Looking ahead to the ending

""Let there be a day
just for picnics, with wine and bread."
Gathered up some people he had made/
Created blankets and laid back in the shade."

I love that song because it is just how I feel about the powers that be. There are never any real answers. No "turn left when you see Main Street" or "Don't go hunting for a friend/companion when you've had more than 4 beers." There is nothing definite in life, not when you are making major decisions. Although, I guess it isn't always the major decisions that always effect your life; sometimes it is the little ones too. Of course on top of that, you never know when the little decisions are going to make a difference in how your life will run. Even when I was younger, I wouldn't make decisions without trying to figure all the angles first. If I take this cookie, what will probably happen? A spanking. Can I deal with that? Yes. So I'd take the cookie.
When I was a kid I devoured the books that gave options that the protagonist could take. "If you go after Billy in the Hall of Terror turn to page 56. If you want to go back and question Professor Gigglebaum again turn to page 127." Then, of course if you ended up dead in a couple of pages, you would go back to that strategic point and choose a different option.
I'm in the same scenario, I suppose. I already know I have to move, but where do I move to? Do I cross the river and try to live cheaply in New Albany or do I continue to spend more money than I really have south. Do I take Stais' suggestion to move to Chicago seriously or do I stick it out in Lou'ville for another year just to see what happens? What would really be different for me up north? I'd still be in a town with only one friend to my name that lives there. It would be hellaciously more expensive there. I'd still be under the possibility of burning out a friendship by leaning on them too much. I really wouldn't change so I'd still be an overweight, shy, marginally attractive, slightly overbearing type A without anything to do on a Saturday night. On the other hand, living here isn't doing a hell of a lot for me either.....
Bonus points for me though. I went to see Bruno and his band play last night. Yet again I went to a bar by myself. I can't say that I'm getting the hang of it, but I'm doing better than I thought I was. Some guy even bought me a couple of beers. Of course, he escaped while I was in the bathroom, but next time who knows? Maybe the next guy will actually have a conversation with me! The possibilities are endless I tell ya. Bruno took a couple of minutes out of one of his breaks to say hello. Poor guy. I've given him a rough time lately. He keeps telling me I am one of his closest friends, and I keep telling him he is full of shit. I'm not sure how he can feel that we are so close when he doesn't really know me at all. I can't figure him out at all, but I think the point is that I'm supposed to take my time to get to know people. Instant connections don't happen all the time and trust is supposed to be built, not cemented on a gut feeling. Or something like that.
I've renewed my habit of repeating daily affirmations. My favorite is "It can't get any better than this." I've chosen that one because whenever you say that it can't get any worse, it always does. Back when I was seeing a "life counselor" (like that term? I think it is cute too) he would insist that I stand in front of a mirror naked and look at my body and then tell myself I was beautiful. Of course, after a doing this a couple of times, I got very upset with myself for lying to me like that. I didn't speak to myself for weeks after that. Now our relationship is tenuous at best. I really think the "better than this" works the best for me because it isn't exactly positive, but it isn't exactly negative either. I guess you could call it cautiously optimistic.
There are scads of other things to go over, including my visit from all the bigwigs, adventures in apartment/house hunting and my inability to get myself packed, but I think I'm going to catch a cigarette and turn in for the evening.
By the way, my public service announcement for the day is "Don't smoke. It makes you look stupid. I don't care how cool I look doing it, you don't look nearly as good doing it."