It is simply amazing how boring I am. The only life I really have is with work and that is sucking major.
Well, let me back up. The main reason I haven't been writing all that much is because I've been working way too much. Six to seven days a week, 60 to 70 hours a week. I come home, do jigsaws on the computer for a couple of hours and then go to sleep so I can do another day of it. I've had the DVR running, but was unable to really check out what I've been recording until yesterday. I've got to tell you, I haven't been missing much. I had to make myself watch the last couple episodes of House, and found that I was fast forwarding through all the interpersonal bullshit, to just when they were dealing the the health problem at hand. I did the same thing with Numb3rs and Criminal Minds. Which sucks because normally I really like these shows, but now I'm just bored by them. I have yet to be able to force myself to watch Grey's or Standoff. The only thing I've enjoyed was Bones, Heroes and .... well, that was pretty much it. I'm waiting to watch Studio 60 until the next one is taped.
But it really pisses me off, because usually this is one of the few escapist things I enjoy and I can't even find interest in it! Is it because tv is vapid or because my stress level at work is increasing and my happiness level with my personal life is decreasing? (of course I should have used another work for happiness, but I can't come up with it. Maybe my brain cells are dying, but I'm not drinking enough to cause a sudden loss.)
Other things that irritate me is that West Wing is no longer on Itunes for me to buy individual episodes. I had no idea they were going to come off when the series ended. Plus, I've had a headache for the last two weeks, a ringing in my left ear for the last month, the Wellbutrin isn't working the same for me as it is for my friends and family, I haven't had sex in so long I'm not sure I remember how and I have no social life.
Not that people aren't trying to help me with the life thing. Stais wants to come down between xmas and new year for a couple days, although I'm not clear if it is just her or her and Phil. Not that it matters either way, I'll still have to plan stuff to do. Capt. Optimism has been sending messages again. He was telling me I should go out with friends to take the stress level off. I think he was including himself in that, but he (and I know I'm going to hell for this) resembles Lerch after a 3 month all you can eat buffet bender. There is nothing about this guy that attracts me, interests me, nothing. And yet I don't cut him loose. I feel awful for feeling this way about the guy. He's perfectly nice. What the hell is wrong with me? Even when I think about hanging out with people, I see it as them coming over to my house, bringing food and drink and us all hanging out on the couch.
I'm going to be 34 in a couple of months. I'm single. I'm overweight. I'm discontent in my job. I have no social life to speak of. I have two cats. I tool around in a house with too much space for me and the cats. What the hell am I doing with my life? Where am I going? I feel like I'm just watching the traffic go by, not even interested enough in seeing where they are going.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Monday, October 09, 2006
The Stitch
Is it wrong that at 7 p.m. all I want to do is go to bed? It isn't like there is anything exciting there for me, (well the other night I was trying to decide between David Boreanaz and Matthew Perry, but how often does that happen?) and I so rarely feel rested after, but damn I'm tired.
I got to go back to the dermatologist today and get the stitch out of my face. Apparently the mole that was removed was a blue novus, whatever the hell that means. In the end, I was told that if the mole had gone unchecked, and unremoved, it might have become cancer. Okey dokey. So long as I have this totally uncool scar on my face that looks like someone tried to put a star on my cheek. No tatoos there to cover it up so I will have to start with the vitaman e to do it's magic.
Meanwhile, back at the office, I've been putting in too many hours. In fact, the only reason I left early (read: only worked 8 hours without a lunch) is because of the dr.'s appt. Everyone I've talked to is putting in too many hours, but it still sucks. The whole point to becoming a manager is so I didn't have to work so many hours. But I have a doofus working for me now, so until he quits or I drive him out of the building, I'm stuck. I've been cleaning out my office, painting and everything to really make it mine. I've trashed the bookcases and hotfiles so they can't become clutter catchers, and reduces my temptation to put something on them. The only way for me to keep something clean is if I don't have anything to put something on.
I feel bad about the house though. I've been here only a couple of months and the place is trashed. I need to throw out a bunch of mail and stuff that I no longer want. I still have boxes everywhere. It is just driving me nuts. I'm thinking that since I painted my office, I can go ahead and get ready to paint in my own house. I need to paint the room I'm using as the office because this gray is about to get on my left nerve.
Well, I've dawdled on the computer long enough. I think I'm going to go to bed early tonight. It isn't like I have anything better to do. Maybe I need to get a roommate? Someone who will keep me active. The cats sure aren't doing it. I need something....
I got to go back to the dermatologist today and get the stitch out of my face. Apparently the mole that was removed was a blue novus, whatever the hell that means. In the end, I was told that if the mole had gone unchecked, and unremoved, it might have become cancer. Okey dokey. So long as I have this totally uncool scar on my face that looks like someone tried to put a star on my cheek. No tatoos there to cover it up so I will have to start with the vitaman e to do it's magic.
Meanwhile, back at the office, I've been putting in too many hours. In fact, the only reason I left early (read: only worked 8 hours without a lunch) is because of the dr.'s appt. Everyone I've talked to is putting in too many hours, but it still sucks. The whole point to becoming a manager is so I didn't have to work so many hours. But I have a doofus working for me now, so until he quits or I drive him out of the building, I'm stuck. I've been cleaning out my office, painting and everything to really make it mine. I've trashed the bookcases and hotfiles so they can't become clutter catchers, and reduces my temptation to put something on them. The only way for me to keep something clean is if I don't have anything to put something on.
I feel bad about the house though. I've been here only a couple of months and the place is trashed. I need to throw out a bunch of mail and stuff that I no longer want. I still have boxes everywhere. It is just driving me nuts. I'm thinking that since I painted my office, I can go ahead and get ready to paint in my own house. I need to paint the room I'm using as the office because this gray is about to get on my left nerve.
Well, I've dawdled on the computer long enough. I think I'm going to go to bed early tonight. It isn't like I have anything better to do. Maybe I need to get a roommate? Someone who will keep me active. The cats sure aren't doing it. I need something....
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Sexual Drought
I am dying here. I'm sure there is a medical condition, the necessitates sex. Life has just gotten more and more bizarre, and it doesn't help that I'm sinking into this fantasy land every night that leaves me even more sexually frustrated than when I went to bed. The stuff I'm reading, (wow) is leaving me revved up like some car engine that just guns for no reason. I'm idling high. The worst part is that I can't escape it. Even if I don't read the dirty stuff, (although Emma Holly is damn good at her job), I can't watch simple movies without feeling like I'm deprived and/or jealous of the actors doing their job. In fact, I had to come in here and write about this because I was watching "50 First Dates" and I was jealous of a character with a head injury.
It doesn't help that for the first time in my life, my bathroom cabinet looks like a sick person lives here. I'm taking celebrex for my ankle, which still hurts; I'm taking Nicomide for the "stubborn acne" that my dermatologist says is springing up all over my body, (which makes me feel even sexier, let me tell you); and wellbutrin for my mental well being, which I'm not sure is working either. The only indication that there is any juice in the stuff are these dreams I'm having at night. With the worst ones I've been waking up in a sweat, in the best ones, I'm waking up wet. I'm pretty much fucked (well, not technically) and I'm not seeing the benefit during the day.
I am trying to do other things. I spent the majority of my morning setting up my new blinds. They are pretty cheap, but they work in a pinch. Of course, one of the girls, Gracie, decided she needed to play with the cords that were hanging down and ripped one of them off the wall. So in my bay window that has three separate windows, only two of them are covered.
I'm going to have to go to the store, but it wasn't going to happen today. It has been raining so much, my street was flooded for a good two hours. There would have been no way for my to even get out of my driveway. The pump in the basement has been running off and on all day. I've been lucky though, no water in the house. Of course, it is starting to get cold too. I probably should bring someone out to clean the chimney. Maybe they will be cute and I can turn the appointment into one of those penthouse letters.
I've also been getting out. I haven't been hanging out with Capt. Optimism, who, for some reason feels the need to ask me what I'm doing every couple of days, but I have been hanging out with one of my former assistants. I can't remember if I've named him in here yet, so let's just call him my brother Brown, which is a play on his last name, nothing else. Anyway, I've been hanging out with him and his fiance which is cool, but also reaffirms that I'm alone. I hate being the third wheel, especially when I don't know everybody really well, but what are you going to do? Brown is a couple of years younger than me, but his girl Friday, well she is a full decade younger than me. But she's sweet and fun to be around. My singleness seems to be affecting those around me as well. Barry White, my assistant, has decided that if he is still working for me by the time Valentine's day rolls around, he is going to find me someone. I'm beginning to think I'm broken though. There is something wrong with that switch that finds men attractive. In fact, at work a couple of days ago, one of the guys helping me out with my remodel, came up to me and said I looked like I needed to hug, and he gave me one. I will inform you that not only is he incredibly good looking, he is sweet and pretty cut too. All I could think was, "What do I have to do to get you through your visit, so I can get on with my day?" I'm telling you, something in me has died.
And yet, I still miss all the components of sex. The kisses that lead to clothes coming off. Running my hands over his chest, licking and biting and sucking on whatever piece of skin I come across. The slight feeling of helplessness when I end up on my back completely open to his eyes, hands and explorations. That feeling when he first slides into me is one of my favorite.
I need another shower and a beer.
It doesn't help that for the first time in my life, my bathroom cabinet looks like a sick person lives here. I'm taking celebrex for my ankle, which still hurts; I'm taking Nicomide for the "stubborn acne" that my dermatologist says is springing up all over my body, (which makes me feel even sexier, let me tell you); and wellbutrin for my mental well being, which I'm not sure is working either. The only indication that there is any juice in the stuff are these dreams I'm having at night. With the worst ones I've been waking up in a sweat, in the best ones, I'm waking up wet. I'm pretty much fucked (well, not technically) and I'm not seeing the benefit during the day.
I am trying to do other things. I spent the majority of my morning setting up my new blinds. They are pretty cheap, but they work in a pinch. Of course, one of the girls, Gracie, decided she needed to play with the cords that were hanging down and ripped one of them off the wall. So in my bay window that has three separate windows, only two of them are covered.
I'm going to have to go to the store, but it wasn't going to happen today. It has been raining so much, my street was flooded for a good two hours. There would have been no way for my to even get out of my driveway. The pump in the basement has been running off and on all day. I've been lucky though, no water in the house. Of course, it is starting to get cold too. I probably should bring someone out to clean the chimney. Maybe they will be cute and I can turn the appointment into one of those penthouse letters.
I've also been getting out. I haven't been hanging out with Capt. Optimism, who, for some reason feels the need to ask me what I'm doing every couple of days, but I have been hanging out with one of my former assistants. I can't remember if I've named him in here yet, so let's just call him my brother Brown, which is a play on his last name, nothing else. Anyway, I've been hanging out with him and his fiance which is cool, but also reaffirms that I'm alone. I hate being the third wheel, especially when I don't know everybody really well, but what are you going to do? Brown is a couple of years younger than me, but his girl Friday, well she is a full decade younger than me. But she's sweet and fun to be around. My singleness seems to be affecting those around me as well. Barry White, my assistant, has decided that if he is still working for me by the time Valentine's day rolls around, he is going to find me someone. I'm beginning to think I'm broken though. There is something wrong with that switch that finds men attractive. In fact, at work a couple of days ago, one of the guys helping me out with my remodel, came up to me and said I looked like I needed to hug, and he gave me one. I will inform you that not only is he incredibly good looking, he is sweet and pretty cut too. All I could think was, "What do I have to do to get you through your visit, so I can get on with my day?" I'm telling you, something in me has died.
And yet, I still miss all the components of sex. The kisses that lead to clothes coming off. Running my hands over his chest, licking and biting and sucking on whatever piece of skin I come across. The slight feeling of helplessness when I end up on my back completely open to his eyes, hands and explorations. That feeling when he first slides into me is one of my favorite.
I need another shower and a beer.
Monday, August 21, 2006
All good things
After taking a four day weekend, during which I didn't do a whole hell of a lot of anything, I have to go back to work tomorrow. I cannot say I'm excited about it because I left a lot to do in my hurry to get the hell out of the building.
I can say that I did get a couple of things done. A couple more boxes emptied. Some things moved around in the house so at least the dining room table is where it should be. If I can get a couple more of those things done, I'll be good to go.
Of course, I still haven't had many people over. A friend of mine dropped by today. It makes the place a little bit more mine when I can show it to people. The guys from work still haven't made it by. I'm not going to sweat it too much. My family will be out in a couple of weeks so I'm sure I'll have a good time then. Of course, when my sister comes, she's bringing her rott Shelly. I'm sure the three cats will enjoy that. I expect a lot of hiding that weekend. Which will probably help my mother breathe, as she is allergic to cats.
I still haven't heard back from my new Dr. about the bloodtests she ran. I guess I'll call tomorrow. She already gave me celebrex for the arthritis (!!!!) I have in my ankle. She also gave me this feel good med call Lexpro. Back on antidepressents. She probably did that because I told her I was binge eating. I don't think you are supposed to see your dr.'s eye's get big when you tell her all the things that you do wrong, but oh well. She also ordered me to go to Weight Watcher's, but I haven't checked that out yet. There is something about going to this group meeting and getting weighed in front of a group that gives me the heebee geebees. (I'm pretty sure that isn't the correct spelling, but I'm not about to look that one up.)
Well, I hear a cigarette calling my name, the kids want to take one last romp around the yard to stalk things and then I'm off to bed. Wish me luck tomorrow.
I can say that I did get a couple of things done. A couple more boxes emptied. Some things moved around in the house so at least the dining room table is where it should be. If I can get a couple more of those things done, I'll be good to go.
Of course, I still haven't had many people over. A friend of mine dropped by today. It makes the place a little bit more mine when I can show it to people. The guys from work still haven't made it by. I'm not going to sweat it too much. My family will be out in a couple of weeks so I'm sure I'll have a good time then. Of course, when my sister comes, she's bringing her rott Shelly. I'm sure the three cats will enjoy that. I expect a lot of hiding that weekend. Which will probably help my mother breathe, as she is allergic to cats.
I still haven't heard back from my new Dr. about the bloodtests she ran. I guess I'll call tomorrow. She already gave me celebrex for the arthritis (!!!!) I have in my ankle. She also gave me this feel good med call Lexpro. Back on antidepressents. She probably did that because I told her I was binge eating. I don't think you are supposed to see your dr.'s eye's get big when you tell her all the things that you do wrong, but oh well. She also ordered me to go to Weight Watcher's, but I haven't checked that out yet. There is something about going to this group meeting and getting weighed in front of a group that gives me the heebee geebees. (I'm pretty sure that isn't the correct spelling, but I'm not about to look that one up.)
Well, I hear a cigarette calling my name, the kids want to take one last romp around the yard to stalk things and then I'm off to bed. Wish me luck tomorrow.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Pout
So I need to take a minute to pout because I'm seriously cranky about something and then I'll let it lie.
My sister, sorry, one of my sister's, told me yesterday that she isn't going to be able to come out with the rest of the family because she has an exam that week. Which I do completely understand, however, it sucks. I just want to be able to show off my house to my friends, but no one in town has been able to come by because we are in our busy season and everyone else lives too damn far away. I want to show off the place to my family, but one sister isn't coming, another one can only stay for one night and my mom is allergic to my cats, so I'm sure she and dad won't be staying long.
This bites.
My sister, sorry, one of my sister's, told me yesterday that she isn't going to be able to come out with the rest of the family because she has an exam that week. Which I do completely understand, however, it sucks. I just want to be able to show off my house to my friends, but no one in town has been able to come by because we are in our busy season and everyone else lives too damn far away. I want to show off the place to my family, but one sister isn't coming, another one can only stay for one night and my mom is allergic to my cats, so I'm sure she and dad won't be staying long.
This bites.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Bizarre dreams
So I've been having wierd dreams for a little bit now, but I have to tell someone about the dream I had this afternoon while I was taking a nap. (Which, by the way, I don't feel any more rested.) So anyway, William, who is my assistant, showed up at my house, which has moved closer to a downtown area complete with trains, and trellises and lots of stairs leading down streets to a river. Anyway, he dropped by so we could go out and while we are trying to find an open bar, we came across Chris Noth, but in the dream he was Gene Kelly (you know, looked like Chris Noth, but was really Gene Kelly. Am I the only one who does this?) and he was drunk off his ass. So I decided to help him. William wanted me to leave him so I could find some cute booty and go to town, but I was determined. We kept climbing these stairs and ladders and whatever else it took to get back to my car.
Then, he moved in for a kiss (he being Chris Noth) but instead turned his head and barfed all over the place. I thought I was going to be ill myself and fought to keep my stomach down, but woke up fairly soon after that and didn't feel ill at all.
But I have to go know because I'm having a meeting at work tonight and I should probably prepare a little.
Then, he moved in for a kiss (he being Chris Noth) but instead turned his head and barfed all over the place. I thought I was going to be ill myself and fought to keep my stomach down, but woke up fairly soon after that and didn't feel ill at all.
But I have to go know because I'm having a meeting at work tonight and I should probably prepare a little.
Monday, July 31, 2006
The Big Move
So I've made the transition. I left all this stuff at the other place too. The vacumm, a bottle of bourbon (I really can't stand the taste), miscellaneous trash, a dead plant on the balcony. I can't really tell you that I care, cause I don't. I paid my $900 to get out of the lease, a bargain cause I thought I was going to have to shell out $1200 and left. I don't have to go back there for a very long time, or ever, depending on how life falls out.
Course, this move has gone fairly easily. There have been a few missteps, like me trying to mow the lawn last night and unable to get the damn mower to start. Finally, after several calls, an hour later and a margarita down, I was able to track someone who could tell me that I had to prime the damn thing. So this morning, my fat ass was outside priming the mower so I could mow the lawn. Wow, has it been a long time since I did anything like that. I had to take another shower just to cool off. But I did it.
Of course, the kids have been slightly difficult during this transition. They still don't completely recognize my footsteps in the house and will cringe, but all in all they are doing ok. Except Dev. He hasn't really been eating again. After a rough night, I called the vet to tell them I'd made the decision to put him down. I made an appointment for the next day and was all set to go. I was saying my goodbye's when he decided to start playing and eating just a ton of food, drinking all kinds of water, etc. I cancelled the appointment today. I gave him the iv and we will see how it turns out. It is a good thing I don't do drugs though. I have a ton of needles in the house for his iv. Sharp little things too.
I'll include a picture of the living room. I'm pretty sure the red couch doesn't go with the purple on the walls, but I'm going to live with it for now.
The only thing I can't stand about the house, right now, is the tiny bathroom. You really can't turn around in there. Makes things interesting.
Course, this move has gone fairly easily. There have been a few missteps, like me trying to mow the lawn last night and unable to get the damn mower to start. Finally, after several calls, an hour later and a margarita down, I was able to track someone who could tell me that I had to prime the damn thing. So this morning, my fat ass was outside priming the mower so I could mow the lawn. Wow, has it been a long time since I did anything like that. I had to take another shower just to cool off. But I did it.
Of course, the kids have been slightly difficult during this transition. They still don't completely recognize my footsteps in the house and will cringe, but all in all they are doing ok. Except Dev. He hasn't really been eating again. After a rough night, I called the vet to tell them I'd made the decision to put him down. I made an appointment for the next day and was all set to go. I was saying my goodbye's when he decided to start playing and eating just a ton of food, drinking all kinds of water, etc. I cancelled the appointment today. I gave him the iv and we will see how it turns out. It is a good thing I don't do drugs though. I have a ton of needles in the house for his iv. Sharp little things too.
I'll include a picture of the living room. I'm pretty sure the red couch doesn't go with the purple on the walls, but I'm going to live with it for now.
The only thing I can't stand about the house, right now, is the tiny bathroom. You really can't turn around in there. Makes things interesting.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Everyday is like Sunday
Actually, that isn't true, but sounded good while I was typing.
"Every day is silent and gray" is actually closer to the truth. I took my oldest cat into the vet today to find out the reason he isn't eating is because he has kidney failure. He isn't all together that old, about 10 years, but he is dying. The vets are going to try and push some fluid in him and see if that helps, but they aren't very hopeful. I've been crying off and on all morning, in between packing for the move and throwing entire boxes of shit away. The other two have no idea what the hell is going on. They know I left with him, and he didn't come back. They are alternately looking at me as if I'm the monster under the bed and trying to kiss my ass so they get to stay at the house.
I need to get more boxes and tape, but I don't really want to go anywhere that I might see other people.
I got the money for the down deposit on the house and will have a certified check next friday. That is when I close on the house. I have to have this whole house packed up in less than 7 days.
I'm totally fucked.
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Of course, I'm beyond broke too. I hate it when I'm not on top of my finances. I've been so preoccupied lately, that I had no idea what was in my checking account. So here I go to the grocery only to have the checkout guy tell me that I'm overdrawn. So I thank'd Mr. Helpful and pulled out my credit card. For groceries! I want to be done with all of this and just be broke in my new house sitting on my rickety ass couch, watching bad tv because I can't afford to buy books any longer, and playing solitare on the computer because I can't even consider going out.
Ahhh. Social desolation. What a promising concept.
"Every day is silent and gray" is actually closer to the truth. I took my oldest cat into the vet today to find out the reason he isn't eating is because he has kidney failure. He isn't all together that old, about 10 years, but he is dying. The vets are going to try and push some fluid in him and see if that helps, but they aren't very hopeful. I've been crying off and on all morning, in between packing for the move and throwing entire boxes of shit away. The other two have no idea what the hell is going on. They know I left with him, and he didn't come back. They are alternately looking at me as if I'm the monster under the bed and trying to kiss my ass so they get to stay at the house.
I need to get more boxes and tape, but I don't really want to go anywhere that I might see other people.
I got the money for the down deposit on the house and will have a certified check next friday. That is when I close on the house. I have to have this whole house packed up in less than 7 days.
I'm totally fucked.
************************
Of course, I'm beyond broke too. I hate it when I'm not on top of my finances. I've been so preoccupied lately, that I had no idea what was in my checking account. So here I go to the grocery only to have the checkout guy tell me that I'm overdrawn. So I thank'd Mr. Helpful and pulled out my credit card. For groceries! I want to be done with all of this and just be broke in my new house sitting on my rickety ass couch, watching bad tv because I can't afford to buy books any longer, and playing solitare on the computer because I can't even consider going out.
Ahhh. Social desolation. What a promising concept.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Nerves of Steel
I am in way over my head. I've decided to purchase a house. I finally found the house that I wanted, but wow, there is so much to do with it. I'm getting the house inspection tomorrow and the appraisal next week. I'm going to have to buy a lawn mower, a dining room table and chairs, a matress, and finally fix the spare bed. I want a new tv, not that anything is wrong with mine, but I would love one where I didn't have to go behind the tv to plug in the dvd player. I need a couch cover, because the red couch is going to clash with the purple on the walls in the living room.
I am so excited though. I can't wait to move in although it won't be for another 3 weeks. I just have to be patient, and start my packing again. I'm just so excited about that. We'll see. I'm not sure how all this will work out yet, but keep your fingers crossed. Of course, I would also like to get surround speakers in the living room, but who knows how much that will cost me. It may have to wait.
Of course, the social life is sucking as well. I've been chatting with this guy I'll call Capt. Optimism. He is very religious, spends lots of time at the church and his chief goal is to become a better person. In fact, he has been reading several self-help books written by catholics to become this better person. We've agreed to be friends, but everytime we go out, he gives me these long looks. It is starting to drive me insane. Finally he invited me to his place for dinner the other night. I declined, but it took him a couple of days to get back in touch with me.
Oh well.
Other than that, there isn't a whole lot of anything else going on. Just major life changing moves.
I am so excited though. I can't wait to move in although it won't be for another 3 weeks. I just have to be patient, and start my packing again. I'm just so excited about that. We'll see. I'm not sure how all this will work out yet, but keep your fingers crossed. Of course, I would also like to get surround speakers in the living room, but who knows how much that will cost me. It may have to wait.
Of course, the social life is sucking as well. I've been chatting with this guy I'll call Capt. Optimism. He is very religious, spends lots of time at the church and his chief goal is to become a better person. In fact, he has been reading several self-help books written by catholics to become this better person. We've agreed to be friends, but everytime we go out, he gives me these long looks. It is starting to drive me insane. Finally he invited me to his place for dinner the other night. I declined, but it took him a couple of days to get back in touch with me.
Oh well.
Other than that, there isn't a whole lot of anything else going on. Just major life changing moves.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
The odd things that make your heart flop
There has got to be something wrong with me. "You've Got Mail," which isn't a great movie, has a couple of excellent moments in it. Enough to make a single girl yearn for things she can't find. That scene in her bedroom when she's sick and he puts his fingers over her mouth to allow him to finish speaking. That always makes my heart melt a little.
Or the scene on the sidewalk when he is pouring her heart out to her. Who wouldn't want someone who wants to be with you?
Not the last scene though. Dumb way to end the movie.
An odd thing happened yesterday though. Another one of the managers came by to chat and we were talking about my self image. (Long story from vacation and Stais was mad at me, but we won't go into that here). The odd thing was that he decided to inform me that he is interested in me. Attracted was the word he used. And then said, "You know that, right?" How the hell would I know that? What does it matter anyway, as he is engaged to be married and is living with same girl? I swear I don't understand men.
I'm looking at houses now. I was talking with my sister about switching around stock and what it would take to slip money out of my 401k so I can put a down payment on a house. Of course, after I get off the phone with her, I go online and purchase books and then kick over to the Itunes and spend about $50 on songs.
I've been considering going on Match.com to find someone. It might, at least, get my ass out of the house.
At least I don't feel like I'm floundering anymore. I took the trip I was supposed to take. It does make me wonder though. I've always believed that there are certain things, lessons if you will, that you are supposed to learn. After this trip to Ireland, I was hoping for that "Aha!" moment. That zen when you know you've done something you've been waiting your whole life for, and all I felt was ...blah. No satisfaction, just the knowledge that I was supposed to do this, that I was ticking an item off my to do list. (Which means that I have to find someone with a Harley and con him into letting me ride on the back. I may have to give him a ride on my back, but, hey, I'm willing to sacrifice a few things.) The thing is, I don't feel like I'm driving anymore. What happens will happen if I'm an active participant or not. I was supposed to be in Ireland, so I was. It was the right step. What if I hadn't decided to go, would I have won a trip? Would my life be different? Better or worse? Does it matter? My life will unfold if I am active in the decision making process or not. Well, not if I'm active, but I don't see any sense of urgency. Nothing to worry about. If I died tomorrow, then that is what was supposed to happen. My own death used to make me sorry, made me cry, but I'm fine with it. I found a sense of peace in Ireland I didn't know existed for myself. Like I've been leveled out.
Kind of odd.
Of course, I have to continue to end with my favorite pics of Ireland. This is out of Kinsale. Actually, this is in front of the hotel, The Trident. Really cool place. We were right on the water and it was beautiful. On this day, we traveled to Killarney. That place was my favorite of the whole trip. That is where I want to be if I can just move there. But, this isn't Killarney. This place was beautiful too.
Or the scene on the sidewalk when he is pouring her heart out to her. Who wouldn't want someone who wants to be with you?
Not the last scene though. Dumb way to end the movie.
An odd thing happened yesterday though. Another one of the managers came by to chat and we were talking about my self image. (Long story from vacation and Stais was mad at me, but we won't go into that here). The odd thing was that he decided to inform me that he is interested in me. Attracted was the word he used. And then said, "You know that, right?" How the hell would I know that? What does it matter anyway, as he is engaged to be married and is living with same girl? I swear I don't understand men.
I'm looking at houses now. I was talking with my sister about switching around stock and what it would take to slip money out of my 401k so I can put a down payment on a house. Of course, after I get off the phone with her, I go online and purchase books and then kick over to the Itunes and spend about $50 on songs.
I've been considering going on Match.com to find someone. It might, at least, get my ass out of the house.
At least I don't feel like I'm floundering anymore. I took the trip I was supposed to take. It does make me wonder though. I've always believed that there are certain things, lessons if you will, that you are supposed to learn. After this trip to Ireland, I was hoping for that "Aha!" moment. That zen when you know you've done something you've been waiting your whole life for, and all I felt was ...blah. No satisfaction, just the knowledge that I was supposed to do this, that I was ticking an item off my to do list. (Which means that I have to find someone with a Harley and con him into letting me ride on the back. I may have to give him a ride on my back, but, hey, I'm willing to sacrifice a few things.) The thing is, I don't feel like I'm driving anymore. What happens will happen if I'm an active participant or not. I was supposed to be in Ireland, so I was. It was the right step. What if I hadn't decided to go, would I have won a trip? Would my life be different? Better or worse? Does it matter? My life will unfold if I am active in the decision making process or not. Well, not if I'm active, but I don't see any sense of urgency. Nothing to worry about. If I died tomorrow, then that is what was supposed to happen. My own death used to make me sorry, made me cry, but I'm fine with it. I found a sense of peace in Ireland I didn't know existed for myself. Like I've been leveled out.
Kind of odd.
Of course, I have to continue to end with my favorite pics of Ireland. This is out of Kinsale. Actually, this is in front of the hotel, The Trident. Really cool place. We were right on the water and it was beautiful. On this day, we traveled to Killarney. That place was my favorite of the whole trip. That is where I want to be if I can just move there. But, this isn't Killarney. This place was beautiful too.
Monday, May 22, 2006
The evils of Technology
So, after Stais has shown me up numerable times on the whole technology end, I thought I would finally get into the game and get a DVD burner so I could make some movies and maybe burn some episodes of West Wing I can get off Itunes. Of course it took me an hour to figure out how to get the damn thing to work, then it still is having trouble with the fucking sound card. So, like an idiot I thought, "Well, let's just get some more DDR memory to make the damn thing fail just a little faster." The whole thing is just pissing me off.
I've also decided to buy a house. I know I've kicked the idea around forever, but now is the time. I cannot stand to live where I am any longer. I need a house. Can't afford it, but I have this need to get the hell out of this apartment complex. Of course, that means that I've decided that I'm staying in Southern Indiana. I have no friends here, outside of work. I have no family here. I have cats. And I've decided to stay. I kind of wonder if my moving up in the company isn't a pipe dream. Something the bosses will feed me to keep my ass motivated. But either way, it isn't for a few years yet and I cannot live in this place any longer, or in any other apartment. I need a backyard to let the kids hunt and so I can play with my garden and get some sun. I need a neighborhood that I can meet the neighbors and we can have polite meaningless conversations over the fence. I will be in debt for the rest of my life, but I need to take this step.
Ahh the responsibilities of grown ups.
Saw the folks this weekend. My sisters are plotting behind their backs to clean the house and buy them different pieces of hardware to spruce the house up. I'm a little worried about my mother as well. She is forgetting a lot more. Her doctor said it is either normal forgetfulness or the beginnings of dementia. What a happy fun thought. I don't know what to do. There is no hand guide for our parents after they get old enough. I asked her if there was a test she wanted to take, but she wants to wait until she gets some more work done on her book. Meanwhile, I just get to wait and worry.
I'll leave with my favorite picture from Ireland. I could get lost here. If I had seen an empty house around this place, I would have crawled in and hid so I would never have had to come back. I may still do it.
I've also decided to buy a house. I know I've kicked the idea around forever, but now is the time. I cannot stand to live where I am any longer. I need a house. Can't afford it, but I have this need to get the hell out of this apartment complex. Of course, that means that I've decided that I'm staying in Southern Indiana. I have no friends here, outside of work. I have no family here. I have cats. And I've decided to stay. I kind of wonder if my moving up in the company isn't a pipe dream. Something the bosses will feed me to keep my ass motivated. But either way, it isn't for a few years yet and I cannot live in this place any longer, or in any other apartment. I need a backyard to let the kids hunt and so I can play with my garden and get some sun. I need a neighborhood that I can meet the neighbors and we can have polite meaningless conversations over the fence. I will be in debt for the rest of my life, but I need to take this step.
Ahh the responsibilities of grown ups.
Saw the folks this weekend. My sisters are plotting behind their backs to clean the house and buy them different pieces of hardware to spruce the house up. I'm a little worried about my mother as well. She is forgetting a lot more. Her doctor said it is either normal forgetfulness or the beginnings of dementia. What a happy fun thought. I don't know what to do. There is no hand guide for our parents after they get old enough. I asked her if there was a test she wanted to take, but she wants to wait until she gets some more work done on her book. Meanwhile, I just get to wait and worry.
I'll leave with my favorite picture from Ireland. I could get lost here. If I had seen an empty house around this place, I would have crawled in and hid so I would never have had to come back. I may still do it.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Bordering on Exhaustion
Sleep, as of late, has been eluding me. I can feel it hiding around the corner, laughing silently, while I toss and turn on my bed, begging for it to show up. Apparently I haven't been offering up enough cold cash for it to bless me with its presense.
I've been trying to clean up the house a little since I've been back. Actually, yesterday was an interesting day. To dodge the necessary cleaning, I ran to work to drop off a t-shirt I got for one of my assistants on the way out. He is switching stores (at my request) and is a little irritated with me about it. Oh well. Either way, I stopped at the local liquor store after to pick up Kilkenny, which they didn't have! Of all the rude things... so I picked up a six of Smithwicks and a six of Stella.
After I left there I was driving down the street minding my own when I saw a woman giving tarot readings. I pulled in and she threw my cards. Is it a good sign when you are sitting across from a professional and she is surprised by what I've pulled out? Every time a card was revealed, she just looked shocked or said, "Well." There was a slight pause as she tried to figure out what the hell was going on and then would launch into the definition. All in all, I had a pretty positive reading which was either her putting a positive spin on a totally disastrous pile of cards or I looked like someone who hasn't had a good day in months and wouldn't know what a good time in bed was if someone gave an active demonstration.
I started out with a strong woman card, which she was okay with, followed by a nine of swords which seems to mean that I'm almost over whatever it is that is holding me back. "Just get out there," she says. "Everyone has had a broken heart." She follows that up with a three of cups card, saying there will be some sort of celebration in my future, or a love triangle. Oooookay. We then move to the seasons. A strong woman (High Priestess) will give me an important project (One of Swords). I will work hard on it all summer (Nine of Pentacles). Finish the project in the fall, and face judgement for it during the winter (Judgement Card). She said I should just do what I know is right morally and ethically and I will do all right during the judgement. I will finish the project successfully (Ten of Pentacles) and receive a raise in status. She ended up with this card that had a sun on it. Just get out there and do it she says. Do things differently. The universe is trying to give me love, but I have to get out to find it.
Which really irritates me because that is all Stais said to me during the vacation. "You have to open minded to what is out there," she said over and over. I kept telling her my mind doesn't open that far, but apparently I'm wrong. Of course, my horoscope has also been telling me over and over that if I hear something repeated to me, take it for what it is. Listen even if I don't believe it and make it my own. Which also irritates me. I ended up, the last night I was in Ireland, hooking up a little with a driver from another tour. Durmot is funny as hell. But also he told me that I am beautiful. Of course, originally it was that I had a great sense of humour and a bubbly personality. And yes, I have a hell of a sense of humor and since the bubbly he was talking about in my personality is my chest, then I have to agree with him there as well. I am rather well endowed. Since he had said that at first, I gave him all sorts of grief, as no woman I've ever met wants to be known has having a great personality even if she does.
Later, however, as he was trying to convince me to remove my pants, he kept telling me how beautiful I was. I was, at that moment, a "sexy bitch". Hearing that from someone who is trying to convince to have a one night stand is one thing. It turns out, though, that one of the guys in the group also thought that I was pretty. He had a girl back home which is why he didn't say anything or do anything, but he made sure to tell Stais, "I know she doesn't think she's pretty and that she's too big, but tell her it isn't true."
So now I'm adopting that thought. In keeping with the "Get out and Live" thought process, on my way home from getting my fortune told, I decided to stop in a pub and have lunch with complete strangers. A totally open mind. Especially since I hate hanging out by myself to do anything. But there I was. In a pub. With complete rednecks all around me. Missing large sections of their teeth.
Well, I tried. Now I'm going to have to try another day. I'm not sure what the hell is taking so long for my destiny to kick into gear, but I'll keep trying, dammit!
By the way, this is the group that I hung out with all of last week. The only one missing is Danny who was too tired to come play with us that day. I did learn something from Danny, though. Every morning that I get up from now on, I'm going to tell myself that I am a pretty motherfucker! That positive reinforcement has got to start working sometime!
I've been trying to clean up the house a little since I've been back. Actually, yesterday was an interesting day. To dodge the necessary cleaning, I ran to work to drop off a t-shirt I got for one of my assistants on the way out. He is switching stores (at my request) and is a little irritated with me about it. Oh well. Either way, I stopped at the local liquor store after to pick up Kilkenny, which they didn't have! Of all the rude things... so I picked up a six of Smithwicks and a six of Stella.
After I left there I was driving down the street minding my own when I saw a woman giving tarot readings. I pulled in and she threw my cards. Is it a good sign when you are sitting across from a professional and she is surprised by what I've pulled out? Every time a card was revealed, she just looked shocked or said, "Well." There was a slight pause as she tried to figure out what the hell was going on and then would launch into the definition. All in all, I had a pretty positive reading which was either her putting a positive spin on a totally disastrous pile of cards or I looked like someone who hasn't had a good day in months and wouldn't know what a good time in bed was if someone gave an active demonstration.
I started out with a strong woman card, which she was okay with, followed by a nine of swords which seems to mean that I'm almost over whatever it is that is holding me back. "Just get out there," she says. "Everyone has had a broken heart." She follows that up with a three of cups card, saying there will be some sort of celebration in my future, or a love triangle. Oooookay. We then move to the seasons. A strong woman (High Priestess) will give me an important project (One of Swords). I will work hard on it all summer (Nine of Pentacles). Finish the project in the fall, and face judgement for it during the winter (Judgement Card). She said I should just do what I know is right morally and ethically and I will do all right during the judgement. I will finish the project successfully (Ten of Pentacles) and receive a raise in status. She ended up with this card that had a sun on it. Just get out there and do it she says. Do things differently. The universe is trying to give me love, but I have to get out to find it.
Which really irritates me because that is all Stais said to me during the vacation. "You have to open minded to what is out there," she said over and over. I kept telling her my mind doesn't open that far, but apparently I'm wrong. Of course, my horoscope has also been telling me over and over that if I hear something repeated to me, take it for what it is. Listen even if I don't believe it and make it my own. Which also irritates me. I ended up, the last night I was in Ireland, hooking up a little with a driver from another tour. Durmot is funny as hell. But also he told me that I am beautiful. Of course, originally it was that I had a great sense of humour and a bubbly personality. And yes, I have a hell of a sense of humor and since the bubbly he was talking about in my personality is my chest, then I have to agree with him there as well. I am rather well endowed. Since he had said that at first, I gave him all sorts of grief, as no woman I've ever met wants to be known has having a great personality even if she does.
Later, however, as he was trying to convince me to remove my pants, he kept telling me how beautiful I was. I was, at that moment, a "sexy bitch". Hearing that from someone who is trying to convince to have a one night stand is one thing. It turns out, though, that one of the guys in the group also thought that I was pretty. He had a girl back home which is why he didn't say anything or do anything, but he made sure to tell Stais, "I know she doesn't think she's pretty and that she's too big, but tell her it isn't true."
So now I'm adopting that thought. In keeping with the "Get out and Live" thought process, on my way home from getting my fortune told, I decided to stop in a pub and have lunch with complete strangers. A totally open mind. Especially since I hate hanging out by myself to do anything. But there I was. In a pub. With complete rednecks all around me. Missing large sections of their teeth.
Well, I tried. Now I'm going to have to try another day. I'm not sure what the hell is taking so long for my destiny to kick into gear, but I'll keep trying, dammit!
By the way, this is the group that I hung out with all of last week. The only one missing is Danny who was too tired to come play with us that day. I did learn something from Danny, though. Every morning that I get up from now on, I'm going to tell myself that I am a pretty motherfucker! That positive reinforcement has got to start working sometime!
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Detoxing from the tour
'Cause I am drunk today and I'm seldom sober
A handsome rover from town to town
Ah but i'm sick now my days are numbered
Come all you young men and lay me down
Carrickfergus
Got back last night from Ireland. What a wild time. I honestly wish I could have stayed. There was this spot by Skariff that I thought I saw a glimpse of my soul. I just sat on the rock above an incredible cove and cried because it was so beautiful. The only problem is that I can't stop crying. I have been crying at the oddest times. I wish I could just get it out and be done with it, but I can't seem to stop. In all honesty it feels like I've lost something precious and the memory of the loss sneaks up and pulls on my heart. i feel like a right idiot though, just sitting around my apartment crying and I have no idea what I'm crying about. It might be time for drugs. Now I just have to find someone to dole them out.
Of course, I was up almost 24 hours yesterday. The oddest thing that happened (well, there were two) was I was on the flight from Chicago back to Louisville, in mid conversation with a very nice guy on his way to Ft. Knox for training when I fell asleep. Out like a light for probably a half hour. I woke up on the final approach. I felt so bad, but I was exhausted. The second oddest thing that happened is the driver of the taxi I took home kept hitting on me. I was next to incoherent with sleep deprivation, and here is this guy asking all kinds of questions.
I'll write more later. I'm still tired and I have to go back to this dream where Jeremy Piven was telling me he didn't want to just use me for sex any longer. He wanted more. I've got to give the man what he wants!
A handsome rover from town to town
Ah but i'm sick now my days are numbered
Come all you young men and lay me down
Carrickfergus
Got back last night from Ireland. What a wild time. I honestly wish I could have stayed. There was this spot by Skariff that I thought I saw a glimpse of my soul. I just sat on the rock above an incredible cove and cried because it was so beautiful. The only problem is that I can't stop crying. I have been crying at the oddest times. I wish I could just get it out and be done with it, but I can't seem to stop. In all honesty it feels like I've lost something precious and the memory of the loss sneaks up and pulls on my heart. i feel like a right idiot though, just sitting around my apartment crying and I have no idea what I'm crying about. It might be time for drugs. Now I just have to find someone to dole them out.
Of course, I was up almost 24 hours yesterday. The oddest thing that happened (well, there were two) was I was on the flight from Chicago back to Louisville, in mid conversation with a very nice guy on his way to Ft. Knox for training when I fell asleep. Out like a light for probably a half hour. I woke up on the final approach. I felt so bad, but I was exhausted. The second oddest thing that happened is the driver of the taxi I took home kept hitting on me. I was next to incoherent with sleep deprivation, and here is this guy asking all kinds of questions.
I'll write more later. I'm still tired and I have to go back to this dream where Jeremy Piven was telling me he didn't want to just use me for sex any longer. He wanted more. I've got to give the man what he wants!
Sunday, April 16, 2006
I wonder where I've been
Yep,
I'm aware that I haven't been about for a little bit. That isn't to say that I haven't been thinking about writing. Little things like recurrent dreams, crappy days and poisonous employees run through my mind for things to drop a note of, but I've been too lazy to do anything about it.
In fact, and I know this is bad, I'm blogging now to get out of writing an employee's review.
The Ireland trip is less than 3 weeks away now. I still haven't received my passport yet. I'm afraid the gov't is just holding on to it to piss me off. It isn't like I'm interesting enough to have a gov't conspiracy against me, so the only reason they would do it would the peripheral enjoyment of making my life suck just a little more.
I'm having a crappy time of it otherwise though. I'm still binge eating, (I really need to get that puking thing down), but I've been trying to do it with healthier things. Instead of binging with ice cream, I will use bananas. It isn't quite the same thing though. Exercising is even less realistic for me. In fact, I've noticed that I run out of breath when I'm talking to someone. Now we can interpret that as a sign that I'm obese, (which the gov't has already classified me as, thanks. Got that memo) or that I smoke too much. Hmmm. Flip of the coin for which is worse, or which I plan on fixing anytime soon. I'll get back to you on that.
One of my favorite authors came to Louisville the other day. I sat with all these other women, some aspiring writers, some rabid fans of Jenny Crusie, some both. It scared the shit out of me. I looked at these women, who may be perfectly happy in their lives, but looked to me like "This is your future if you keep this wicked path" type of Afterschool Movie. I keep going through life picking out things and saying, "I don't want that. I don't want to become that. Shoot me if I ever wear that," but I can't make up my mind what I do want or what will be acceptable.
So, yeah! Life is great. Things are just perking along.
Right to hell, but they are perking along.
I'm aware that I haven't been about for a little bit. That isn't to say that I haven't been thinking about writing. Little things like recurrent dreams, crappy days and poisonous employees run through my mind for things to drop a note of, but I've been too lazy to do anything about it.
In fact, and I know this is bad, I'm blogging now to get out of writing an employee's review.
The Ireland trip is less than 3 weeks away now. I still haven't received my passport yet. I'm afraid the gov't is just holding on to it to piss me off. It isn't like I'm interesting enough to have a gov't conspiracy against me, so the only reason they would do it would the peripheral enjoyment of making my life suck just a little more.
I'm having a crappy time of it otherwise though. I'm still binge eating, (I really need to get that puking thing down), but I've been trying to do it with healthier things. Instead of binging with ice cream, I will use bananas. It isn't quite the same thing though. Exercising is even less realistic for me. In fact, I've noticed that I run out of breath when I'm talking to someone. Now we can interpret that as a sign that I'm obese, (which the gov't has already classified me as, thanks. Got that memo) or that I smoke too much. Hmmm. Flip of the coin for which is worse, or which I plan on fixing anytime soon. I'll get back to you on that.
One of my favorite authors came to Louisville the other day. I sat with all these other women, some aspiring writers, some rabid fans of Jenny Crusie, some both. It scared the shit out of me. I looked at these women, who may be perfectly happy in their lives, but looked to me like "This is your future if you keep this wicked path" type of Afterschool Movie. I keep going through life picking out things and saying, "I don't want that. I don't want to become that. Shoot me if I ever wear that," but I can't make up my mind what I do want or what will be acceptable.
So, yeah! Life is great. Things are just perking along.
Right to hell, but they are perking along.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
No memory
Yea, yea... I can't say that I've been extremely punctual about this whole blog thing. Not that anything is going on in my life either, but we keep trying.
Quick recap:
Got the flu and was laid up for about a week praying to whatever deity would listen for death.
Spent my tax refund on a trip to Ireland in May. Now I have to locate a flight back to Chicago to catch the flight to Dublin with Stais. Of course, I also have to book the flight back home after we do our week long drinking excursion. But I'll save that one for a couple of days from now.
Went to Florida for business meetings and saw a bunch of old friends. I'm sure the first thought in their heads was, "My god she's put on weight," but it didn't matter because I had so much fun with everyone. In fact, if I weren't going to Ireland, that week would be in the top five good times I had this year and it is only March.
Weird things have been happening lately in the apartment. Doors are closing by themselves, clothes are swinging in a breeze that isn't there (I turned off the heater a few days ago), my phone is ringing with no caller ID popping up and no one on the other end. Can't figure out who would be haunting me as I live a pretty blah life, but it certainly is weird.
I keep trying to exercise, but odd things happen there too. I jump on the treadmill at home and it will stop in the middle of things, and the power has gone out once.
Other than that, life is just as boring and stressful as normal. Don't know why anything should change there.
I'll drop a line later when something may happen in my life to cause excitement. Well, maybe sooner than that. If we wait for excitement, it may be a while....
Quick recap:
Got the flu and was laid up for about a week praying to whatever deity would listen for death.
Spent my tax refund on a trip to Ireland in May. Now I have to locate a flight back to Chicago to catch the flight to Dublin with Stais. Of course, I also have to book the flight back home after we do our week long drinking excursion. But I'll save that one for a couple of days from now.
Went to Florida for business meetings and saw a bunch of old friends. I'm sure the first thought in their heads was, "My god she's put on weight," but it didn't matter because I had so much fun with everyone. In fact, if I weren't going to Ireland, that week would be in the top five good times I had this year and it is only March.
Weird things have been happening lately in the apartment. Doors are closing by themselves, clothes are swinging in a breeze that isn't there (I turned off the heater a few days ago), my phone is ringing with no caller ID popping up and no one on the other end. Can't figure out who would be haunting me as I live a pretty blah life, but it certainly is weird.
I keep trying to exercise, but odd things happen there too. I jump on the treadmill at home and it will stop in the middle of things, and the power has gone out once.
Other than that, life is just as boring and stressful as normal. Don't know why anything should change there.
I'll drop a line later when something may happen in my life to cause excitement. Well, maybe sooner than that. If we wait for excitement, it may be a while....
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Delinquency is not a sin
I've behaved poorly. I've mistreated the poor reader of this little blog by not writing for almost a month. I will try and remedy this by apologizing profusely and looking pitiful. I, of course, already look pitiful, but that is neither here nor there.
Anyway, on to the show.
Went to Chicago last weekend to see Stais and her beau Phil. I had a great time. Phil, being the worrywort, believes that I didn't do enough stuff to enjoy myself, but just hanging with Stais was enough for me. We hung out Friday, drinking and reminiscing because this is some sort of prerequisite for long term visits. I can't be sure, but I do know we could go without it. I couldn't stand high school when I was there, looking back on it just confirms my belief that I had to serve my purgatory before I ever died.
Saturday was better because we went downtown, which was an experience in and of itself, and walked around even though it was fucking cold. That whole train thing is a trip, I cannot even imagine riding a train for an hour just to get to work. Any thoughts I was entertaining to move to Chicago were pretty much quashed. Going out to lunch at the Cheesecake Factory was also incredibly funny and extremely enlightening about the town. Besides, all I could afford was a condo, and I'd much rather have a house, with a lawn and a garden, in a neighborhood where the local kids would cut my grass for a fee and I could sit out on my front porch and read a book, drink some wine and smoke a cigarette. I'll be happy just visiting Stais and Phil. Besides, I don't think her couple friends would accept someone who is not a part of the group.
Either way, I had a blast, but as always I got homesick for my own bed and my cats and split out a little early on Sunday. After a certain point, you just want to get home. Especially after a five hour drive.
Something that came out of the trip, though, is that Stais and I are going to Ireland. It is an idea I've been kicking around, but when I was talking to Stais and Phil about it, Phil said that if I bought a house this year, I would probably never go to Ireland. He's right. So, the house is going to be put off a year, and Stais and I will fly out to Dublin the first week of May. This is huge for me. Spending a ton of money always makes me nervous, but I just can't resist. We are taking a pub tour which sounds really cool. There is this other walking tour, but it is a couple hundred dollars more per person and I would rather have that as spending money.
So, now the tedious process of getting a passport and all that other crap. I've got the form filled out. I've found my birth certificate, now I'll have to make some time this week to run to the post office. Of course, I also have to get a couple of pictures taken as well. Crap! Where and when am I going to have time to have that done? And find a picture that is a good likeness of me? Is that even possible? Shit shit shit. Of course, then there is the $157 processing fee to get the damn thing done and sent back to me in 3 days just so I can have it out of the way.
As a side note, I love my cats but they aren't the brightest. I have two candles burning on the side table and I've been watching Ginger circle them, giving them squinty eyed stares because they are flickering, and trying to smack at them so they will stop. One would think the heat would be enough to make her walk away, but she really isn't that bright.
So, I've got this new thing. I'm trying to walk a mile a day. It isn't much I know, but as I'm extremely out of shape and overweight, I need to start doing something. I figure, as soon as I can breeze through a mile, I will start kicking it up. I need to get back to the Y, but me breathing heavy in front of complete strangers, as well as singing off key with my Ipod, doesn't strike me as something I should really consider doing. But, I need to get my ass in gear and go there to lift weights as well.
Well, I have a meeting in a few hours, so I'd better get my ass up and start exercising so I stop sweating by the time I have to address my employees. Just the thought of talking to these people on what is my day off, makes my stomach turn. Of course, if I were independently wealthy, I would never leave my apartment. Rodney, one of my assistants was going on the other day about how his roommate never leaves the house, just sits and watches tv and drinks vodka. He was going on about how pathetic it was and it was all I could do not to shrink within myself. Except for the vodka part, it sounds amazingly like myself. I know Rod is just talking and blowing off steam about being frustrated with this idiot he pays rent to, but there are days when he talks about what a social non-entity this guy is, or his weight and I just want to slap him and say, "Do you even realize who you are talking to? Do you even see me? Are you aware that I have the social skills of a small monkey and I weigh the same as any two of my employees put together? I know I'm not pretty, but god dammit, talking to you almost always makes me feel worse!" But I don't. I just smile and laugh and then walk away and put it to the back of my mind so it can pop out later and make me cry at the end of a movie I haven't seen, but everyone on the screen is crying so it must have been sad, right?
I really need to make an appointment with a shrink.
But, enough about me. How are all of you doing? Really, that's great. Glad to hear it. No, really you should all drop a line sometime and let me know what it is like to look in the mirror and not feel like crawling beneath the covers to stay for a month. Maybe if I can turn this compulsive eating thing into a compulsive exercising thing I can feel better about the way I fit into my clothes.
Yea. And a handsome, burly, tall, chivalrous guy with a sense of humor has been outside my door just waiting for me to open it.
And the cold beneath your feet has nothing to do with hell freezing. I swear.
Anyway, on to the show.
Went to Chicago last weekend to see Stais and her beau Phil. I had a great time. Phil, being the worrywort, believes that I didn't do enough stuff to enjoy myself, but just hanging with Stais was enough for me. We hung out Friday, drinking and reminiscing because this is some sort of prerequisite for long term visits. I can't be sure, but I do know we could go without it. I couldn't stand high school when I was there, looking back on it just confirms my belief that I had to serve my purgatory before I ever died.
Saturday was better because we went downtown, which was an experience in and of itself, and walked around even though it was fucking cold. That whole train thing is a trip, I cannot even imagine riding a train for an hour just to get to work. Any thoughts I was entertaining to move to Chicago were pretty much quashed. Going out to lunch at the Cheesecake Factory was also incredibly funny and extremely enlightening about the town. Besides, all I could afford was a condo, and I'd much rather have a house, with a lawn and a garden, in a neighborhood where the local kids would cut my grass for a fee and I could sit out on my front porch and read a book, drink some wine and smoke a cigarette. I'll be happy just visiting Stais and Phil. Besides, I don't think her couple friends would accept someone who is not a part of the group.
Either way, I had a blast, but as always I got homesick for my own bed and my cats and split out a little early on Sunday. After a certain point, you just want to get home. Especially after a five hour drive.
Something that came out of the trip, though, is that Stais and I are going to Ireland. It is an idea I've been kicking around, but when I was talking to Stais and Phil about it, Phil said that if I bought a house this year, I would probably never go to Ireland. He's right. So, the house is going to be put off a year, and Stais and I will fly out to Dublin the first week of May. This is huge for me. Spending a ton of money always makes me nervous, but I just can't resist. We are taking a pub tour which sounds really cool. There is this other walking tour, but it is a couple hundred dollars more per person and I would rather have that as spending money.
So, now the tedious process of getting a passport and all that other crap. I've got the form filled out. I've found my birth certificate, now I'll have to make some time this week to run to the post office. Of course, I also have to get a couple of pictures taken as well. Crap! Where and when am I going to have time to have that done? And find a picture that is a good likeness of me? Is that even possible? Shit shit shit. Of course, then there is the $157 processing fee to get the damn thing done and sent back to me in 3 days just so I can have it out of the way.
As a side note, I love my cats but they aren't the brightest. I have two candles burning on the side table and I've been watching Ginger circle them, giving them squinty eyed stares because they are flickering, and trying to smack at them so they will stop. One would think the heat would be enough to make her walk away, but she really isn't that bright.
So, I've got this new thing. I'm trying to walk a mile a day. It isn't much I know, but as I'm extremely out of shape and overweight, I need to start doing something. I figure, as soon as I can breeze through a mile, I will start kicking it up. I need to get back to the Y, but me breathing heavy in front of complete strangers, as well as singing off key with my Ipod, doesn't strike me as something I should really consider doing. But, I need to get my ass in gear and go there to lift weights as well.
Well, I have a meeting in a few hours, so I'd better get my ass up and start exercising so I stop sweating by the time I have to address my employees. Just the thought of talking to these people on what is my day off, makes my stomach turn. Of course, if I were independently wealthy, I would never leave my apartment. Rodney, one of my assistants was going on the other day about how his roommate never leaves the house, just sits and watches tv and drinks vodka. He was going on about how pathetic it was and it was all I could do not to shrink within myself. Except for the vodka part, it sounds amazingly like myself. I know Rod is just talking and blowing off steam about being frustrated with this idiot he pays rent to, but there are days when he talks about what a social non-entity this guy is, or his weight and I just want to slap him and say, "Do you even realize who you are talking to? Do you even see me? Are you aware that I have the social skills of a small monkey and I weigh the same as any two of my employees put together? I know I'm not pretty, but god dammit, talking to you almost always makes me feel worse!" But I don't. I just smile and laugh and then walk away and put it to the back of my mind so it can pop out later and make me cry at the end of a movie I haven't seen, but everyone on the screen is crying so it must have been sad, right?
I really need to make an appointment with a shrink.
But, enough about me. How are all of you doing? Really, that's great. Glad to hear it. No, really you should all drop a line sometime and let me know what it is like to look in the mirror and not feel like crawling beneath the covers to stay for a month. Maybe if I can turn this compulsive eating thing into a compulsive exercising thing I can feel better about the way I fit into my clothes.
Yea. And a handsome, burly, tall, chivalrous guy with a sense of humor has been outside my door just waiting for me to open it.
And the cold beneath your feet has nothing to do with hell freezing. I swear.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Someone get this damn thing off my ear
Sorry this has been so late. I know January is a fairly busy month for everyone, but it has been a little over the top for me. Hopefully I will get with the program.
Now that I've done this, though, I cannot believe how pathetic my life is. I wonder how I'm going to fix this?
Four jobs you have had in your life:
Manager in a retail universe (my current role)
News Editor (college paper)
Waitress (these didn't have to be in any sort of order, right?)
Cashier (same universe as above, how the hell did you think I got started?)
Four movies you could watch over and over:
Dogma (Kevin Smith at his best)
While You Were Sleeping (cheesy romantic)
The Quiet Man (Who doesn't like John Wayne?)
McClintock (Not the best John Wayne movie, but brings a smile everytime)
Four places you've lived:
Webster Groves, Missouri
Lenexa, Kansas
Louisville, Kentucky
Jeffersonville, Indiana
Four TV shows you love to watch:
House (One of the few I will make time to watch)
Bones (David Boreanaz, finally allowed to age)
Headline News (I know, but the 12 step program didn't help)
MASH (Just don't even ask cause I don't know why)
Four places you've been on vacation:
Gulf Shores, Alabama
Ozarks
Wow, I've never really been any place
How disturbing is that to realize?
Four of your favorite foods:
Crab Rangoon
Steak
Diet Coke
Coffee
Four places you'd rather be right now:
Southern Missouri
Ireland
Kansas City
Rend Lake
Four sites I visit daily:
Itunes
MSN Games (So I'm addicted to Zuma, your point?)
Dictionary.com
For Better or For Worse Strip Fix (I have to have my comics)
Four Bloggers you are tagging:
Gern: Cause it has been too long since he's posted...
Jack: Because I am beginning to wonder if these people are dead....
msbeesknees: because while I've never posted a comment on her site, reading her rants always make me feel more sane
yea, I know I'm supposed to pick someone else, but I think I'm going to leave you with this....
Now that I've done this, though, I cannot believe how pathetic my life is. I wonder how I'm going to fix this?
Four jobs you have had in your life:
Manager in a retail universe (my current role)
News Editor (college paper)
Waitress (these didn't have to be in any sort of order, right?)
Cashier (same universe as above, how the hell did you think I got started?)
Four movies you could watch over and over:
Dogma (Kevin Smith at his best)
While You Were Sleeping (cheesy romantic)
The Quiet Man (Who doesn't like John Wayne?)
McClintock (Not the best John Wayne movie, but brings a smile everytime)
Four places you've lived:
Webster Groves, Missouri
Lenexa, Kansas
Louisville, Kentucky
Jeffersonville, Indiana
Four TV shows you love to watch:
House (One of the few I will make time to watch)
Bones (David Boreanaz, finally allowed to age)
Headline News (I know, but the 12 step program didn't help)
MASH (Just don't even ask cause I don't know why)
Four places you've been on vacation:
Gulf Shores, Alabama
Ozarks
Wow, I've never really been any place
How disturbing is that to realize?
Four of your favorite foods:
Crab Rangoon
Steak
Diet Coke
Coffee
Four places you'd rather be right now:
Southern Missouri
Ireland
Kansas City
Rend Lake
Four sites I visit daily:
Itunes
MSN Games (So I'm addicted to Zuma, your point?)
Dictionary.com
For Better or For Worse Strip Fix (I have to have my comics)
Four Bloggers you are tagging:
Gern: Cause it has been too long since he's posted...
Jack: Because I am beginning to wonder if these people are dead....
msbeesknees: because while I've never posted a comment on her site, reading her rants always make me feel more sane
yea, I know I'm supposed to pick someone else, but I think I'm going to leave you with this....
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Pills pills pills
This has had to have been the oddest week.
On Sunday I took my managers out for dinner and a meeting. I figured I could bond with them while they ate dinner. It didn't go poorly, but it wasn't the gasser I had hoped it would be.
Monday was a fairly routine day at work. I worked the late shift which wasn't awful, took a call from my boss chewing on me for numbers, blah blah blah. It was Tuesday where things started to turn. Somehow I twisted my back. Well, let's say my doctor believes that I've wrenched my back. I think that I'm being punished by the sarcasm gods for not living up to my full potential this last month. They are a really scary group, headed by Dennis Miller who wears a red cape (we are talking sarcasm here kids) and wields a dictionary with razor sharp pages and tablets for the covers. But I digress.
I didn't actually twist my back, but I realized about mid-day that from my mid-back to the backs of my knees, I had throbbing pain. And not in that fun way either. I inhaled tylenol and advil and went into the next day.
Wednesday I still had the pain and called the doctor. She prescribed heat and advil. I also went to yoga thinking if I could stretch out the muscles I would be ok. Hmmm. Yoga. Yea. Stais insists that I stay with it, but I have to tell you, after a half hour, I started watching the clock. I could only do so many rising suns, sleeping dog, swaying tree one more time before I belted someone. I was laughing pretty much the whole time. I couldn't really lie flat on my stomach because my chest elevates me about 3 inches off the ground. And, I'd like to point out, even though I am a larger girl, (we'll use zaftig cause most people don't know what the word means), I was still more agile than a lot of people in there. That being said, I cannot say that I enjoyed it. I tried to meditate, but as I suck at that, it wasn't very productive. Again, however, I digress.
Thursday, I couldn't get out of bed. I eventually had to literally roll out of bed, to hit the floor. As I stood in the bathroom, sort of hunched over, I realized that I couldn't make it through the day. Now, I realize that usually if you take medication, you usually are able to make it through the day, but as I had woken up about 2 a.m. and swallowed some tylenol, and then tried to get up about 4:30, either the medication wasn't helping or it was worse than the meds could handle.
Friday I saw the doc and she gave me, Lortab and Skelaxin, which apparently is a narcotic. Oh boy. I've been popping the Lortab like crazy, but I've kept away from the narcotic. The last thing I want is a drug I really like.
Interestingly enough, I also got a generic Prozac. This would be for my stress as well as my compulsory eating. Yea, I'm aware I haven't been telling you everything, but I also haven't been telling everyone everything.
Which of course leads us to the weekend. I can't do Yoga cause the doctor said to rest this weekend. All I did was read, watch older movies and bake cookies. Yep. That's what I said. Me without a domestic bone in my body made cookies all day yesterday and I have the ingredients prepped and ready for some baking again today. I'm not eating the cookies. Not even eating the dough. Just baking cookies. I have 3 freezer bags (the large ones) filled with chocolate chip, oatmeal and chocolate peanut butter, as well as a large container. I can't explain it, I just woke up yesterday with a burning desire to make cookies.
But back to the pain. I have to call my doc tomorrow and let her know how I felt this weekend. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to say. Well, I know you wanted me to relax, but since my back hurts, I can't really lay down, since my butt hurts (oh yea, it would be different if I had used the damn thing in any sort of manner that would explain why the muscles in my ass hurt, but nope, nothing, nada. This is so depressing) I can't sit for any prolonged time with out shifting around like I've got hemorrhoids, the only thing that is comfortable is standing and there is only so much of that you can do in your own house.
So, as I'm on second pill for the day, and it is only 1 p.m., I now have to dive into the advil to help take the edge off. Doc said if I didn't improve with the medication she was going to send me to a physical therapist. What irritates me is that she ran no test, no blood work, no urine tests, nothing. If she isn't right, I'm going to be oh so pissy!
Now, I know I've been bitching for a while here, but there a couple other things I have to get off my chest before I go make cookies.
What the fuck is with Rita Crosby's voice? Is this person the first transvestite on a prime time news program? I swear I can't see her or hear her voice without thinking of MadTV. There is a comedian there (I don't know names. Wait, to the internet! Mo Collins) who I'm sure is imitating Crosby. Either way, I simply cannot take Crosby as a serious journalist, because she looks like an idiot and sounds like she's been smoking since she was six.
What the hell is wrong with Kirstie Alley and Jenny Craig? I understand that Alley has lost quite a bit of weight, but in what universe am I supposed to believe that was her that is tossed in the air during the latest commercial? I seriously doubt she was able to do that previously, so why should I believe she can do it know? The whole point of Jenny Craig is to make it look believable that the everyday Joanne can lose weight with them, not be flipped in the air by a bunch of men, who if I had to guess are 2/3 gay and professionals. That won't happen in my neighborhood or, for that matter, anyone's neighborhood unless they live next to a house full of professional cheerleaders, so it won't matter how much weight I lose, no wandering group of men are going to strut down my street and toss my lily white ass in the air.
And, yes. I saw I was tagged. Dammit. I'll get around to it later. The oven is calling me.
On Sunday I took my managers out for dinner and a meeting. I figured I could bond with them while they ate dinner. It didn't go poorly, but it wasn't the gasser I had hoped it would be.
Monday was a fairly routine day at work. I worked the late shift which wasn't awful, took a call from my boss chewing on me for numbers, blah blah blah. It was Tuesday where things started to turn. Somehow I twisted my back. Well, let's say my doctor believes that I've wrenched my back. I think that I'm being punished by the sarcasm gods for not living up to my full potential this last month. They are a really scary group, headed by Dennis Miller who wears a red cape (we are talking sarcasm here kids) and wields a dictionary with razor sharp pages and tablets for the covers. But I digress.
I didn't actually twist my back, but I realized about mid-day that from my mid-back to the backs of my knees, I had throbbing pain. And not in that fun way either. I inhaled tylenol and advil and went into the next day.
Wednesday I still had the pain and called the doctor. She prescribed heat and advil. I also went to yoga thinking if I could stretch out the muscles I would be ok. Hmmm. Yoga. Yea. Stais insists that I stay with it, but I have to tell you, after a half hour, I started watching the clock. I could only do so many rising suns, sleeping dog, swaying tree one more time before I belted someone. I was laughing pretty much the whole time. I couldn't really lie flat on my stomach because my chest elevates me about 3 inches off the ground. And, I'd like to point out, even though I am a larger girl, (we'll use zaftig cause most people don't know what the word means), I was still more agile than a lot of people in there. That being said, I cannot say that I enjoyed it. I tried to meditate, but as I suck at that, it wasn't very productive. Again, however, I digress.
Thursday, I couldn't get out of bed. I eventually had to literally roll out of bed, to hit the floor. As I stood in the bathroom, sort of hunched over, I realized that I couldn't make it through the day. Now, I realize that usually if you take medication, you usually are able to make it through the day, but as I had woken up about 2 a.m. and swallowed some tylenol, and then tried to get up about 4:30, either the medication wasn't helping or it was worse than the meds could handle.
Friday I saw the doc and she gave me, Lortab and Skelaxin, which apparently is a narcotic. Oh boy. I've been popping the Lortab like crazy, but I've kept away from the narcotic. The last thing I want is a drug I really like.
Interestingly enough, I also got a generic Prozac. This would be for my stress as well as my compulsory eating. Yea, I'm aware I haven't been telling you everything, but I also haven't been telling everyone everything.
Which of course leads us to the weekend. I can't do Yoga cause the doctor said to rest this weekend. All I did was read, watch older movies and bake cookies. Yep. That's what I said. Me without a domestic bone in my body made cookies all day yesterday and I have the ingredients prepped and ready for some baking again today. I'm not eating the cookies. Not even eating the dough. Just baking cookies. I have 3 freezer bags (the large ones) filled with chocolate chip, oatmeal and chocolate peanut butter, as well as a large container. I can't explain it, I just woke up yesterday with a burning desire to make cookies.
But back to the pain. I have to call my doc tomorrow and let her know how I felt this weekend. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to say. Well, I know you wanted me to relax, but since my back hurts, I can't really lay down, since my butt hurts (oh yea, it would be different if I had used the damn thing in any sort of manner that would explain why the muscles in my ass hurt, but nope, nothing, nada. This is so depressing) I can't sit for any prolonged time with out shifting around like I've got hemorrhoids, the only thing that is comfortable is standing and there is only so much of that you can do in your own house.
So, as I'm on second pill for the day, and it is only 1 p.m., I now have to dive into the advil to help take the edge off. Doc said if I didn't improve with the medication she was going to send me to a physical therapist. What irritates me is that she ran no test, no blood work, no urine tests, nothing. If she isn't right, I'm going to be oh so pissy!
Now, I know I've been bitching for a while here, but there a couple other things I have to get off my chest before I go make cookies.
What the fuck is with Rita Crosby's voice? Is this person the first transvestite on a prime time news program? I swear I can't see her or hear her voice without thinking of MadTV. There is a comedian there (I don't know names. Wait, to the internet! Mo Collins) who I'm sure is imitating Crosby. Either way, I simply cannot take Crosby as a serious journalist, because she looks like an idiot and sounds like she's been smoking since she was six.
What the hell is wrong with Kirstie Alley and Jenny Craig? I understand that Alley has lost quite a bit of weight, but in what universe am I supposed to believe that was her that is tossed in the air during the latest commercial? I seriously doubt she was able to do that previously, so why should I believe she can do it know? The whole point of Jenny Craig is to make it look believable that the everyday Joanne can lose weight with them, not be flipped in the air by a bunch of men, who if I had to guess are 2/3 gay and professionals. That won't happen in my neighborhood or, for that matter, anyone's neighborhood unless they live next to a house full of professional cheerleaders, so it won't matter how much weight I lose, no wandering group of men are going to strut down my street and toss my lily white ass in the air.
And, yes. I saw I was tagged. Dammit. I'll get around to it later. The oven is calling me.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Relaxation here I come
So I have signed up at the Y for a membership as well as Yoga sessions. I will be relaxed or there will be hell to pay! I know there are benefits for getting exercise and such, but dammit, I really need it to keep my head together. Stress is a killer they say, but no one defines who it really kills, do they?
So my first class is tomorrow. On top of it all, my back is so tense, it has actually travelled down my ass and into my legs. No amount of stretching today has made it better so I'm going to end up taking a bath to try and take some of this pain.
I've been trying to avoid the great introspection this month usually drags me down into, but I've been having some trouble ducking the phone calls. It was kind of funny, actually. Today I interviwed someone and in talking to him, either rediscovered why I like my job, or talked myself back into the job. I actually left the building with warm fuzzies for the first time in a long time. It didn't last overly long, but it was nice while it lasted. Regardless, I know I'm at a point where I have to make decisions about my life (what do I want to do when I grow up, where do I want to live at, is it time to be a grown up yet) that kind of thing, but I still don't have any idea which direction I want to take.
Shouldn't there be a fork or a signpost or something around here?
So my first class is tomorrow. On top of it all, my back is so tense, it has actually travelled down my ass and into my legs. No amount of stretching today has made it better so I'm going to end up taking a bath to try and take some of this pain.
I've been trying to avoid the great introspection this month usually drags me down into, but I've been having some trouble ducking the phone calls. It was kind of funny, actually. Today I interviwed someone and in talking to him, either rediscovered why I like my job, or talked myself back into the job. I actually left the building with warm fuzzies for the first time in a long time. It didn't last overly long, but it was nice while it lasted. Regardless, I know I'm at a point where I have to make decisions about my life (what do I want to do when I grow up, where do I want to live at, is it time to be a grown up yet) that kind of thing, but I still don't have any idea which direction I want to take.
Shouldn't there be a fork or a signpost or something around here?
Monday, January 02, 2006
I'd like to give it a try....
Had the day off, the first in a week, and I enjoyed every last little minute of it. I ate too much, I cleaned a little, read a little, worked a little... All around a 4 star day.
I didn't make any New Year Resolutions yet. I have no real desire to. I have some ideas about what I want to do, but I can't say I've been making any moves toward the end result. I really need to get my ass in gear. I didn't go out for New Year's, which I know is some sort of sacrilege, but I was working that weekend and had no push to do it.
I've decided I'm stagnating. Well, I can't say I decided it, the thought floated up to me in some putrid water and I recognized it as my own. I didn't embrace it, as I'd just showered, but gently kicked it to the broken shoreline of my soul and watched it for awhile. It just rocked on the tide of the water, trying it's best to lull me to sleep, complacent with the dead end my life has run into. I fought, though, and stayed awake, alternately humming At My Funeral, and daydreaming about being a superhero, righting wrongs, helping small children and old ladies, and being the wittiest, prettiest girl at the party. Every once in a while reality would pop up and bite me in the ass, but for the most part, it was a very boring hour.
I need to get a reading. I need to have someone tell me what it is I don't see. I need a clue, because I don't feel like Miss Scarlett.
I didn't make any New Year Resolutions yet. I have no real desire to. I have some ideas about what I want to do, but I can't say I've been making any moves toward the end result. I really need to get my ass in gear. I didn't go out for New Year's, which I know is some sort of sacrilege, but I was working that weekend and had no push to do it.
I've decided I'm stagnating. Well, I can't say I decided it, the thought floated up to me in some putrid water and I recognized it as my own. I didn't embrace it, as I'd just showered, but gently kicked it to the broken shoreline of my soul and watched it for awhile. It just rocked on the tide of the water, trying it's best to lull me to sleep, complacent with the dead end my life has run into. I fought, though, and stayed awake, alternately humming At My Funeral, and daydreaming about being a superhero, righting wrongs, helping small children and old ladies, and being the wittiest, prettiest girl at the party. Every once in a while reality would pop up and bite me in the ass, but for the most part, it was a very boring hour.
I need to get a reading. I need to have someone tell me what it is I don't see. I need a clue, because I don't feel like Miss Scarlett.
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