Works in progress

I'm trying to be 'normal' or well adjusted. Some days are harder than others.

I was at work the other day talking to a customer just trying not to cry. Between the election and the break up, I'm not feeling my most successful. I know that it all takes time, but time is a luxury for me in my day to day activities. I have to be at work to pay the bills, but I don't want to be at home because it is so damn quiet here. This house is too big, the neighbors know my love life is a failure and I don't even want to be seen. I don't want the questions, where are the dogs? Where is your girlfriend?

I sent her a message on fb about her mail that had been stacking up. She came by while I was gone and left some money too. I guess that's it. I guess we are officially done. She doesn't text, she doesn't call and I still miss her like crazy. So, I'm on a self imposed moratorium. No social media, well none that she or my family will check. I only showed her this once and I'm sure she doesn't remember. I can't see her face on messenger any more with out it hurting. Positive note, it doesn't make me immediately start to cry, so that is a positive sign. But it still hurts. This way she doesn't see me, but more importantly I don't see her. I don't see her posting to her friends that she is doing well, and I don't see that she is moving on. I know she has, I know she will, but I don't need to reminded that she is ok without me. She came by last week to pick up her things and we had a couple of big fights. Bigger than we've ever had. She mentioned that she is hurting, but she is keeping it bottled up. Perhaps this is for the best. Perhaps, if she is ok with bottling her feelings for me, throwing our love away, just perhaps she isn't the one I want to live every day with. I was always so worried about upending our apple cart, making her mad, that I never complained or did anything that would criticize. But it didn't matter because she is gone anyway. I fantasize about seeing her again, but I don't know what to do with it. I don't know if I want her back. I don't believe we will ever be together again. I just have to get used to the silence, the alone time, a life by myself. I don't know that I can ever or will ever be in love again. It just hurts too fucking much.

I am continuing to lose weight. It is a slow progress, but I've officially lost 4 pounds from the beginning of the year, and 15 pounds from the mid September. I worked out longer today than I have in months, and hopefully will continue to do so. I'm trying to monitor what I'm eating, but yesterday and today have not been good days for that. Apparently I had some sort of protein breakdown on Thursday because all I did was eat chicken. A lot of chicken. Today hasn't been much better, but I'm trying.

It's my last weekend off for the rest of the year. We go into full season next week so, all hands on deck and I work six day work weeks until Christmas. Which should be interesting. I have no idea what to think of this store and what it did for sales last year so we are winging it. Luckily i have a pretty amazing management team so we are going to kick a little ass. Which we need to cause I'm losing money like it is going out of style in that building.

My sister is having a party tonight. I have to find a smile that doesn't look as fake as it will be because a lot of people will be watching. Plus, I don't want my sister to worry. I want her to enjoy herself.

I need to find a new fantasy tho, I new thought process to spin as I'm trying to sleep. I just can't find a happy thought. If I was to be attacked by dementors, I would totally be screwed. Everyone has to have a happy thought, right? A germ of an idea they can spin into a story to help them sleep?
Because I've lost mine, and I have no idea where to look.