beth Hart's voice.

No exercise for me tomorrow. I have to be in a store at 3. I should be asleep already.

In other news, I think I figured out how to edit my name. Which makes me feel better. I wouldn't want Shawshank to stumble across this. Well, it wouldn't kill him, but the point isn't to make him feel guilty. Or to make anyone feel guilty. This is one of the few places I know how to be completely honest, with myself at the very least.

I haven't heard from Shawshank since I turned off Messenger. I'm hanging with Nic tomorrow so I don't know if I'll hear from him or not. Either way, I'm good. If I can just pick up a bottle of the Apple Wine from Huber's on my way down or my way up I'll be good to go.

Sweaty Socks

Working out has never been anything I really enjoy. There is all that sweat and heart pounding and slight discomfort from those muscles I don't use. Even during sex, I hate that sweaty feeling, it makes me feel like I'm crazy out of shape, which I am. But I have to admit that sitting on a chair after my workout and feeling the sweat drip off my chin into my bra, makes me feel like I accomplished something. I'm not really sure that I have. But, damnit, I'm trying. Which should mean something. And should make this ugly pouch of a stomach go away.

I'm trying to get used to a length of time before I push myself to the next one. Right now it's 37 minutes. And I get 2 miles in that time. I also played with the weights for a bit this morning after I worked out. But I don't have a routine there and I'm hesitant to do something stupid. I don't think I'm going to be able to work out tomorrow morning, but I should be able to get something in on Saturday before I have to checkout and then come back to the hotel. It's oddly funny that I need to check in to my flight for Sunday back here to Indy before I've even gotten on the plane to leave.

Oh well, into the shower I go.

Limping To The Oldies

Today was another long day on the road, although I'd like to think I'm starting to get the hang of this job. I could be completely wrong. I'm going to talk with my mentor tomorrow night. That should be interesting, especially since my mentor is at the same level as my boss. I'm not sure my boss actually cares what is going on with me though so I don't think I'll be violating any rules. I sent her an email earlier this morning just updating her on how I'm doing. She helped me think through the process and listened to my ramblings.
I didn't fare as well exercising this morning. I only walked for a mile. I feel a little pansy like for not going longer, but my calf was bothering me again. I'm crazy full of energy this evening though. I'm all bouncy and wiggly. There is no real reason for me to feel this way. I haven't eaten all that much this evening. Maybe that's why. I'm not as loaded down.
I'm running out of music to listen to. I know, I know. It isn't actually possible to run out of music, but my favorite bands haven't put out anything that I'm dying to hear and apparently the Genius button doesn't appear on the iPad (ironic) for itunes. So I'm listening to the same things over and over. They aren't bad songs, but I guess I don't listen to my own music for such long periods of time usually.
Long day tomorrow, and I have to go to bed early so I can watch another store do their truck. The little joys in life.

I'm in a Scissor Sisters type of mood tonight. I've been streaming their albums on IheartRadio's website. I've also decided I need to start boxing. I don't believe the hotel will allow me to randomly do that in their workout room, but I'll have to figure out what I'm going to do to get more of an upper body workout. I can tighten my belt more than I have been able to before. Which is awesome, but I still don't look different. It's the little things I suppose.
I found out I will be in Indy for another month. Which is good because I'll still be going down to the little gym downstairs. I'll be missing my kittens tho. I feel like an ass for staying longer, but there is no other way we can do this. I'll have to contact the guy watching them and let him know I'll be up here longer. Another $600 to write out. It isn't the money, just living in a hotel. At least I know what is going on with my life. For another month at least.

Fishing for Reasoning

So the bartender texted me a couple of times last night. Checking in on me I suppose. It was odd. How was your day? How was your evening? Etc. After I answered the questions I went to bed. He called me later that evening, around 11, and woke me right the hell up. I had that heart pounding thing going for me trying to figure out who the heck was calling me. I asked what he was doing but he said he had the wrong number.
So, like a dumbass, i texted him this morning to ask what it was all about. He never responded, but said he learned his lesson cause I sounded mad. I'm like, you called me at 11. I was asleep. What part of me being up since 1 a.m. did you forget? I haven't heard from him since. And I'm not upset that I haven't heard from him. Now I remember why I don't date. It's so much flipping effort to just try and keep up with all the crap that other person brings. I wanted easy. I wanted a one night stand. I'm not crazy upset I didn't get it, just frustrated I had to deal with all the other crap.

I still haven't turned on messenger. I'm going to keep it off for a while. I'm also trying to keep posting on fb to a minimum, but that one may be more difficult than I realize.

I'm supposed to go down to Louisville on Friday and catch a movie with Nic. Not sure how I'm going to do that yet, but I'm sure I'll come up with something. I hope I come up with something.

Bloody keyboards

No call. No text.
I'm kinda relieved. Don't get me wrong. I want to lose myself in passion, but (my dirty little secret) I want to feel something for the person I'm losing my shirt over. I'm sure my old friend (who if I'm going to keep referencing I really need to create a name for) will be disappointed in me. He's really hip for me to get laid. I kinda wonder if he isn't planning on living vicariously through me. Hell, if I could live vicariously I probably would too.

I should hit the hay. Getting up at 1 am to be at a store at 3 kinda hurt today. Granted, I didn't get a ton done, and did get a small nap in, but nevertheless, I could use the sleep. Especially if I'm going to start exercising again tomorrow morning. I really want to see some weight loss, but I guess I just have to keep waiting.

My old friend will now be called Shawshank, because when I think about him now, all I can hear in my head is Morgan Freeman saying, "I just miss my friend." Which is ironic cause I talk to him all the time. I have to stop that. He had whatever odd reason to get back in touch with me, but it wasn't to connect all the time. He has a life without me. I need to let him go, or at least fade back into the woodwork where he was before. Maybe if I turned off Messenger...  Now how the hell do I do that again? Pull the app off my phone first would probably help.... Woot! Done. The temptation should lessen. One hopes.

I need to find more friends.

The Sepia Tones of Dreams

I am a sap. A pushover. Gullible even. Met a guy who served me drinks. Talked with him a bit, and he was nice enough. He asks for my number and my ego went through the roof. He wanted to have sex last week, but the timing on all fronts was wrong, but I text him on my way back into town yesterday and he sounds like he is game for it. But, apparently, wanting to get laid, and having a normal conversation are two totally different spectrums. Every other thing he texts is about how often I take care of business myself or how often he does it. What was I feeling yesterday (it was horny, I'll admit I was a little hot under the collar yesterday), what was I thinking about when I took care of it. Did I think of him....  blah blah blah. Yes, for several minutes I've been game to throw down with you, but holy crap. No, I'm not scared of your dick. I'm scared you can't use it correctly. No, I don't think you saying MMMMMM is going to turn me on, it tells me you can't form sentences.
So, now, I'm waiting for him to text me. Cause I'm tired tired tired of trying to have a conversation with him and him constantly swinging it back to sex. Yep, had trouble finding my shoes this morning. Doesn't me I was playing with myself in the meantime.
If he doesn't text me, I'm not texting him. I want to get laid, but at this point, I'm kinda turned off. Shhh. But, even if he does text me, I may not answer. There was a moment, but now it's gone. I think that may be the hazard of getting older.
Meanwhile, 4 days straight of not exercising. This cannot last. I definitely need to get my ass down to the work out room tomorrow morning before I start my tours.
My life is in the air right now with being in Indy. No clear exit strategy. No clear countdown on when  I might leave. I'm back next week, in fact I will get into Dallas at 6:30 p.m. and fly back out the next day at 1 p.m. Not even 24 hours.  Which sucks by the way.

My sister is getting ready to pop. My nephew, Fred, will join us soon, and my niece Turkey will be mightily displeased when she discovers someone else has moved into the sweet gig she has going.

Limping like Ceasar

I am totally celebrating my exercising today! I finally cleared 2 miles! And I was only on the machine as long as I normally am! I would've done a victory dance this morning, but there were witnesses in the weight room. I really think I'm going to have to join a gym when I get home.  I wanted to do weight type stuff when I was done, but I don't know enough about the machines to have done anything good.

Haven't heard back from the bartender. Which is kind of a shame and kind of not. I'm not going to screw with my career potential just to get laid. Although, to tell the truth and shame the devil, I completely miss getting laid. I lost a little interest, tho, when he sent me screenshot videos of the porn movie he was watching. I'm not kidding. I could be walking in a room of sheep and it would be the wolf wearing a disguise that would hit me up. That's not awful tho, I like a little kink.

Speaking of kink (it must've been you, I don't have conversations like that) I'm trying to maintain my distance with my old friend. I've missed him like crazy and want to share everything with him, but he's not mine. And I can't do that. It makes me sad to realize that. A little piece of me almost wishes he hadn't popped back up in my life. Something happens and I immediately want to share, and then realize I can't. It just means I need someone I can share that with so I don't feel the need to share with him, but ... until then I guess I share it here.

Work is wow. There is so much to this job. I can only hope I'm making a difference.  There are more than a few that I enjoy working with. There are a couple I could do without though. I'm still not sure how long I'll be here. I'll work on making the most of it though, while I'm here. I am getting a lot of experience and I'm grateful for it.

Holy crap I need to get ... I need to find my center. I need to find my core and my happiness. I need to find how to make me happy without anyone else.

And then scratch this itch cause it's making me feverish.

Give that girl a prize!

I'm all sorta proud of myself. Went out to dinner by myself, but talked to people! Flirted with the bartender!! He asked for my number! I'm not looking for the romance of the century here, but he asked for my number and I gave it to him.
Stayed up way too late last night tho texting with him after I had left the bar. Feeling sluggish this morning. Got on the treadmill, but not for as long and not with the same energy. Which also has to do with my time constraints this morning. I need to be at one store early and then another one later. Conference call to wrap the day and paperwork at night. It may be a good thing I don't have a social life. I have no idea when I would fit it in.

St. Lou this weekend tho. Family fish fry. Just family. Should be interesting.

Running to Catch My Rear

After a slow start to my day, I found I was supposed to work and had to throw my crap together. Never usually a huge deal, but I was annoyed.

I've been trying to figure out what I'm going to do about my longtime friend. I'm afraid the relationship has been damaged. I'm not sure if it's my fault, or his. He's admitted fault, so I feel a bit better, but I also wish I had never heard him say the phrase. Our friendship can never be what it was, and we were both naive to believe it could be, but hopefully it can be more than it was.  I'll be honest though, I'm not sure if it can. And that makes me sad.

Excuse the whine

So while I'm on here whining and divaing, I'm still not sure what I should be doing. And not just in general. What do I want to do with my life? I'm in Indy now, but this is just a temp promotion. It isn't supposed to last. It is one more checkmark in my favor that says, 'Why, yes, we think this chick can do this job.'
The question is will this job make me happy?
I'm also working out, almost daily. Trying to eat smaller portions. I haven't seen any weight loss yet, except for a little more room in my bra. I'm going to keep up with it. I have to. I hate the way I look. I hate my size. I want to be healthier. I want to lose some freaking weight. But, how do I keep up with it when I get home? The eliptical is doing alright, but when I move too fast it freaks out. And, I shouldn't do it at 5 am because that isn't cool for the downstairs neighbor. I ran, though, today on the treadmill. Not for long and not balanced, but I did run. And not give up the machine when there was a line. I'm literally bigger than they are darnit. I think I need it more.
My friend Matt is coming in today. Actually I think it is more blowing through town. Either way I'll take him to dinner and then wave as he leaves me. Cause I'm cool like that. And I'll be alone in Indy again.
There is no clear path. There is no sign saying to walk this way. And forget about the yellow brick road. I don't know what to do to make me happy and I don't know if I'll ever know. Is it a partner? Is it a closer friend?
I'm depressing myself. Matt is almost here. We'll grab a bite and then he can get to St Lou.

I want to be an Air Force Ranger

Have I mentioned life is weird? Another week, another attempt at being a grown up and doing the right thing and failing miserably.
First: work hasn't been awful, right up until yesterday. There is a lot of paperwork and pulse checking with employees and making sure they are doing their damn job. Big dog meeting in St. Lou on Tuesday. Walking with managers in between and then the guy who is my boss before this temporary promotion calls me Friday to hand me my ass on something I didn't do a couple of months ago. I wish I could say I thought fast on my feet and was witty and a bit derisive to him, but I swear I was just driving with my mouth hanging open. Then he has the balls to send snarky texts later.  I was so frustrated. I actually gave thought to leaving the company. Friends jumped in later and pulled my head out of my own ass.  All in all a 12 hour day feeling ticked off.
And then what should have been the best part of the night. I'm all snuggled in bed in the hotel and my old friend texts me. I saw it coming. I wanted it to happen, I've missed him and like talking to him. We had great conversations about nothing and the past and the present. And then it got blue and then he called. We were on the phone again for 3 hours. Talking about nothing and everything and fantasies. And after we had gotten each other off, we start talking about his life and what's become of it. Whether or not he's happy. How much he loves his wife... well. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure he used those words. But he did mention that he is lucky to have her and that they are together and that they will be together forever. And he said if he thought I was going to go all Glenn Close and cook the rabbit he'd behave more.
Let me be clear, while I love him and always have, I'm not in love with him and can never picture us together. Having said that, we are the flip side of each other. We have this equal parts juvenile relationship, where all we do is insult each other, as well as comfort and prop each other up, stroke each other's egos and give advice. We were talking about my woeful lack of a love life, when he starts in about how good looking he is. Cause there is no ego on my boy. He said that guys are interested in me, I'm just not looking. And that my weight doesn't matter because I'm beautiful. And then says he knows this because he is good looking, even more good looking because he's been working out and has lost weight.
I sat straight up in bed. I was stunned. Couldn't believe it. It's 2 in the morning and I'm losing my damn mind calling him a hypocrite and a liar. He really didn't want me all those years ago, couldn't have if he was always preoccupied with weight. How safe is it to play with the fat girl who lives hours away? He denied that was how he felt, but I feel as stupid now as I did however many years ago. The one person who was supposed to be safe. The one person who was supposed to have my back and not stab me in it. Do I deserve it? I want to be sad. I want to be disappointed. Instead I'm just resigned.
But, perhaps it is for the best. There has to be a reason the past keeps biting me in the ass. I'm just not sure what that is.

Stitches for said Ass

Just to clarify, we did have a great conversation. It's a rare thing to be able to talk with someone that you haven't talked to in years and it feel like no time has passed.

Past bites man in ass

The oddest thing happened last night, and I'm not entirely sure what I should do with it, if anything.
First, background.
I have a friend I've known for 23 years. He and I have gone back and forth between friendship and some weird mutal sexual gratification, although always on the phone, never together.  We've shared lots of things, and talked all the time. This was, however, about 15 years ago. The way I remember the conversation, I wanted to take it further and he spazzed, for lack of a better term. I was under the impression he was grossed out or upset because I wasn't (and still am not) the body type he really wants.  He left and we didn't speak for about 8 years. We reconnected on facebook (as all people do eventually) and would message each other back and forth, but it was all fairly superficial. And, I should mention, he's married to someone who looks to be awesome.
Last night he was messaging me on fb, and suddenly gave me his phone number. We ended up talking for 5 hours. It was late, we ended talking about 3 am. We talked about everything. We talked about our friendship from earlier, we talked about why he walked away, we talked about his life now and we had an explicit conversation.
He said he hadn't talked to me because his wife was threatened by my relationship with him. Which didn't and actually still doesn't make sense to me. His wife is awesome. She's gorgeous, fit, successful and the best thing that has ever happened to him. And then he dropped the second bomb of the evening. He said that he didn't go through with any actions with me because he believed he would be punished by God. Oh, and he still thinks of me all the time.
Now, I've heard several reasons for people not wanting to sleep with me, but that is a new one. Surely there is no deity would prevent me from getting a piece?
The concept, however, that he believed and still believes that I'm beautiful flattened me. When he walked away from me I took it hard. I believed I wouldn't be loved because I'm way curvier than I'm supposed to be. I'm not housebound by any means, but I'm not fit either. It's become a self fulfilling prophecy. I've not found love, I've not trusted anyone with my feelings because I didn't want to be hurt again. I've not taken a chance on anything that would be realistic. I'm as alone as I feared I would be. And now, he comes back and says, Oops? Should've told you I was tripping and it had nothing to do with you?
I thought after last night he would sober up (he wasn't totaled, but obviously drinking) and send me a message apologizing and then drop out of sight. But, instead I get a message saying he had a great conversation and that it was worth it. And insisting he wants to find me a good woman since I went ahead and told him I'm bi. (Which wasn't a surprise to him, or anyone I've told).
But is the damage done? Where do I file this tidbit of info?

Triple D has scarred me

Another productive type day for me.  Well, productivish. I went to visit a store and decided not to beat the people that annoyed me. I feel that was a step in the right direction.
I was back on the treadmill this morning. I am all shades of proud of myself for that. I'd give myself a cookie, but that would be crazy ironic.
There is something to be said, however, for playing solitare on a conference call. You can write down the important things and then continue to fight the good fight against that damn spider.

Jumping the shark

Wow, I guess 5 years is a long time to lay off a blog, but I need to clear my head from all the extra in there.
A few updates... I'm currently in Indianapolis with a temporary promotion. I flew up here last week from Dallas, where I had moved last year. No friends in Dallas, absolutely no relationships in forever.  I've gained and lost and regained the weight of a small 4th grader more times than I can count. My skin seems to think I'm going through puberty, no matter how many times I let it know that I'm not.
So a quick brag about today. I've was on the treadmill and walked 1.83 miles today. I usually don't walk that far. I'm so impressed with myself. My legs are killing me, but darnit, I'm proud of myself.
so, anyway, I'm in Indy, for a temporary promotion. It's a great opportunity for me to really prove myself. Now, all I have to do, is do well.

Ok, more updateage... I work for a different company now. I work for an arts and crafts company. It's been a good transition. I've had several good bosses, and have learned a lot. I have to admit that I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants. I'm trying to make sure that I'm doing well, but I'm doing it differently from the person I was 5 years ago.
I feel old. I'm not sure why. I stopped in Louisville yesterday to see old friends, but after a few hours I was ready to go. I'm not sure why I feel like a different person, but I feel older. I feel that what was acceptable for me a year ago, isn't the same thing today. I know I disappointed my friends, but I was more than ready to go back to the hotel. It was a 2 hour drive, but I wanted to get going. I feel like an ass for leaving, but ... I'm not sure how to explain it. I think I'm going through a transition. I'm changing, becoming more mature I think. What a scary thing to do.