Bad Karma

I just got off the phone with a good friend of mine, Staisey. I asked her to check in with Buddha about what I've done to deserve the life that I'm leading, because I'm sure I'm living this life as a repayment for some really nasty behavior in my previous lives. And while I'm not a Buddhist by any means, I fully believe that somewhere along the lines I've screwed up royally which is why I can't figure out how to get what I want or who I want. It seems so terribly cliched that I would really like to find my soul mate. Not just someone to romance me, not just someone to wine and dine me, not just someone to take me to bed to put a balm on my out of control libido, but someone who understands me. I feel like I'm missing a part of me, someone who is supposed to be there, but somehow got lost along the way. Or, perhaps they got impatient with waiting and found the most convienient person to hook up with. Or, even more depressing, perhaps I'm not supposed to have anyone this go around. There are more single women in the world than men, correct? Maybe what I'm supposed to learn is how to live without this person. My head knows logically that I could survive that, but my heart is breaking and I feel like I'm mourning. The only problem is that I'm mourning someone I don't believe I've ever met.

I'm tired of whining and knowing that I'm whining about my life. So I posted for the position in BG, Ky. Of course I called the DM to let him know I was around and interested and then he insisted on doing a full phone interview right there. I'm fairly certain I bombed the damn thing. I don't think he'll put me down there unless he doesn't have any other possibilities. I really don't want to be the person anyone has to settle for. Course I don't think that I can tell him that, but we'll have to see how the next few days go. I'm fairly certain I will have an answer probably by the end of the week. And even though I don't really think I'm going to get it, I still have butterflies jumping around in my stomach and stress sitting on my shoulders.
But as I come to a conclusion about all of this and trying to believe that this can't really be punishment for previous lifetimes, my cat has killed yet another baby bunny and I have to dig another tiny grave. If that isn't bad karma, I don't know what is.