Road Tripping Down the Yellow Brick Road

Went down to Louisville yesterday. Saw Nic, went to Huber Winery and picked up 8 bottles of the apple wine I miss so much. Of course I had to test a bottle last night when I got back to the hotel. It was good.

For My Friends is an excellent song, and that version is live, but it is what I've been listening to the last couple of days. That and Fall Out Boy. Two different ends of the spectrum, but it is what is motivating me right now.

Sorry for the interruption, but I suddenly had to go work out. At least I did work out. I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping and when the alarm goes off at 5, I'm not even hitting snooze, I'm just turning off the alarm. Luckily, or because I know myself, I've already got another alarm scheduled for 6 and 7. That doesn't make it better, I didn't get out of bed until 8:30 this morning, but at least I got out of bed. I'm having some trouble self motivating at this point. I should've gone to see some stores, but it is 1:15 and all I've done is eat a bagel and work out. Well, I showered. That's a plus.

I'm lonely. So is half the population, I know, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I couldn't sleep last night because I felt so isolated. After spending a good portion of my day with Nic and his family. Maybe it is because it is raining, but I don't think so. Maybe it is because I'm still in Indy, but I'd be just as alone in Texas. Something has to change, but I'll be damned if I know how to change it. I need to move forward, but I keep running to my past as a touchstone. I wasn't any happier. I wasn't any better then, but I keep going back.

I keep thinking about the schnook I bought dinner for. Did he actually pay it forward? Did he think about it again or did he just relay to his friends how silly he felt, and perhaps relief that I didn't expect him to put out for dinner?

This week is going to be an odd one. My boss is coming in town to train me how to use the systems, which means I'm going to have to get all the passwords right and be able to get into the systems. We are also going to have to walk some stores. I held the hands of the couple of the store managers, but I have no idea what to expect when we hit the stores.

I'm so tired of where I'm at right now. I wonder if I'll miss it when I go.

I've broken off communication with Shawshank for now. He doesn't need me. He has found a peace, the therapy is working and he feels happy in his relationship.  I can't relate because I'm not in a relationship, but I also don't feel like he actually gives a shit about what is going on with me. I don't know what to tell him. Do I tell him the loneliness feels crippling? Do I tell him that I'm constantly unsure about what I'm doing in my life? That I'm beginning to believe I will never find a soulmate oreven someone  to share my life with on a regular basis? What is he going to be able to do to fix it? Nothing. He has a life. He has friends, and responsibilities. I just don't happen to be one of them.