Something in the air

Don't you hate that feeling of anticipation? That vague feeling that something you have no control over is creeping into your life, plotting when the best time is to smack you upside your head? You can almost smell the trouble standing outside your door. It is a combination of stale sweat, loud cologne and grease. The smell isn't brimstone, but if you stand very carefully in the right spot, you can still smell something burning, like a cigarette left by your bedroom window with no one standing there. Your heart races while you try and figure out clues that have no puzzle. I half expect a raven to fly into my house spouting enigmatic words.
I hate the anticipation. I hate that I can't see the events that will be transpiring in short order. I have no control of that. The unknown doesn't completely scare me, but it frustrates the hell out of me. I have to react to these things as they happen, and I'm scared I won't react correctly.
I was talking to Stais earlier tonight. She's scared of failing at work. I told her that because she is a fucking genius (which she is, by the by, irritates the hell out of me that I'm not nearly as smart as she is) she will figure out the best way to do her job. What I forgot to tell her is that everybody has to screw up sometime. It is one of the best ways to learn. No matter how much we don't want to screw up because it peaks our pride, and has the potential to make us look stupid, we all come out better for it. Not one of us learned to walk immediately. We took spills and fell on our ass, but we didn't care because something drove us to get up and try again. How many of us can say the same thing as adults? In fact, Stais called me on it earlier. Told me that I was looking for instant intimacy by sleeping with guys immediately. I didn't want to wait to learn about the person, I just want it to be right, right away. Is that what I've learned from all my relationships that have failed? Fuck 'em first so they can't decide later that there really is something about you they don't like? What is it I'm scared of? Falling on my ass time and time again in front of someone I want to impress?
So now I have a new challenge. Which sucks because I hate challenges, but now I have to try and go through the dances with meeting people and not sleeping with them. Not even a kiss. No more instant gratification. Which, of course, means I will have to buy lots of batteries. Maybe I'll have to get some of those rechargeable deals. Ahhh learning, I'm too old for this shit.
An update of my pitiful social life will be brief:
I still haven't heard from Bruno. Of course, I'm still not chasing him either. He is busy in his "season" and I'm not going to interrupt that. Of course, it may also be that he really wasn't interested in me as a friend at all, but if I think about that too long, it will just depress me, so I'm going to believe he just doesn't have time for me. Not sure, though, which one hurts less.
Saw Big D today. I had to go into my old building because a sewer line backed up and flooded a bunch of buildings around there. He was part of the team to assess the damage. He walked past me and I asked him if this was all his fault. He said no, and then said he had been trying to find some pictures to hang. He's driving that particular joke into the ground at this point. If I see him tomorrow, I think I'm going to remind him that hanging pictures didn't get anyone anything. I can't tell if he is flirting or just clueless. Trust me to pick winners. My sister Aimes, said I have no taste when it comes to picking friends. Stais agrees. Maybe there is a training course I need to go through. Something so I don't feel so incompetent.