Happy New Year

So ends this year, which doesn't make me sad.

I think my ex has been sneaking into the house when I'm away. I know she's been watching Man in the High Castle on my amazon account.

It's stupid shit, but I do have to give it to her. If she wanted to kill any affection I would have had for her, this is the way to do it. She broke my heart, and now she has to sneak into my home to watch tv? And do what else?  It's been eating me alive, but I'm trying to move past it.

Welcome 2017. Please don't suck worse than your predecessor.

Driving myself crazy

 checked my phone bill this morning. My ex is still showing. Call the phone company and they say she won't be on next month cause her phone has been cancelled. And suddenly I want to know what's going on in her life and feel stupid cause I want to ask the phone company hick and it's my like she's going to know anything. And now I can't stop my mind from running through scenarios or trying to figure out what is going on in her life. Nope this why she didn't respond to my text a month ago. Does it flipping matter? Holy hell. When am I going to get her out of my system? When am I going to stop worrying and wondering and having to listen to special music to stop my mind from racing? I get that it has only been 2 months since she dropped me and I get that it takes time, but it feels like I've been stuck here forever.
Spinning my wheels.

Lazy Sunday

It's a crazy lazy sunday. Slept in forever. It was incredibly nice, but I feel like a slouch. So, I signed up for a new apartment, have been bingeing Shadowhunters this morning and have been playing a little bit on Pogo. I really, really need to get my ass on the elliptical, but you know, laziness.

And, I kind of want to get my ass back in bed.

Trying new things

so, last night I went out on a Meetup thing. Not even sure what to call it. It wasn't terrible, but ... that's a lie. It was awful. Super awkward. The only good thing I took away from it is a new group to Jon. For running. And the the fact that one of the people I was talking to does half marathons. And she runs/walks them. And she isn't nearly as fit as I keep envisioning myself. And there was an article on fb last night, (fb? Maybe USA pray.) but it said that if you don't have the right idea while trying to get fit, you won't. Apparently you have to be in the right frame of mind to get, getting fit won't help your mind. This may be harder than I thought.

The Christmas songs make me want to put my head in the sand

All of these Christmas songs are depressing me. I guess it's a bad day

Short hair, don't care

I've been crazy busy today. On my day off. Which is annoying. But I've gotten a lot accomplished. One of those many things is getting my hair chopped off. Like almost shaved off the back end. I've given pixie a new meaning. Well, for me. Now I have to figure out how to artfully tousle it.

Got new running shoes. That way I can continue to train better for the 5K that I'm slowly convincing myself I'm training for. And then made two batches of cookies.  Very, very busy. I miss sleeping in. Oh my goodness I miss sleeping so much.

In other news, I feel free. It's been a weird week. My ex can't seem to figure out how to get her mail transferred. It isn't that hard, I've done it several times. However, her shit keeps coming here. So I messaged her and let her know and she came and got it. But we just had odd messages back and forth. She's blocked my phone number and thinks I'm too stupid to notice so I'm done. So today, more mail came and I wrote on it that it was a wrong address. I'm not going to contact her anymore. I'm tired of reaching my hand out and having it smacked back. It wasn't worth it.

So, it's time for me to move on. It's time for me to make changes and be strong and move the hell on. I'm free. I deserve better and it makes me feel better to know that she is having shitastic luck the last few weeks. It shouldn't make me feel better. I feel like it makes me a bad person. Either way, it makes me feel a little better.

Fighting with my calendars

Trying to be a family once and then realizing that it doesn't work, means you have to put your life back to rights. And all your stuff. It has been a slow pain in the keister to put my life back to rights. We had a family plan on the phone, shared our calendars, shared our locations, etc. It was good, helpful and got us closer together. Of course, now I have to put my life back to right and we separated all that. Except, I can still see all her crap. So I try to get rid of our shared calendar, but icloud won't let me. Then have to go back through to figure out that all her devices are still connected to my account. So I kick all of that off, her computer, her iphone, etc; only to realize her shit is still showing up on my calendar. Of course, the simplest is the best, so I cancelled family sharing, but I'm still annoyed. How many more times am I going to have to be reminded? How many more little things? I mean her fucking mail still comes here.   So I dutifully put it in a box and wait. Maybe she'll come back for it. Maybe she won't. 10 to 1 says I never hear from her again.

In other non sad news, I'm going to try and work out more.  Actually ran on the elliptical today. Not a lot, but I did it. Hair cut on in a few days. Hoping it will turn out awesome.

Holy crap I want to get past all this. I'm tired of dreaming of her. Well, not tired of dreaming of her. But still missing her and it makes it worse. Actually. You know? I am tired of dreaming of her. It fucks with my sleep.

Letting the little things nip at my heels.

I'm allowing stupid shit from my ex bug me. Not sure why I'm allowing it to get under my skin. Although, bright side, it isn't devastating me like it would've weeks ago. So I guess that's a win.

So, I decided to be some sort of grown up and unfriend her.  Ok.  I know that isn't truly being a grown up, but its the best I've got for now.  Part of me was relieved. I think the kicker was when I saw she had reactivated an old account. So she feels she needs to hide from one group or another. Goodness knows it is hard to live as an out lesbian, but at some point you have to let all of your business out and let the chips fall where they may. I was shocked at first. Why go to the trouble? What could she be hiding? But, in the end, it doesn't really matter, does it? She doesn't get in touch with me. Why should I worry about what she is hiding? She's made it plain that I'm no longer a part of her world. So, I unfriended her, her family and her friends. I have no doubt that she is still friends with some of my family, but since I had rarely posted, I'm sure it will take a while for her to notice. I want her to be happy, but I want me to be happy more. It seems selfish to hear that thought cross my brain, but it is true.

In other news, dad is taking walks around the hospital, but probably won't be out until next week. My sisters are sniping at each other over my mom and her bullshit and I'm just in my corner with my ears plugged and humming out loud. Oh, and we are all sick.

But, thanksgiving has come and gone. I survived. I'm looking at a new haircut. Full pixie. And I'm going to have to reup my electric and water bills at the old house while I wait for a tenant. Not looking forward to that. And I keep flipping forgetting.

I want to be happy - more. And I deserve to be happy. My world isn't over just because my relationship didn't work out. And, it isn't my fault.

I'm still dreaming about her at night though. It takes 6 months to break a habit? I guess I'll sleep better in the spring.

Bypassing my heart levels

My dad is going to have triple bypass surgery tomorrow.

We've been living with this knowledge for a couple of days now. It makes it no less stressful to have this knowledge. He's been talking about living life to the fullest, joking about no regrets in case someone has a whoops when he has the surgery. I cannot deal. I am having trouble working my head around the fact that someone is cracking his chest in the afternoon.

Ironically, this is taking my mind off the fact that my love life is shit, but it still sucks. I alternate between being incredibly frustrated and morose about life taking its turns, to being incredibly frustrated and depressed about the fact that my life is not going my way. Like I wake up in the morning, but even then I'm having trouble getting out of bed. I haven't exercised in a few days, I'm eating like crap (why don't I have any ice cream in this joint?) and I don't sleep very well. On the brighter side, my cats are being sweet and hogging the bed.

I'm just a little lost. I don't know how to find myself. I can figure out how to get up and go to work. But there isn't anything more I know how to do. There is a fine line between existing and living. I'm not sure how I'm going to flip over to the living piece. But I cannot stand any more losses. I'm brittle. I may not survive.

I'm over Fall too

So dad went into for a routine checkup yesterday and is now in the hospital. Apparently he has 3 blocked arteries and has to have surgery. And, because we are stupid I can't tell anyone yet because the family wants to have all the info in hand before they say anything. Meanwhile, my mom and I are sniping at each other because I ask questions and she thinks I think they are hiding stuff from me. Which they've done before, but I'm a jackass for thinking it now.

We are born screaming and we die silently. Little by little.   Every day small things that eat at your soul and sanity and patience. I cannot shelter my heart any more than I already have. I cannot take another loss this year and I have no desire to just settle. Fuck her for leaving me alone to deal. Part of me wants to be the grown up and let her go and hope that she finds her happiness. Part of me wants to rip her ass out of the closet she is closing herself back up into and slap her. Part of me wants to go back in time and prevent the relationship from ever starting. But I can't do any of those things. So I'm stuck. I want to move forward because there is nothing left for me in the past, but I'm stuck. I'm stuck in the mud I made with my tears and I can't find a way out.

Heard this and almost started crying during my drive home last night. I'd been doing so good and I could only hear that in her voice. Mainly cause that's all she said for a few weeks after. Sorry. What do you want from me?

I'm done adulting today. Fuck everything.

Hiccups

I am missing the oddest things: a bottle of hydrogen peroxide, my cookie cookbook, all of my little Bluetooth speakers, the bathroom cleaning supplies. It is like she randomly pushed things into a bag, decided I did not need them any longer. I'm not sure I understand and I'm not sure I have to, but it is still odd. Odd to go look for something, tear the house up and know that I cannot ask anyone where it is. The cats aren't answering and neither is she.
Meanwhile, she hasn't gotten her mail forwarded. Daily reminders that I'm missing someone in the house.  Is it stuff I can throw away? Stuff to keep? Just a slap in my face?

In other news, my tenant in my indiana house has given notice. More bills that I didn't need. Maybe I can skip christmas this year. And maybe next year. I'll have to look for a new place, this one is too much money for too much space too far away from where I work. My lease will be up in February, so sooner that I realize. 3 more months.

Still exercising. Worked out a bit this morning, but am eating a little more too. Food that is so so bad for me, but is a little guilty pleasure. I'll heat up some soup before I go to work, and see if I can take the edge off.

Day off tomorrow. This is my last 5 day work week for a bit. It doesn't hurt my heart. I can only spend so much time alone in the house. My sister has invited me over for dinner Friday. Not sure if I can make it as work has me bound a bit, but will see what I can do.

I keep thinking about running in the Pride 5K, but that's thirteen miles and I'm just barely walk/running one before I get bored with the whole process. Not sure what to do about that, or who to ask. I can't tune my head out and concentrate on the exercise because I lose interest in what I'm doing. It's a huge issue. I need to rectify it quickly or the exercise/getting healthy initiative is all for nothing.

Missing my boys. Missing my friends. I'm going to try and make new ones in a couple of weeks. That will be interesting. Fingers crossed it goes well.

Wasting my day

I've done pretty much nothing all day but watch Person of Interest and eat. Well, I exercised for a little bit, but I wasn't feeling it. I'm still a little sore from yesterday. I did try and do some planking. I suck at that. My core apparently is very weak.

I did go to my sister's birthday party. It was ok. She hopefully had a great time. There were a lot of people there, she does know quite a few people. A lot of people that know both of us. There were a lot of pitying glances my way. A lot of 'Are you OK?' I'm as ok as I can be I guess. What is OK really? I don't think anyone knows exactly what that means. Am I functioning? Did I get up this morning? Am I still walking around? Have I showered? Yes. and Yes and Yes. But it gets dark at 5 and I get sleepy. There is no reason for me to stay awake. The cats are napping next to me, so it must be ok for me to sleep too.

Am I depressed? Probably. Do I need medication? Probably. Will I take any? Probably not. There is nothing wrong with meds. And I know that it is ok for me to take them, but I believe I need time. I need more time to feel like it is ok that I'm by myself. I need time to feel like I'm making good decisions. Like the decision I made yesterday to tell a friend I was concerned about her because she voted for Trump and if he has his way she won't be able to get married to her gf next year. She, to put it mildly, flipped out. In fact, I'm not entirely sure we still have a friendship or that I'll be invited to her wedding, but I could not sit idly by while she defended her vote on fb, and the kkk of all things. I'm so disappointed in her, but confused to. So I called her on it. Then she called me an asshole.

Life is interesting. I'm not sure if I self destructed our friendship on purpose, or if I could just not stand one more person standing up for bullshit.
I've started reading  What If? I'll let you know how it turns out.

And why is it so darn hard to find a book that is asexual or LGBT friendly. Granted I'm reading light hearted romances,  but holy crap. I'm so tired of reading how in love the characters are. Can't they all just be friendly with some consensual sex thrown in every once in a while? What does a girl have to do to find a bisexual character?

Works in progress

I'm trying to be 'normal' or well adjusted. Some days are harder than others.

I was at work the other day talking to a customer just trying not to cry. Between the election and the break up, I'm not feeling my most successful. I know that it all takes time, but time is a luxury for me in my day to day activities. I have to be at work to pay the bills, but I don't want to be at home because it is so damn quiet here. This house is too big, the neighbors know my love life is a failure and I don't even want to be seen. I don't want the questions, where are the dogs? Where is your girlfriend?

I sent her a message on fb about her mail that had been stacking up. She came by while I was gone and left some money too. I guess that's it. I guess we are officially done. She doesn't text, she doesn't call and I still miss her like crazy. So, I'm on a self imposed moratorium. No social media, well none that she or my family will check. I only showed her this once and I'm sure she doesn't remember. I can't see her face on messenger any more with out it hurting. Positive note, it doesn't make me immediately start to cry, so that is a positive sign. But it still hurts. This way she doesn't see me, but more importantly I don't see her. I don't see her posting to her friends that she is doing well, and I don't see that she is moving on. I know she has, I know she will, but I don't need to reminded that she is ok without me. She came by last week to pick up her things and we had a couple of big fights. Bigger than we've ever had. She mentioned that she is hurting, but she is keeping it bottled up. Perhaps this is for the best. Perhaps, if she is ok with bottling her feelings for me, throwing our love away, just perhaps she isn't the one I want to live every day with. I was always so worried about upending our apple cart, making her mad, that I never complained or did anything that would criticize. But it didn't matter because she is gone anyway. I fantasize about seeing her again, but I don't know what to do with it. I don't know if I want her back. I don't believe we will ever be together again. I just have to get used to the silence, the alone time, a life by myself. I don't know that I can ever or will ever be in love again. It just hurts too fucking much.

I am continuing to lose weight. It is a slow progress, but I've officially lost 4 pounds from the beginning of the year, and 15 pounds from the mid September. I worked out longer today than I have in months, and hopefully will continue to do so. I'm trying to monitor what I'm eating, but yesterday and today have not been good days for that. Apparently I had some sort of protein breakdown on Thursday because all I did was eat chicken. A lot of chicken. Today hasn't been much better, but I'm trying.

It's my last weekend off for the rest of the year. We go into full season next week so, all hands on deck and I work six day work weeks until Christmas. Which should be interesting. I have no idea what to think of this store and what it did for sales last year so we are winging it. Luckily i have a pretty amazing management team so we are going to kick a little ass. Which we need to cause I'm losing money like it is going out of style in that building.

My sister is having a party tonight. I have to find a smile that doesn't look as fake as it will be because a lot of people will be watching. Plus, I don't want my sister to worry. I want her to enjoy herself.

I need to find a new fantasy tho, I new thought process to spin as I'm trying to sleep. I just can't find a happy thought. If I was to be attacked by dementors, I would totally be screwed. Everyone has to have a happy thought, right? A germ of an idea they can spin into a story to help them sleep?
Because I've lost mine, and I have no idea where to look.

Well crap

Well this day hasn't gone better. 

All I've done is cry. When will the pain stop? When will it stop catching me off guard?

In mourning

Well, a lot has happened in the last few years.
Moved from Dallas to Tulsa after being promoted. Started working in different areas of the immediate area, and met an incredibly amazing woman. We started working together, and she started texting and calling me. Light flirting, and I didn't think anything of it. We kept working together, I kept ignoring the flirting. But she was persistent and I couldn't last forever. I stepped down, moved back to where I grew up, and we immediately started dating. We lived together for over a year and a half, and were supposed to be married two weeks ago. But 2 weeks before the wedding, a month ago, she came home late from work, in tears, and said that she couldn't marry me. It wasn't just that she didn't want to marry me, but that she couldn't live with me any longer. That she didn't love me the same way and so we couldn't be married, we couldn't live together, everything hit a dead stop.
I fell in love with this amazing woman, who wooed me and loved me and made me laugh, and now suddenly she is gone. We adopted a dog; now she has a part of our family with her and I can no longer have that either. She moved out last Thursday. I got completely smashed while we had little arguments about me being snarky and her ending our relationship even though it hurts her too.
I'd forgotten that I could love like that any more. I'd forgotten those times where you share your breath and thoughts and warmth, and you are grateful for the nudges in the back in the middle of the night that wake you from a dead sleep, just to hear her whisper, 'I love you'. I'd forgotten the pain of losing someone as well. How your heart rips out still beating and you are just focused trying to relearn how to breathe around this massive pain in your chest.
I don't cry everyday any more, but I'm still having trouble trying to figure out how I move on and who I've become. I'm not the same woman I was 2 years ago. I never will be, and that isn't a bad thing, but I don't know who I am now.
So I exercise, and I drastically change my eating habits (down 15 pounds!!) and I sleep like crap. I keep looking for her in the bed and she isn't there. I keep picking up my phone to text her, but have to put it down again because she doesn't respond. She wants to get over me and I'm still trying to figure out what went wrong.
My family has bent over backwards trying to take care of me. Like I'm some sort of invalid or child who can't perform basic functions. They talk behind my back about what to do with me, so we went to Memphis during what should have been my wedding, and listened to blues, picked up art and generally hovered around like I was walking wounded and they were just trying to insure I didn't take anyone out with me. The picture I ordered finally arrived, so now I will find another hobby. Back to my writing. It is NaNoWriMo after all. I might as well do something productive with all my spare time. Besides, it should keep me from angsting about wanting to text her and not, as well as keep me from making an even bigger ass out of myself. Now, if I could just get the money she owes me...