I got a call on Friday. The DM from Kentucky has decided he needs me in Louisville. I'm going to have to pick up my stuff and move to Louisville in just a couple of weeks. I've cancelled my trip home to St. Louis this upcoming weekend because I need to clean and maybe pack a little and try and get my life in some sort of order. In fact, I've gotten up early this morning so I could start doing that stuff, and I honestly think I'm going to go lay down again. I'm a very tired girl. More on all this later.
Monday, June 28, 2004
Sunday, June 20, 2004
No trip in the offing
The DM called on Friday to let me down easy that I wouldn't be going to BG, KY. I was within the top two, he told me. I can't say that I'm really upset about the rejection. I'm not sure if I wanted that much pressure anyway, but I can't say how much pressure is really a good idea anymore. Even just thinking about it, doesn't really make me upset, I just feel empty. Is that a bad thing? to feel empty?I've tried filling it with parents, but that didn't do much; cooking, but I just felt like a small failure because my cookies aren't as good as my sister's; reading, although the new Evanovich book won't be out until Tuesday and I've read Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie so many times that I'm beginning to be able to memorize it. I probably should be quilting as I recently found my quilt that my mom made me start almost 10 years ago and I still haven't finished. I really should make Staisey her afghan, but I don't know if I have any more creative juice flowing in my blood. As it is, I keep breaking out so perhaps all I really have is negativity that has just built up for months. I should be praying, performing ritual at night, just as a basic to cleanse my self and my soul, but what can I offer Mother? What skills can I raise up to the Gods that they don't already have or even want? Eternal sarcasm? All consuming bitterness?
On a totally separate topic, I've determined that I really miss sex. Not just the fancy handholding, gazing into each other's eyes, romantic and slightly sweaty sex; but the slamming into walls, tossed onto your knees, taken by surprise, gruff and ruff, slightly over the top sex. I want someone to want me that much, but I also want to want them that much. I'm moving right along into the year mark for celibacy, and I'm so tired of it. i wish i knew what i was paying penance for. I wish I knew what I did and to whom so I could apologize.
Anyway, I'm making dinner tonight for my roommates. After the cookie fiasco, I feel like I should be making up for it in some manner.
I watched How to Boil Water last night and saw them prepare this dish. http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,1977,FOOD_9936_27568,00.html
I hope I can do it some justice, but I'm just not sure. I'll have to let you know how dinner was. The roommates are home, so I'll go ahead and sign off.
Wish me luck tonight....
On a totally separate topic, I've determined that I really miss sex. Not just the fancy handholding, gazing into each other's eyes, romantic and slightly sweaty sex; but the slamming into walls, tossed onto your knees, taken by surprise, gruff and ruff, slightly over the top sex. I want someone to want me that much, but I also want to want them that much. I'm moving right along into the year mark for celibacy, and I'm so tired of it. i wish i knew what i was paying penance for. I wish I knew what I did and to whom so I could apologize.
Anyway, I'm making dinner tonight for my roommates. After the cookie fiasco, I feel like I should be making up for it in some manner.
I watched How to Boil Water last night and saw them prepare this dish. http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,1977,FOOD_9936_27568,00.html
I hope I can do it some justice, but I'm just not sure. I'll have to let you know how dinner was. The roommates are home, so I'll go ahead and sign off.
Wish me luck tonight....
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Bad Karma
I just got off the phone with a good friend of mine, Staisey. I asked her to check in with Buddha about what I've done to deserve the life that I'm leading, because I'm sure I'm living this life as a repayment for some really nasty behavior in my previous lives. And while I'm not a Buddhist by any means, I fully believe that somewhere along the lines I've screwed up royally which is why I can't figure out how to get what I want or who I want. It seems so terribly cliched that I would really like to find my soul mate. Not just someone to romance me, not just someone to wine and dine me, not just someone to take me to bed to put a balm on my out of control libido, but someone who understands me. I feel like I'm missing a part of me, someone who is supposed to be there, but somehow got lost along the way. Or, perhaps they got impatient with waiting and found the most convienient person to hook up with. Or, even more depressing, perhaps I'm not supposed to have anyone this go around. There are more single women in the world than men, correct? Maybe what I'm supposed to learn is how to live without this person. My head knows logically that I could survive that, but my heart is breaking and I feel like I'm mourning. The only problem is that I'm mourning someone I don't believe I've ever met.
I'm tired of whining and knowing that I'm whining about my life. So I posted for the position in BG, Ky. Of course I called the DM to let him know I was around and interested and then he insisted on doing a full phone interview right there. I'm fairly certain I bombed the damn thing. I don't think he'll put me down there unless he doesn't have any other possibilities. I really don't want to be the person anyone has to settle for. Course I don't think that I can tell him that, but we'll have to see how the next few days go. I'm fairly certain I will have an answer probably by the end of the week. And even though I don't really think I'm going to get it, I still have butterflies jumping around in my stomach and stress sitting on my shoulders.
But as I come to a conclusion about all of this and trying to believe that this can't really be punishment for previous lifetimes, my cat has killed yet another baby bunny and I have to dig another tiny grave. If that isn't bad karma, I don't know what is.
I'm tired of whining and knowing that I'm whining about my life. So I posted for the position in BG, Ky. Of course I called the DM to let him know I was around and interested and then he insisted on doing a full phone interview right there. I'm fairly certain I bombed the damn thing. I don't think he'll put me down there unless he doesn't have any other possibilities. I really don't want to be the person anyone has to settle for. Course I don't think that I can tell him that, but we'll have to see how the next few days go. I'm fairly certain I will have an answer probably by the end of the week. And even though I don't really think I'm going to get it, I still have butterflies jumping around in my stomach and stress sitting on my shoulders.
But as I come to a conclusion about all of this and trying to believe that this can't really be punishment for previous lifetimes, my cat has killed yet another baby bunny and I have to dig another tiny grave. If that isn't bad karma, I don't know what is.
Sunday, June 13, 2004
Waiting for the script
After a long day at work, I got to see one of my favorite Shakespearean films, "Much Ado About Nothing". One of my favorite parts of the book is when John the Bastard is going off on Conrad about how sick he is of other people telling him what to do. Poor Keanu completely blows it, but no matter how overplayed he does it, he can't take away from the raw power of the words. "If I had my mouth I would bite." How often do we all feel that way, smiling at co-workers bad jokes, getting kicked in the teeth for things we haven't done wrong, being polite to customers even though you just want to smack them. For as much as I don't really like people, I find it amazing that I've been working in retail for over ten years. I simply don't believe that there is a job out there that will allow me to smoke, drink and read books. If there is though, it would probably burn out my favorite pasttime.
There is an opening for a manager in Bowling Green, KY. I believe I'm going to post for it tomorrow. The job feels right, but I wish I knew if I was supposed to be going there or not. I wish there was a book just entitled Carrie's Life, that would give the pointers for where I've been and where the hell I'm suppposed to be going. Sure there are people who think the point to life is the journey, the adventure in the everyday decisions that could change your life forever, but who the hell really wants that? Where is my script that tells me what to say, when to go the grocery store and where I'm supposed to be living my life? Where is the road map that doesn't just pinpoint where I've been, but lets me know which direction to take? The hell with taking the road less traveled, someone just give me a truck stop and an astrologist so I can figure out where to pick my life back up again.
Oh well. I'm tired so I'm rambling. I'll try and get back to you later on this week.
There is an opening for a manager in Bowling Green, KY. I believe I'm going to post for it tomorrow. The job feels right, but I wish I knew if I was supposed to be going there or not. I wish there was a book just entitled Carrie's Life, that would give the pointers for where I've been and where the hell I'm suppposed to be going. Sure there are people who think the point to life is the journey, the adventure in the everyday decisions that could change your life forever, but who the hell really wants that? Where is my script that tells me what to say, when to go the grocery store and where I'm supposed to be living my life? Where is the road map that doesn't just pinpoint where I've been, but lets me know which direction to take? The hell with taking the road less traveled, someone just give me a truck stop and an astrologist so I can figure out where to pick my life back up again.
Oh well. I'm tired so I'm rambling. I'll try and get back to you later on this week.
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Beginnings
Beginnings can be such a pain in the ass, so I've decided to forgo the standards and run with a stream of consciousness. If necessary, I'm sure I can always go back and add a beginning.
I've decided that work has been created to keep most people out of trouble. Almost everyone has a job to go to, even though some may not consider what they do on a daily basis a job. Today was my day off and still I had to drag myself out of bed, shower, throw some clothes on, shellack some make up to my face and wander into the building (which I lovingly refer to as "The Fourth Pit of Hell on the Left") for a conference call where a bunch of other people, who also had better things to do, made approving noises towards each other and we didn't get a damn thing done. I wasted a couple of hours, but what I'm really upset about was that I really didn't have anything better to do today. There really isn't much sadder than realizing that your life is mostly boring and even your fantasy life could use some punching up.
Is it wrong that I keep waiting for the fates to step in and say, "Gosh and golly gee, we didn't mean to condemn you to a life of stupid people and bureaucracy. You had this really cool life, but we gave it to this woman over here because she tipped more at the door. You got stuck with the generic plot line we usually use for people who can't handle any excitement. We really expected that you would make more of it, but you just kept disappointing us." Where is my really cool event that amazes my friends? Where is that soul mate that knows everything about me and talks to me anyway? Where is that incredible one night stand that makes me believe that my superpowers are being used for good? Hell, where is that mediocre one night stand that makes me believe most men can last longer than a half hour?
I've decided that work has been created to keep most people out of trouble. Almost everyone has a job to go to, even though some may not consider what they do on a daily basis a job. Today was my day off and still I had to drag myself out of bed, shower, throw some clothes on, shellack some make up to my face and wander into the building (which I lovingly refer to as "The Fourth Pit of Hell on the Left") for a conference call where a bunch of other people, who also had better things to do, made approving noises towards each other and we didn't get a damn thing done. I wasted a couple of hours, but what I'm really upset about was that I really didn't have anything better to do today. There really isn't much sadder than realizing that your life is mostly boring and even your fantasy life could use some punching up.
Is it wrong that I keep waiting for the fates to step in and say, "Gosh and golly gee, we didn't mean to condemn you to a life of stupid people and bureaucracy. You had this really cool life, but we gave it to this woman over here because she tipped more at the door. You got stuck with the generic plot line we usually use for people who can't handle any excitement. We really expected that you would make more of it, but you just kept disappointing us." Where is my really cool event that amazes my friends? Where is that soul mate that knows everything about me and talks to me anyway? Where is that incredible one night stand that makes me believe that my superpowers are being used for good? Hell, where is that mediocre one night stand that makes me believe most men can last longer than a half hour?
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