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Thursday, November 17, 2016

I'm over Fall too


So dad went into for a routine checkup yesterday and is now in the hospital. Apparently he has 3 blocked arteries and has to have surgery. And, because we are stupid I can't tell anyone yet because the family wants to have all the info in hand before they say anything. Meanwhile, my mom and I are sniping at each other because I ask questions and she thinks I think they are hiding stuff from me. Which they've done before, but I'm a jackass for thinking it now.

We are born screaming and we die silently. Little by little.   Every day small things that eat at your soul and sanity and patience. I cannot shelter my heart any more than I already have. I cannot take another loss this year and I have no desire to just settle. Fuck her for leaving me alone to deal. Part of me wants to be the grown up and let her go and hope that she finds her happiness. Part of me wants to rip her ass out of the closet she is closing herself back up into and slap her. Part of me wants to go back in time and prevent the relationship from ever starting. But I can't do any of those things. So I'm stuck. I want to move forward because there is nothing left for me in the past, but I'm stuck. I'm stuck in the mud I made with my tears and I can't find a way out.

Heard this and almost started crying during my drive home last night. I'd been doing so good and I could only hear that in her voice. Mainly cause that's all she said for a few weeks after. Sorry. What do you want from me?

I'm done adulting today. Fuck everything.

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