Dirty Bad - Take 2

What an odd night. Asked Shawshank about the Girl On A String theory and he didn't even remember the conversation. I'm not sure what he remembers from that evening.

Who's the dumbass?

This girl! <-------------

I still haven't decided who I'm disappointing, if anyone. Besides myself. Maybe it's the weather driving me to these gloomy introspections.

Girl On a String

It's been an interesting week. Lots of stuff going on. Not sure what to make of it.
First, I get a weird text from an old friend, essentially a bootie text, from 2 states away.  Then, I talk to Shawshank about the oddness of the text and he tells me, well, it is a way for a guy to keep a girl on a string, even though he may not be doing anything about it.
And then, because I'm a dumb shit and it took me 3 days to pick up on it, I realize that Shawshank himself is keeping me on a fucking string. I don't have just one guy that does it to me, I have two. Of course, Shawshank tells me a couple days later that he wants to set me up with someone he knows. Who lives well over 500 miles away, but hey, you need the attention. People make me tired. These people are supposed to be my friends.
Is this proof that the guys aren't really my friend? Am I stupid cause I didn't see it happening? Should I make it stop? Does that mean that I take everything they say with a grain of salt?

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I'll be back in Texas in 6 days. The countdown has begun. I'll hit Louisville this weekend, but then, it is back to Texas, back to my old job. Le sigh.

Patience is not my strong suit.

Careful What You Wish For

What an odd day. I had received information this morning about my doctor's appointments (which all turned out well), then found out I am leaving Indy next week for good. It is good and it is bad. I'm tired of all the traveling, but there is so much more I could do here.
I feel odd about it. I have no idea if I've done enough good to be promoted, I have no idea if the powers that be will forget my name, I just have no idea. I haven't eaten anything all day, then gorged on soup and salad and chips. And Raisinets. I've been very very bad. I'm not sure what is going to happen. This week will be so weird. I will be transitioning the boss with the rest of the crew. And then it will get more odd because I only have so long to check with other stores before I turn the who thing over to him.

Well, at least I'm not drinking through it tonight.

Dirty Bad

What is it about doing something you know you aren't supposed to do? What is it that makes it thrilling?  And yet, at some point, you have to be able to say, this is the way this is going, how do I feel about that. If it doesn't bother you, does it make it a bad thing or do you become a sociopath?

Well, I'm not a sociopath, but I thoroughly enjoyed my delicious bad things I did last night. Nothing I did is illegal in any state, but I try to be the good one.
Sometimes, it is more fun to just run with being the bad one.  Sometimes it is the wicked things we want to do with other people that makes life worth living. And sharing what we want to do makes life more freeing. And feeling scandalous.

You also reap what you sow, right? Bad things are going to come my way. I'll just have to ride it out.

Couch Living

My Dr insisted I get a mammogram today. Apparently anytime you visit the dr in October you must wear the pink and get your boobs checked out. More guaranteed action than a date, but I haven't gotten the bill yet to see if it was worth it.
Also, received the requiste flu shot, bloodwork, urinated into a cup (which is not easy for a girl to do), and then had my girls squeezed.
Got a bootie text last night. Which was ironic, being that he is in another state, engaged and was apparently enjoying some male friend on male friend action. When did I turn in to the den mother? Why send me the pics of our friend going down on you? Why tell me I've always been the one you've loved?  That I'll be the one you regret losing? You don't keep me in the loop of your life, you don't tell me even when the fucking wedding is, but you feel the need to tell me you'll always love me?  WTF?

I'm only back home for a couple more days. Then back to Indy where I have to get back on the treadmill and bike. I have to get into a habit of losing weight. I have to try and start enjoying it. No, I don't know how I'm going to do that either, but I need to try. Still don't know what's going to happen in a couple of weeks. I may stay, I may go back to my old job. Just have to play it by ear and call on all the patience I don't own to be nice. If I come home, at least I'll be around familiar like surroundings. But I'll still be in Texas. Which sucks.

Boarding The Bus to Monotony

I'm back in Indy. Spent the weekend in St Lou with the family. Spent lots of time with my niece. Finally, I got to be the fun Aunt. I spun her around and hung her upside down, and generally made her extremely dizzy. She loved every minute of it. My back hurts.

Left late to come back tho. Was supposed to be back early enough to work and totally did not do that at all. I'm a bad bad boss.  I'll start up again tomorrow. After I get my phone. I cannot wait until I get my phone.  I completely detest the Windows Phone I was given. Granted it was a loaner so it was already a piece of crap, but ugh. That experience has taught me to never venture a toe off the Apple tree. Until Apple ticks me off again. Which it might do with this refurb phone. Who knows.

Waiting for a Nap

It's been a long day of touring stores and riding in a car with my boss. It hasn't been horrible, but it has been a long day.

No exercise today. I'm a bum, but I really should be taking a nap. Or just sleeping period.

Going to see my cousin on Thursday night. Drop off a bottle of wine and get some dinner I'm sure.

Withdrawals.

The iPhone has gone down. They've given me some sort of windows loaner thing. That's the last time I buy an extended warranty with Best Buy. The windows phone won't power back up. I find I'm annoyed. No email, no texting, no solitare. I'm going into convulsions.

Talking Back to the Shin Splints

Went and exercised again. I'm not super excited about doing it. I'm not seeing the results as quickly as I would like. I'm sure it is good for me, but I can't see it. I look in the mirror in the gym and see my body and I'm disgusted by what I see. I'm fairly certain that isn't how it should be, but ... And at the same time I'd love to have a plate of nachos.

My boss comes in tomorrow. This should be interesting. 3 more days with a boss or counterpart next to me. More judging. More scrutinizing. Gosh, I can't wait. I'm not even sure what this guy looks like, so it will be interesting to see if I can pick him out of a crowd.

Then I will be left to my own devices for another week. I had to drag my butt out of bed this morning to get to work. I'm sure the rest of the week will be just as exciting. I drop him off at the airport on Thursday around 10:30ish. From there I will hightail it to Springfield so I can give my cousin her bottle of wine and then go walk stores in Peoria and Springfield. I don't really need to go to Springfield, but since I will be in the neighborhood....  That way I can just drive straight to St. Lou from Springfield and I won't get in too late.

My stomach is growling. I'm going to get drive thru cause I'm all sweaty, but I'm telling you, nachos sound wicked awesome.

Road Tripping Down the Yellow Brick Road

Went down to Louisville yesterday. Saw Nic, went to Huber Winery and picked up 8 bottles of the apple wine I miss so much. Of course I had to test a bottle last night when I got back to the hotel. It was good.

For My Friends is an excellent song, and that version is live, but it is what I've been listening to the last couple of days. That and Fall Out Boy. Two different ends of the spectrum, but it is what is motivating me right now.

Sorry for the interruption, but I suddenly had to go work out. At least I did work out. I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping and when the alarm goes off at 5, I'm not even hitting snooze, I'm just turning off the alarm. Luckily, or because I know myself, I've already got another alarm scheduled for 6 and 7. That doesn't make it better, I didn't get out of bed until 8:30 this morning, but at least I got out of bed. I'm having some trouble self motivating at this point. I should've gone to see some stores, but it is 1:15 and all I've done is eat a bagel and work out. Well, I showered. That's a plus.

I'm lonely. So is half the population, I know, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I couldn't sleep last night because I felt so isolated. After spending a good portion of my day with Nic and his family. Maybe it is because it is raining, but I don't think so. Maybe it is because I'm still in Indy, but I'd be just as alone in Texas. Something has to change, but I'll be damned if I know how to change it. I need to move forward, but I keep running to my past as a touchstone. I wasn't any happier. I wasn't any better then, but I keep going back.

I keep thinking about the schnook I bought dinner for. Did he actually pay it forward? Did he think about it again or did he just relay to his friends how silly he felt, and perhaps relief that I didn't expect him to put out for dinner?

This week is going to be an odd one. My boss is coming in town to train me how to use the systems, which means I'm going to have to get all the passwords right and be able to get into the systems. We are also going to have to walk some stores. I held the hands of the couple of the store managers, but I have no idea what to expect when we hit the stores.

I'm so tired of where I'm at right now. I wonder if I'll miss it when I go.

I've broken off communication with Shawshank for now. He doesn't need me. He has found a peace, the therapy is working and he feels happy in his relationship.  I can't relate because I'm not in a relationship, but I also don't feel like he actually gives a shit about what is going on with me. I don't know what to tell him. Do I tell him the loneliness feels crippling? Do I tell him that I'm constantly unsure about what I'm doing in my life? That I'm beginning to believe I will never find a soulmate oreven someone  to share my life with on a regular basis? What is he going to be able to do to fix it? Nothing. He has a life. He has friends, and responsibilities. I just don't happen to be one of them.  

Climbing Back Up The Charley Horse

Worked out tonight. It felt good. My legs burned, I sweat a lot and felt like I got something done. And then I came upstairs and grabbed a salad. And a brownie. The brownie was delicious.

My boss will be coming in next week. There are lots of things we need to do. I have to learn a lot and try not to make an ass out of myself. These are bold things.

Blues are playing tonight. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to see the game, but I can seem to catch it on FSN. Yay me!!

Boredom abounds

I've been in this town for a couple of months. I'm now bored. Not that I've been doing anything that is interesting besides work, but still. Just tired of coming back to the hotel. I'm not sure that I would be doing anything more interesting at home in Dallas though.

I haven't exercised for over a week. It feels like longer, but I know it isn't. I need to make sure I get my ass up tomorrow morning and walk a lot. And a whole lot. I like these jeans fitting so loose on me. I like the fact that I can pull on the belt when I'm sitting in the airplane. I really need to continue to work out, to continue to feel good about myself.

So I went out to dinner tonight. The guy sitting next to me at the bar left his debit card at work and had no way to pay. So I offered to pay for his meal. At first he was offended, then he balked and then he caved. I didn't do it to take his masculinity, I did it cause I could help. He asked for my card, which I don't have, shook my hand and left.  We made small talk, but we didn't talk about anything interesting. I'm sure I wasn't the one he was looking for because he told me he was terrible with names, but he could remember the cute bartenders name.

Oh well. At least I did my good thing.

I finally got my work laptop up and running. Woo! At least now I can do some of the other things that I'm supposed to be doing instead of pretending to do it at a store. We'll see how well it works. My boss comes in next week and hopefully will be able to get me set up on some of the things I'm supposed to do.

Maybe I'm lonely. Maybe the problem is that I'm constantly by myself. I'm going to see Nic this weekend. I'll see my sisters next weekend. Maybe that will make me feel better.