No trip in the offing

The DM called on Friday to let me down easy that I wouldn't be going to BG, KY. I was within the top two, he told me. I can't say that I'm really upset about the rejection. I'm not sure if I wanted that much pressure anyway, but I can't say how much pressure is really a good idea anymore. Even just thinking about it, doesn't really make me upset, I just feel empty. Is that a bad thing? to feel empty?I've tried filling it with parents, but that didn't do much; cooking, but I just felt like a small failure because my cookies aren't as good as my sister's; reading, although the new Evanovich book won't be out until Tuesday and I've read Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie so many times that I'm beginning to be able to memorize it. I probably should be quilting as I recently found my quilt that my mom made me start almost 10 years ago and I still haven't finished. I really should make Staisey her afghan, but I don't know if I have any more creative juice flowing in my blood. As it is, I keep breaking out so perhaps all I really have is negativity that has just built up for months. I should be praying, performing ritual at night, just as a basic to cleanse my self and my soul, but what can I offer Mother? What skills can I raise up to the Gods that they don't already have or even want? Eternal sarcasm? All consuming bitterness?
On a totally separate topic, I've determined that I really miss sex. Not just the fancy handholding, gazing into each other's eyes, romantic and slightly sweaty sex; but the slamming into walls, tossed onto your knees, taken by surprise, gruff and ruff, slightly over the top sex. I want someone to want me that much, but I also want to want them that much. I'm moving right along into the year mark for celibacy, and I'm so tired of it. i wish i knew what i was paying penance for. I wish I knew what I did and to whom so I could apologize.

Anyway, I'm making dinner tonight for my roommates. After the cookie fiasco, I feel like I should be making up for it in some manner.
I watched How to Boil Water last night and saw them prepare this dish. http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,1977,FOOD_9936_27568,00.html
I hope I can do it some justice, but I'm just not sure. I'll have to let you know how dinner was. The roommates are home, so I'll go ahead and sign off.
Wish me luck tonight....