The odd things that make your heart flop

There has got to be something wrong with me. "You've Got Mail," which isn't a great movie, has a couple of excellent moments in it. Enough to make a single girl yearn for things she can't find. That scene in her bedroom when she's sick and he puts his fingers over her mouth to allow him to finish speaking. That always makes my heart melt a little.
Or the scene on the sidewalk when he is pouring her heart out to her. Who wouldn't want someone who wants to be with you?
Not the last scene though. Dumb way to end the movie.

An odd thing happened yesterday though. Another one of the managers came by to chat and we were talking about my self image. (Long story from vacation and Stais was mad at me, but we won't go into that here). The odd thing was that he decided to inform me that he is interested in me. Attracted was the word he used. And then said, "You know that, right?" How the hell would I know that? What does it matter anyway, as he is engaged to be married and is living with same girl? I swear I don't understand men.

I'm looking at houses now. I was talking with my sister about switching around stock and what it would take to slip money out of my 401k so I can put a down payment on a house. Of course, after I get off the phone with her, I go online and purchase books and then kick over to the Itunes and spend about $50 on songs.

I've been considering going on Match.com to find someone. It might, at least, get my ass out of the house.

At least I don't feel like I'm floundering anymore. I took the trip I was supposed to take. It does make me wonder though. I've always believed that there are certain things, lessons if you will, that you are supposed to learn. After this trip to Ireland, I was hoping for that "Aha!" moment. That zen when you know you've done something you've been waiting your whole life for, and all I felt was ...blah. No satisfaction, just the knowledge that I was supposed to do this, that I was ticking an item off my to do list. (Which means that I have to find someone with a Harley and con him into letting me ride on the back. I may have to give him a ride on my back, but, hey, I'm willing to sacrifice a few things.) The thing is, I don't feel like I'm driving anymore. What happens will happen if I'm an active participant or not. I was supposed to be in Ireland, so I was. It was the right step. What if I hadn't decided to go, would I have won a trip? Would my life be different? Better or worse? Does it matter? My life will unfold if I am active in the decision making process or not. Well, not if I'm active, but I don't see any sense of urgency. Nothing to worry about. If I died tomorrow, then that is what was supposed to happen. My own death used to make me sorry, made me cry, but I'm fine with it. I found a sense of peace in Ireland I didn't know existed for myself. Like I've been leveled out.

Kind of odd.

Of course, I have to continue to end with my favorite pics of Ireland. This is out of Kinsale. Actually, this is in front of the hotel, The Trident. Really cool place. We were right on the water and it was beautiful. On this day, we traveled to Killarney. That place was my favorite of the whole trip. That is where I want to be if I can just move there. But, this isn't Killarney. This place was beautiful too.

The evils of Technology

So, after Stais has shown me up numerable times on the whole technology end, I thought I would finally get into the game and get a DVD burner so I could make some movies and maybe burn some episodes of West Wing I can get off Itunes. Of course it took me an hour to figure out how to get the damn thing to work, then it still is having trouble with the fucking sound card. So, like an idiot I thought, "Well, let's just get some more DDR memory to make the damn thing fail just a little faster." The whole thing is just pissing me off.

I've also decided to buy a house. I know I've kicked the idea around forever, but now is the time. I cannot stand to live where I am any longer. I need a house. Can't afford it, but I have this need to get the hell out of this apartment complex. Of course, that means that I've decided that I'm staying in Southern Indiana. I have no friends here, outside of work. I have no family here. I have cats. And I've decided to stay. I kind of wonder if my moving up in the company isn't a pipe dream. Something the bosses will feed me to keep my ass motivated. But either way, it isn't for a few years yet and I cannot live in this place any longer, or in any other apartment. I need a backyard to let the kids hunt and so I can play with my garden and get some sun. I need a neighborhood that I can meet the neighbors and we can have polite meaningless conversations over the fence. I will be in debt for the rest of my life, but I need to take this step.

Ahh the responsibilities of grown ups.

Saw the folks this weekend. My sisters are plotting behind their backs to clean the house and buy them different pieces of hardware to spruce the house up. I'm a little worried about my mother as well. She is forgetting a lot more. Her doctor said it is either normal forgetfulness or the beginnings of dementia. What a happy fun thought. I don't know what to do. There is no hand guide for our parents after they get old enough. I asked her if there was a test she wanted to take, but she wants to wait until she gets some more work done on her book. Meanwhile, I just get to wait and worry.

I'll leave with my favorite picture from Ireland. I could get lost here. If I had seen an empty house around this place, I would have crawled in and hid so I would never have had to come back. I may still do it.

Bordering on Exhaustion

Sleep, as of late, has been eluding me. I can feel it hiding around the corner, laughing silently, while I toss and turn on my bed, begging for it to show up. Apparently I haven't been offering up enough cold cash for it to bless me with its presense.

I've been trying to clean up the house a little since I've been back. Actually, yesterday was an interesting day. To dodge the necessary cleaning, I ran to work to drop off a t-shirt I got for one of my assistants on the way out. He is switching stores (at my request) and is a little irritated with me about it. Oh well. Either way, I stopped at the local liquor store after to pick up Kilkenny, which they didn't have! Of all the rude things... so I picked up a six of Smithwicks and a six of Stella.

After I left there I was driving down the street minding my own when I saw a woman giving tarot readings. I pulled in and she threw my cards. Is it a good sign when you are sitting across from a professional and she is surprised by what I've pulled out? Every time a card was revealed, she just looked shocked or said, "Well." There was a slight pause as she tried to figure out what the hell was going on and then would launch into the definition. All in all, I had a pretty positive reading which was either her putting a positive spin on a totally disastrous pile of cards or I looked like someone who hasn't had a good day in months and wouldn't know what a good time in bed was if someone gave an active demonstration.

I started out with a strong woman card, which she was okay with, followed by a nine of swords which seems to mean that I'm almost over whatever it is that is holding me back. "Just get out there," she says. "Everyone has had a broken heart." She follows that up with a three of cups card, saying there will be some sort of celebration in my future, or a love triangle. Oooookay. We then move to the seasons. A strong woman (High Priestess) will give me an important project (One of Swords). I will work hard on it all summer (Nine of Pentacles). Finish the project in the fall, and face judgement for it during the winter (Judgement Card). She said I should just do what I know is right morally and ethically and I will do all right during the judgement. I will finish the project successfully (Ten of Pentacles) and receive a raise in status. She ended up with this card that had a sun on it. Just get out there and do it she says. Do things differently. The universe is trying to give me love, but I have to get out to find it.

Which really irritates me because that is all Stais said to me during the vacation. "You have to open minded to what is out there," she said over and over. I kept telling her my mind doesn't open that far, but apparently I'm wrong. Of course, my horoscope has also been telling me over and over that if I hear something repeated to me, take it for what it is. Listen even if I don't believe it and make it my own. Which also irritates me. I ended up, the last night I was in Ireland, hooking up a little with a driver from another tour. Durmot is funny as hell. But also he told me that I am beautiful. Of course, originally it was that I had a great sense of humour and a bubbly personality. And yes, I have a hell of a sense of humor and since the bubbly he was talking about in my personality is my chest, then I have to agree with him there as well. I am rather well endowed. Since he had said that at first, I gave him all sorts of grief, as no woman I've ever met wants to be known has having a great personality even if she does.

Later, however, as he was trying to convince me to remove my pants, he kept telling me how beautiful I was. I was, at that moment, a "sexy bitch". Hearing that from someone who is trying to convince to have a one night stand is one thing. It turns out, though, that one of the guys in the group also thought that I was pretty. He had a girl back home which is why he didn't say anything or do anything, but he made sure to tell Stais, "I know she doesn't think she's pretty and that she's too big, but tell her it isn't true."

So now I'm adopting that thought. In keeping with the "Get out and Live" thought process, on my way home from getting my fortune told, I decided to stop in a pub and have lunch with complete strangers. A totally open mind. Especially since I hate hanging out by myself to do anything. But there I was. In a pub. With complete rednecks all around me. Missing large sections of their teeth.

Well, I tried. Now I'm going to have to try another day. I'm not sure what the hell is taking so long for my destiny to kick into gear, but I'll keep trying, dammit!


By the way, this is the group that I hung out with all of last week. The only one missing is Danny who was too tired to come play with us that day. I did learn something from Danny, though. Every morning that I get up from now on, I'm going to tell myself that I am a pretty motherfucker! That positive reinforcement has got to start working sometime!

Detoxing from the tour

'Cause I am drunk today and I'm seldom sober
A handsome rover from town to town
Ah but i'm sick now my days are numbered
Come all you young men and lay me down
Carrickfergus

Got back last night from Ireland. What a wild time. I honestly wish I could have stayed. There was this spot by Skariff that I thought I saw a glimpse of my soul. I just sat on the rock above an incredible cove and cried because it was so beautiful. The only problem is that I can't stop crying. I have been crying at the oddest times. I wish I could just get it out and be done with it, but I can't seem to stop. In all honesty it feels like I've lost something precious and the memory of the loss sneaks up and pulls on my heart. i feel like a right idiot though, just sitting around my apartment crying and I have no idea what I'm crying about. It might be time for drugs. Now I just have to find someone to dole them out.

Of course, I was up almost 24 hours yesterday. The oddest thing that happened (well, there were two) was I was on the flight from Chicago back to Louisville, in mid conversation with a very nice guy on his way to Ft. Knox for training when I fell asleep. Out like a light for probably a half hour. I woke up on the final approach. I felt so bad, but I was exhausted. The second oddest thing that happened is the driver of the taxi I took home kept hitting on me. I was next to incoherent with sleep deprivation, and here is this guy asking all kinds of questions.

I'll write more later. I'm still tired and I have to go back to this dream where Jeremy Piven was telling me he didn't want to just use me for sex any longer. He wanted more. I've got to give the man what he wants!